Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I back into the darkest crevices
of this cave
and hold my breath
scared to make the slightest sound.
I can feel you out there
hunting me
sniffing the air for my scent
following it here
where I hide from you.
a shadow casts
across the opening
and I can hear the
faintest steps
being laid upon the snow.
the tiny hairs on my neck
rise like saluting soldiers
calling for their master.
my heart beats with such thunder
I’m sure that it may cause an
but that’s a better option
than being out there in the wild
and being hunted by you again.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


December chases me
like a mouse in a dark alley
being run down by a
monster truck
with flood lights blinding
closing in on me
as I gasp for breath and
zig zag from wall to wall
past the soup kitchen
under the dumpster
I cannot retreat
nor climb these brick walls
my only hope is to outlast
and outrun
I try to block out
memories of past decembers
sure that if I carry them with me
they will surely weigh me down
and I cannot afford to
lose any time in this race
I am battered and bruised
but I can see the end
only a few more days
I need to survive
and then
I can enjoy 11 months
without you.


we loved to blow bubbles
as children
and dance across the yard
hand in hand
keeping out the demons
with our laughter.
it was easy then.
the popup tent was our
safe base
no one could hurt us there.
in our minds
it was an invisible fortress
no enemy could plunder.
we were family
we were friends
we were invincible.
I would give anything
to go back to my youth
with all of you by my side
blowing bubbles in the wind
chasing the dog around the yard
laughing until our sides hurt
and hiding from our parents.
we would have no responsibility
not a care in the world
except who got the biggest glass of milk
and what kind of jelly
would accompany our peanut butter sandwich
when they finally dragged us in for lunch
and you, you would still be alive,
the light in our tribe
now the dark spot on our hearts
that we cannot let go.

Monday, December 28, 2009


The glow of the candles dim
as I listen to the clock
tick tock the seconds off.
I run my fingers across the
smooth pink satin
that rests against my skin
but there is not enough material
on this lingerie to keep me warm
so I grab a blanket
and wrap it around my shoulders.
I sip the wine that now tastes
a bit like my mood…
that you are not yet home.
Another year passed
another anniversary
you missed
while I waited.


He cried at the door, warning me not to venture outside without my mittens. I told him that his love was all I needed to keep me safe and warm and I would wear it like a mitten around my heart. He told me that was stupid and it wouldn’t save me from frostbite…sometimes children are way too practical.

Candy Land

He offered me his hand,
With a twinkle in his eye,
And soft rosy cheeks,
Beckoning me to follow him.
He would take me on
A glorious adventure
Through the peppermint forest,
Over gumdrop mountain,
Past the lollipop woods
And the gingerbread trees
To the candy castle
Where we would spend hours
In each other’s arms
Enjoying the sweetness
In a magical world
Where nothing mattered
But happiness and love
And the person you
Had at your side.
So I followed him
And found that
None of the treats he promised
Would ever come to bloom
And that the candy castle
Is a big piece of shit lie
That melts when it rains
Tears from my eyes.

Open it up

I wish you had a flip-top head
So I could open it up
And peer inside
Your inner thoughts
And mind games.
I would tinker around
Like a mad scientist
Working on its greatest
I would memorize
Your happy places
And everything that
Makes you smile.
I would super glue the
Broken and shattered pieces
Of your past,
Rewire the strings
So that I could understand
What makes you tick
And make sure
That I am always on your mind.
There would be no more surprises
When you open your mouth and
No more fumbling phrases
To catch me off guard
Or rip my fragile heart apart.
I would finally know
Just how you work
And how your jumbled thoughts
Come to be.
I would fix that mind of yours
So that you were no longer confused
And make sure you see
That it’s me who
You should keep
By your side for


The flesh eating wind
whips white blankets
of powdery snow
across the fields
drifting from the ditches
on both sides of the highway.
You have both hands on the wheel
staring intently out the windshield.
I, in the passenger seat,
cannot bear to look at the road
before us
that is filled with so much danger.
Instead, I close my eyes
and wish with every fiber of my being
that we were back where we started…
the place it began…
where the sun shone bright and warm
and smiles covered our faces.
It was so long ago.
I open one eye and glance at you
wondering when it was
that I stopped knowing
the man by my side.
You grumble something about the tires
and continue on your path
oblivious to me
and indifferent to the subject
of if we should continue to travel together.
We ride in the car
watching the roads drift over
and watching our love drift away.


I’m staring at the picture
Framed and gathering dust
Along the bottom corners
Of the tractor they parked
On the church lawn
The day we buried you.
The old 4020
You loved so much
It was a part of you
A part of all of us.
To watch you and your joy
As your road the green beast
Lazily down winding country roads
To the fields that
Always called your name.
They brought you worry
And stress at times
But always
Riding that tractor
And working your farm
Brought you joy.
Hard for some to comprehend
How long day and toil
Could make someone happy
But never hard to understand
For those who knew.
It was a part of you
Like your missing hand
Your crooked smile
The freckles on your face
The love in your eyes
For farm, family and friends.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Heart on ice

The ice stands
like a force field between us
I can see into it
but not get through
your heart is frozen inside
and I am unable to thaw it
only you
can warm it
back to beating and alive
if you chose to
but perhaps you enjoy
the cold and bitter home
you have made for it now
a defensive case
so that no one can
touch or injure it
keep it on ice if you chose
I prefer mine to beat
lively and full of love
that is, after all,
what hearts were made for…
I will risk getting it broken
as long as it can beat
and has a chance of
warming another.

Monday, December 21, 2009

our war

I’ve worked so hard
for a pittance of your heart
a fraction of your soul
fighting, clawing, gnawing
covered in blood and tears
my flesh ripped open
while you depredate my being.
my friends tire
of bandaging my wounds
only for me to return
from your battle
my spirit deflated,
my body more bloodied than before.
I wonder why you won’t put me out
of my misery
when you know I cannot do it myself
rather than continuing this torture
you seem to feed upon.
one final, decisive blow
is all that we would need
to finish this raging war
between us.
I beg you to take mercy on me,
your love, your enemy,
and end this hurt.

Cock Fights

we stood in the kitchen
rummaging through
a collection of years
spent together.
I gave him the toaster.
he let me have the waffle maker
that I claimed changed my life.
plates and dishes and soup ladles
being separated
like children to an orphanage.
our eyes fell upon
the ceramic rooster set at the same time.
I called it first.
he called it louder.
a Christmas gift from a friend
that neither of us wanted
now, it was a gold mine,
the ultimate prize
only to spite the other.
voices thundering
against ceramic tiles
a cock fight of our own
in a cold kitchen
that was once our home.
I pull out the tear trick
and he relents a bit
saying the roosters are mine
if he can have the kitten
that we just adopted.
that dirty bastard!
how unfair was that?!?
but I could not retreat.
so I agreed and grabbed
the nearest thing I could find…
“take it! I get the roosters…
AND I’m taking this banana!!!”
I shook it fiercely in the air between us
as if it was a weapon
that could take his life.
he stepped backwards,
reaching for the kitten,
as I threw the roosters and bananas
into my last box
and stormed out the door

This vagabond heart

My heart wasn’t made for one.
It’s much more like a vagabond or gypsy
roaming around
seeking adventure and
stirring up trouble
never wanting to be tied down.
You tell me this is odd and
that I will regret this
years down the road,
letting my heart be free
and traveling.
You said a woman should find
a good home for her heart
and keep it there,
using words like
“safe” and “sound”
for “eternity”.
Instead I hear
boring, boring and dull.
It’s like buying a majestic kite
and tying it to a tree in your front yard
for only you to enjoy on days that
it catches the wind.
What is the point?
A kite is made to blow free
and go where the wind takes it
just like my vagabond heart.

Love in the hood

It wasn’t a fairytale love
that we shared
nothing to write a movie about
but it was a love, nonetheless,
that was deep and true.
you see, in the hood,
your man doesn’t call you
sugar or poo-bear or princess.
his terms of endearment for me
were babe, boo, and homeskillet
and at the time
and in that place
those meant more than any
other names he could have
whispered to me in the dark
because I knew I had his heart
and he would always have my back
through rain or shine
no matter what that entailed.
life isn’t always ponies
and a pocket full of posies here
but if I needed someone
roughed up or
was short on cash
my boo
would always come through
for me.
unconditional love
is a very relative term.


I’m pretty sure I ordered this sunny-side-up and not scrambled but as I stare into this skillet of my life, it seems that sometimes God doesn’t listen very well when you’re placing orders.

The Bells

I watch from above, my head in between the banister rails like a jailhouse window as she dances through the glass door and into the foyer. In one swift move her coat slips off of her shoulders and flies through the air, ringing the rack and causing it to sway. She grabs it, into her arms, like a lost dance partner of her younger years and giggles. I watch her and the coat rack swing around the entry way like a cartoon romance. “I do very well today, sir. Thank you for asking.” She sets her coat rack man back up in the corner and curtseys, thanking him for the dance. “You have lovely moves yourself.” She winks and then glides into the living room. I tip toe quickly down the stairs and peek around the corner. She stands in front of the mantle, one finger caressing the corners of his framed picture. “Do you hear that, sugar?” my grandmother asks, without turning around to face me. How she always hears me even when I’m quite like a mouse blows me away. I come around the corner and stand at her side, looking up at his picture. “Did you hear the Christmas bells he played for you?” I shake my head, knowing I will disappoint her again. I can never hear the bells she speaks of. “Well, he’s playing them for you. Just keep listening. Promise me, you will always keep listening.” I promise her I will, like I do every year and then we join my parents, hand in hand, for our Christmas dinner. We eat and laugh and open presents and as always, I miss Grandpa as I listen for the bells.

Paper clip

I twirled the giant metal paper clip
clumsily between my fingers.
I watched it somersault
amidst my flesh
like it was a magic meteor
with dazzling lights
and reflections full of promise.
It was the only object I could use
to keep my eyes off of you
across the table
a stranger that I used to love.
They passed me another packet,
with a smaller paper clip,
and I traced around the smooth edges
with my pen
making a design of half moons
and swirls.
You clear your throat,
drawing me away from my doodling,
and forcing me to make eye contact.
Your stare is blank and cold.
My eyes are hot with tears.
How is it that 12 years with you
is only held together now
by a paper clip?
No love, no laughter, no more family.
And once I sign my name
it will all be gone.
I do as my lawyer instructs
and stare at the cursive curves
of your last name one more time,
as mine.
Then slide the paper clip
into my pocket
so that I will always remember
this day
that we signed our love away.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I stumbled out the steel door
into the alley
gasping for the cool night air,
my mind intoxicated by
the music inside
and the martini’s
pulsating through my veins.
I saw him
leaning against the brick wall
one leg against it
and one on the ground
hotboxing his Newport
with one hand
and holding a brown bag special
in the other.
He smiled at me
like a lion about to pounce
and the sense of danger
was erotic.
He asked if I wanted to go
somewhere else,
with him,
and spice up the night.
I knew exactly what he wanted
and told him to lead the way.
When we got to his car
I asked him his name,
thinking I should know something
about this stranger that was
about to rock my world.
“It’s Dwight,” he said.
“Dwight Dingleberry.”
And I knew in an instance that I
had just left a headbangers ball
for a beer garden polka.
Fuck my luck.

Summer 1996

so hot
it felt like the sun
might melt
our faces off.
riding horses
through the woods
dodging majestic oaks
like they were a battlefield
full of iron clad soldiers,
their limbs like rods
that threatened to dethrone us.
but our dynamic duo
always arrived at the other side
near the creek
victorious and unscathed in this game.
we would meander through the grass
onto the rock you called
“lulu limestone”
that hung over the water
where we dipped our toes
talking of becoming
astronauts, rockstars
or the Czar of Russia,
if they ever brought that position back.
Your dreams,
never small, never ordinary,
always brilliant
in the eyes of your little sister.
I never dreamt as well as you
but I loved seeing the world
through your remarkable eyes…
so full of possibility and promise.
there was nothing that would ever
stop you from achieving greatness.
The summer you almost made me believe
that I too could be anything I wanted.
The summer that you left this earth
and me all alone.
I told everyone you were not gone.
That you merely took a rocketship
to heaven and would be back for me.
And every summer I ride here
perched upon lulu
staring at the sky
waiting for you to return to get me.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Whore

Woman of lust,
polish and paint
walk the city
where a lusting creature
struts in waiting
like a dog in heat
for a whiff
for a fuck with you.

Come to the blood rising
in your brain and limbs
to the fierce pounding heart
Whore woman
of stale stench
with ice in your veins
and coins in your stockings
to the men who wait
like a lump
until your touch
yanks them from silence.

then come
unwrap your fantasies
as you intertwine your bodies
and leave your wad
of bills
on the bed
for her,
as you leave with a smile.

Apartment 3C

A half moon hangs
on a pole near the corner.
It’s artificial rays leading me
onto the next block
as my feet crunch along
the white sugar
that God has dusted
off of the stars
and sprinkled
on the sidewalk.

I am the only marks
on natures purest
The wind whirls
around me and
dances with my
tattered scarf…
some days it feels
like a noose around
my neck.
I trudge onward
to the cold confines
of the place where
I sleep, bathe and
eat with not a soul
in sight
in a dwelling I could
call home.


I wanted so badly
to believe that you could be
true to one woman who could
capture your heart.
I did this to myself.
You never said I was the only one.
My eyes distorted the message you sent
with each look,
each kiss,
each smile.
I read between the lines
when there were no lines to be read.
A look isn’t love
a kiss isn’t a contract
a smile isn’t forever,
I fooled myself into
believing I had it all.
An empty page of your heart
I painted without
your permission for
the sake of justifying
the lust, the fuck,
we share.
created by one,
trapped on the middle
of a burning bridge
with no way to retreat
or advance
my heart to safety.

The Water

Spiders etch
their story of
and loneliness
across the corners
of this cabin.
Dust has collected
on the countertops
and my heart.
The lake doesn’t
glisten through
the trees anymore
instead its sparkling
invitation lures the
innocent to death
and danger.
The waters you loved
that swallowed you
last year
haunt me,
blind me,
as I stare
at the portrait of
you and i
on the wall,
perched upon
the new boat
we used only once
that now sits locked
in the shed
like the love
in my heart
meant only for you.

Bits & Pieces

She said I’ll have more time to love myself now that I’m not so busy trying to love him.

She wouldn’t have to tell you what makes her happy if you were paying attention to her smiles.

Some days when I’m in your arms I hold my breath because I’m afraid if my heart fills with any more love, I simply might combust.

She told me one of these days she was going to make a difference in the world. Odd, she never realized what a difference she had made in our little world.

In her innocent infant smile we all believed that we could be a better person.

The thing about being an aunt is that the sillier you are and the louder your toy, the cooler you become. Not many other jobs have that perk.

The day you left this world I went out into the night and chased the air amongst the fire flies, trying to catch a bit of your soul in my jar.

I’ve found that the real treasures in life that are worth fighting for and keeping cannot be caught in a net, they can only be stored in your heart.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I can’t tell if it’s colder in the house or outside in the blizzard
Your shoulder is like an iceberg
I can’t get around it, over it, or through it
But I can sure feel it.
It leaves my heart sinking like the Titanic.
How exactly do you want me to react?
Grovel at your feet?
Try my best to ignore it?
Throw the coldness back at you?
What will that accomplish?
I wish I knew how this collision happened
Where the hell did this mammoth mountain come from?
And why didn’t I mean enough to you to talk it through from the get
So we could’ve avoided this bitter and cold winter we’ve found.


I wait…
Inches away from the mistletoe
For you to make your entrance
Hoping to be the first girl to catch you there
Tonight and for eternity.
All the sultry glances you’ve given me
Where I quickly turned away
Lunch hours spent at my desk
Drink invitations I’ve never been bold enough to accept...
This is a new year
And a new me
So I shall not slink away from my feelings
Any longer.
When you enter this party tonight
And I meet you under the mistletoe
You will be aware of all my inner desires.
I will apologize for taking so long to respond
You will say better late than never
And we shall sneak out the back door
Away from this boring office party
Off together at last.
I giggle with delight at the mere thought of
Your lips upon mine.
My skipping heart nearly beats out of my chest
When I see you walk through the door
And then it drops
Like an anchor into Arctic seas
You, holding hands with a woman,
Introducing her as your fiancé
Yet you dare to send a sweet smile and wink my way
When you realize I’m watching.
This is not the way I had hoped to start my new year
Sneaking out the back door of this office party
All by myself, again.


He asked me to his company Christmas party and then begged that I try, for once, to blend in. I told him if that was the case, that I regretfully decline as camouflage just wasn’t my color.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I remember the day we spent at the orchard
On a blanket in the shade
Watching the branches sway
Under the safe fortress of those trees
No one could touch us
Or hear us
Or know
That we were hiding away
You climbed to the top
And picked me the most perfect, juicy and delicious
One you could find
Then handed it to me to enjoy for a moment
When I had finished
I knew that no other would ever do again
I had reached the peak of perfection
Now the winter has taken over
And the orchard is barren
Rotted apple carcass scattered on the ground
There is no beauty to be found
I lay on the cold earth
Under our tree
And empty of love
Like the branches above.
Wishing for anything to make you next to me
Knowing that no other would ever do.
I had reached the peak of perfection with you.


You hijack my mind
Like a terrorist on a mission
Determined to see me crash and burn
You cannot bear the thought of me
Having one moment without you
Not realizing at all
That if you succeed in my demise
I will finally be eternally free of you
Which is my only wish.


I used to know you
now I don’t
I used to cry
but now I won’t
I’ve let go of
the heart I owned
determined to make it
on my own
Years have passed
before my eyes
once filled with love
now full of lies
I have seen you
melt away
further from me
with each day
Until I found
I cannot pretend
to be your lover
or your friend
Instead it seems
the love we had
has withered, rotted,
turned so bad
And I am left
with feelings void
in a place where I
had once felt joy
But I won’t despair
just hurry on
I know it’s best
if I am gone.

Happy Meal

Bright orange marigolds fill the
planter in front of McDonalds
a melted mixture of the
red building and golden arches
flared like the bottom
of a bottle rocket in a bed of
chalky white rocks.
A comfort, an invitation, like being a child
at grandmothers all over again.
Past the 99 cent quarter pounder
plastered window a child sits
with her parents, waiting for her
“happy meal”. She pulls out the
cookies first, then the rubbery
chicken nuggets, bypassing the fries
as she searches frantically for
the plastic toy she knows is always there,
as her father reads the paper and her mother
races through a list of things she must get done
this week. Neither of them noticing each other
or her. Or that the head as fallen off of her brand new
mini Barbie. But she doesn’t cry, or make a fuss,
simply slides it under the table…
she knows there will be a new toy next week…
same time, same place at their happy family meal.

A rope called love

I have not forgotten,
eighteen and still holding
onto dreams you left behind.
You said I was home base
and rushed out into the night
to conquer life
and fulfill your wildest dreams.

Her, like the Berlin wall built between us,
with straw colored hair and deep emerald eyes.
You had no choice.
The straight path you walked away on,
chasing after her
without glancing back.
I have not forgotten,
twenty-six and holding
a faded letter that you wrote
to tell me goodbye.

Second thoughts,
you had none.
I saw you changing…
dimmer, smaller,
as you become lost
to my naked eye.
Your footsteps now abolished
through the changing
of the earth’s seasons
and every minute that passes.
The line between us
growing thin.
Almost invisible.
Yet hope lingers.
I am home base,
go where you will.

Love will never grow

I don’t know what the priest had been saying about his life.
At lunch we all grieved.
Pasts, memories on memories,
but oh the “you have our sympathies”.
My brain erupting with a father
lying, drunk at my graduation,
inviting his whore into our house,
smiling, concealing,
but I saw the evil shadow
that fell across
his stubbled face.

Mother was a mass of Kleenex and sobs,
my sisters
weeping at her side.
But not I. Am I not human?
Why couldn’t I recall the happy times?
The softball games,
the brand new pink bike
with the yellow banana seat
and basket on handlebars…
riding down the gravel drive
with pigtails flying,
as you promised not to let me fall.

And so I sat…waiting…
it was not too late
for tears to fall
like a cleansing counselor.

Mother begins to glide between full tables
thanking people who came to the church.
Then, the family I have left,
trods out to a mound of cold earth,
where I set my flower down
and I know
it will never grow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Next to me

My weary head rests
Upon your chest
My tears spatter your skin
Your wipe them away
Say it will all be okay
And give me that smile again
A sweet gentle kiss
Right on my lips
There’s no other place I’d rather be
Wrapped in your arms
Safe from all harm
Happiness is you next to me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What I can do

I want you to have all the happiness in the world
but it is not a gift I can wrap up for you in a bow.
I’ve tried before. Racked my brain for ways
to make you smile. It is only now I realize
that is not for me to do. Or anyone else.
I can’t make you see how blessed you are.
Or how much love surrounds you.
All I can do is pray every night when I close my eyes
that your eyes will open and you will see it for yourself.

To You I Wish

To you I wish
the moon and stars
a thousand whispers
in the dark
laughter ringing
in your ears
a million days
free of tears
the touch of someone
that is true
who gives her love
like I have you
a hundred kisses
on your brow
one to hold you
and know just how
to make your heart skip
and erase your fear…
I wish my love
on you my dear.


You don’t have to pretend
this is hard on you for my sake.
Walk away now while
I still have some pride
and happy memories.
Don’t say there is no one to blame
and that we’ll always be friends
for you and I both know that
it never works out that way.
Instead, leave me,
like you had planned,
before you came tonight,
so that tomorrow I can try to move on.
Don’t look back at my tear stained face.
Looking back is always bad luck
and it’s not a good picture to have in your head.
If you do, you may feel guilt for
the heartache you caused me
and the love you threw away without a care.
I don’t want it to be as hard on you
as it is on me. At least one of us
should be happy that it turned out this way.
No, keep your hug and your kiss that
you want to desperately to deliver
just one last time.
I want to remember it the way it was…
a token of our love,
not a gesture of your goodbye.

Faded Valentine

There’s a shoebox on the top shelf of the closet.
A secret kept from all, containing her most valuable treasures.
Pictures of a young girl wearing a red dress, white sandals and pigtails.
She’s next to a young boy with dark hair, rosy cheeks and buck teeth.
Later, portraits of the same pair,
different now with braces and make-up and pimples.
Letters exchanged, tucked neatly below,
white paper turned yellow with age,
creases worn from a thousand readings.
And at the very bottom,
a faded valentine.
Once red and vibrant like her dress,
spotted by candy hearts,
whose words made her heart pitter-patter
with hope and excitement
and love.
Too bad,
that the boy next door never knew
how much that girl in pigtails loved him.
Not only in pigtails,
but through cars, proms,
tests, friends and college.
Now, the only remnant she has
is a faded valentine
that sits on a shelf
in the closet of her lonely one room apartment
to be read on cold nights, like these,
when she dreams of what might have been
and if her love could’ve saved him.

Before the dawn

The sun has faded
The moon is high
A million stars
Light up the sky
It signals me
To make my move
My love for you
I must prove
Quickly, swiftly,
I don’t have long
I must convince you
Before the dawn.

I told you so

I’ll never say I told you so
when we run into each other
back home, years later, and have
a drink while we reminisce
about days gone by so fast.
I’ll hear your apology and claim
we were young, didn’t know
any better, don’t worry about it.
And you’ll feel better
thinking I forgave you
not knowing of the tears and pain
I thought were never-ending.
I’ll smile to put you at ease,
hug you like a peace treaty signature,
and at that point the past won’t matter
because this is the present
and Lord knows we have no future.
When you talk of hollow romances,
regrets, and days I’ve crossed your mind,
and if you could turn back time…
I’ll never say I told you so.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Bright blue eyes
burning with tears
as we stood in
a fluorescent lit
holding hands
saying our goodbyes.
Hours, days, months,
melt into years
that have passed
us by. Sailing
away through
Christmas, work,
roses, Packer games,
baseball, laughter,
movies, family, friends
and a baby that
could not survive
inside me, that
tore us apart.
A miscarriage
of our love,
our dreams,
our future.
And still I
remember your
shadow as
you walked out
the door.


If this is love
Please let me go
If this is love
I don’t want to know
Of ups and downs
The do’s and don’ts
If this is love
Well then I won’t
Be a slave
To your demands
Answer all
Of your commands
Be your toy
When you have time
Live your dream
And not live mine
Give and give
And watch you take
I won’t allow
My heart to break
For you, your games,
The things you say
If this is love
I don’t want to play.


I’ll get used to living without you
Won’t be easy, but I’ll make it through
I finally realized I’m a prisoner of lies
And I’ll be better off without you.
I’ll get used to waking up lonely
There’s no reason why I won’t survive
I’ll be okay with each passing day
It’s time that I take back my life.
It won’t hurt me to see you with others
A new love may suit you just fine
And while you’re out searching for her
I too will be searching for mine.


Some mornings are harder than others
Crawling out of bed, alone,
Blinking away dreams of you
And telling myself
That things will get better,
Life will go on,
And someday,
I’ll get over you.

The Noise

There was a sound in the darkness
That kept her awake
She didn’t know how much more
Noise she could take
She searched in the closet
And then with much dread
She dropped to her knees
And looked under the bed
Went through every room
Turned on all the lights
Checked behind doors
Then stared off in the night
The noise was still rumbling
It’s volume unfettered
Like the pain in her chest
Yes, she should’ve known better
The noise was inside her
That kept her awake
This was the sound
Of a lonely heartbreak.

The Chill

It’s cold today
In that sort of way that lets me know you are not gone for good
That phantom breeze upon my neck
Making the hair rise and sending a shiver down my spine
Reminding me that you’re still

Monday, December 7, 2009


I had a crazy dream about you last night. It was so real and vivid I couldn’t shake it all morning. I could’ve sworn you were next to me, gliding your finger up and down my side as we lay in bed smiling at each other. The touch felt so real it gave me goosebumps. But as always, you were not there.

It shouldn’t have surprised me to hear from you this morning. You’ve always had a knack for knowing when you’re on my mind. Uncanny sometimes the way you can read me even when we’re not face to face. I’ve always said men have radar that detects when their old loves have moved on and found happiness with another man. I’m sure your radar has been going crazy lately.

I finally found him. No, he isn’t you. He’s better than you. He’s better to me. He loves me better than you could. You tell me today “I miss our times together. I miss kissing you. I miss being next to you. I miss seeing you. I just miss us.” You didn’t have to miss any of that. I didn’t do this to us. You chose it. And I chose him.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I sensed it was growing inside me before I got the test results back. I knew not whether to laugh or cry or both. My mother told me to get used to that feeling but to try laughing more than crying because too much crying scares children.


She told him his love was ruining her and that he had to let her go. He said he would respect her wishes and leave her alone...but he still calls her every day in his head to tell her he loves her and he’s hoping that doesn’t constitute stalking.

Accidental Cougar

She said she was an accidental it her fault that young men find her irresistible? We figured she really couldn’t be faulted for that at all. There were much worse titles a woman in her 30’s could have.

No Noise

When the time had come to say goodbye he stood in silence, facing the corner, as if no noise would help me forget that it was over and perhaps I would stay another day.


They say the human brain weighs 7 pounds. No wonder it hurts like hell when it feels like it's trying desperately to squeeze out of something as small as my left temple...


She doesn’t see the sunlight shine
In her cave of grief and destitution
She can hear water but not find her way to drink
She can smell fire but not move herself closer for warmth
She takes tiny gasps of air that make her lungs ache for more
She just lays there, mourning, every morning
Thinking if she closes her eyes tight enough
You will be there again…
Her sunshine, her water, her warmth, her air.

Always You

I felt the world caving in yesterday
First, annoying, like a sand storm or pebbles bouncing against my skin
My knees grew weak and I tried to duck inside this deep well
But there was nowhere to hide
No corner to crouch in and retreat
The rocks continued to fall
Until I couldn’t move my feet anymore
I just stood there, taking this beating,
Unable to fight back
Fear had engulfed me
Sadness ravaged my heart
And I knew not how to escape
The stones grew in size and pelted my flesh
I was bleeding
I was crying
I wanted to lie down and give up
And as I did
You were there
Covering me with your body
Protecting me from the pain
Picking me up into your arms
And carrying me out of this place
When I came to I was safe in your love
And I knew you would never let anything hurt me
Always there, always true, always you.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Hagebakke Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving. I’m heading home to spend the holidays with the family but you won’t be there with us. You won’t be playing cards and eating too much food. Sprawling out on the couch and yelling at the football games. No watching you play with the kids, as if you were one of them that never grew up. Our very own Peter Pan. No, we won’t get to see you there this year…but we will feel you. In every conversation, hollow laugh and tear drop. We will know that you’re in the room, watching us. And even though it will be loud and crowded, it will never have felt so empty as it will this year without your smile. This is the holiday that we are supposed to be thankful. How can we give thanks for an autumn with so much pain and grief? How can we celebrate the year that we lost you? You should be here with us. We should be showering you with the love you didn’t want to believe was there, instead of sending our thoughts to heaven and hoping you catch them.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry for being so selfish
For always thinking of myself and my feelings
I know that is not the way that love works
You of all people have shown me that
I should never have let him in
Whispering doubts in the corners of my mind
Releasing his poison into my blood and heart
Allowing me to doubt in us for a moment
I know that you are the one for me
You bring me more happiness than I have ever known
More joy than I ever thought possible
More love than I have ever deserved
You had one simple request
To love you with my entire heart
The way that you loved me
That’s all you asked for
And I almost ruined everything
I don’t know why I thought 95% would be enough
You deserve a million times that
I’m so sorry for hurting you
I do love you with everything that I am
And I will spend the rest of my days
Proving to you that you are and always will be
The only one in my heart.

Friday, November 13, 2009


I feel hollow
Like a rotted out tree
Nothing inside to keep me from cracking and falling to the ground
You destroyed me
Like a termite
Feeding on me for your own pleasure
How could you claim you loved me
And then ravage me from the inside out?
I’m but a former shell of myself
No more magnificence or vibrant colors
My limbs and leaves don’t sway in the wind anymore
You stopped the breeze from dancing with me
I gave you everything inside me
You ate until you had your fill
Then moved on to ruin the next
Leaving me alone and hollow


I wasn’t sure how to get out of bed this morning
I didn’t know if I had the strength to face this day at all
I can hardly remember my life without you in it
Today was going to be a harsh reminder of that time
Today there is no choice but to go on living without you

One foot in front of the other, I told myself
It can’t be that hard
And I pulled my sleepy body from the warmth
Of the bed we once shared
To face the cold of the world alone

And cold it was, when I walked out the door
The briskness of dawn sweeping through my coat
I pulled it tighter around me
Just like I used to do with your arms

I looked to the sky, wanting to scream your name
To the heavens and the neighbors and anyone that could hear me
When I did, I saw the most amazing sunrise
The sky was burnt with hues of orange, fuschia and purple
Its beauty nearly took my breath away
I sat down on the lawn and stared in awe
Knowing, like you, it would not last forever

I wanted to take it all in
Sketch a picture in my mind that could never be erased
Just like I should’ve done with you
Before you left this world to paint me sunrises from heaven

Cliff Note

You almost caught me again
In your web of lies and unfulfilled promises
How easily I could have fallen
I stood on the edge of the cliff
Toes dangling over
Pebbles falling into the abyss
The faintest of breezes
Could’ve knocked me down
Back into your arms
Where I know I don’t belong any longer
You and I were just a dream
A dream that was too good to be true
Never to be a reality
You are not the man I wanted you to be
You are no longer my dream

Friday, November 6, 2009

Dead Dandelion

I watch it dance along the wind
White tentacles stretching lazily in every direction
Blissful and at peace
Bobbing through the air
Teasing me to follow it on its great adventure
Once it was a flower
Bound to the ground by stem and roots
Picked by children and rubbed across their rosy cheeks
They say it dies when the color fades
And the pedals disappear
But I believe that’s when it truly lives
No longer chained down
Free to be light and magical
And follow the wind
Never to return to the same time and place
I envy the journey
Of this flowers death
For it has finally found freedom

In The Garage

We stand, awkwardly in the garage,
Not sure what is left to say.
Your eyes are burning through the top of my head
As you stare my direction, waiting
I prefer to look down and watch my feet shuffle and sweep
the dirty garage floor
I can’t believe I wore these shoes to see you.
“So?” you ask quietly in a whisper that took my breath away
so many times before.
“So what?” I pretend I do not know what you are getting at.
You lean against the car next to me,
Your hips barely brushing against mine
You place your head upon my shoulder and let out a sad sigh
I’m not sure my heart can take this
I play with the zipper on my sweatshirt
and ask about your baseball team that’s in the playoffs,
as if I care at all.
You know how much I despise that team.
You take my hand in yours and cup my chin with the other,
forcing me to look into those piercing crystal eyes.
They are welling with tears
Mine soon match, knowing those tears are on my behalf.
“Just tell me what I have to do to make you love me again.”
You plead that you will do whatever it takes.
I remind you that you weren’t willing to do anything
when I needed it from you the most.
You tell me to stop bringing up the past and focus on the future.
All I can tell you is that there is no future.
I flinch when you toss your favorite cap across the oil-streaked floor
and run your frustrated hands across your newly shaven head.
I quickly wipe away the lone tear that has escaped down my cheek.
I swore I would never cry for you again.
You quickly take the blame for the past and tell me how much you love me.
You touch my face again and say “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me”
I swallow what feels like Mt. Saint Helens going down the back of my throat.
“I do love you. I will always love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
You think it’s because of him.
There is nothing I can say to make you realize that it’s all because of you.
You couldn’t love me like you promised me you were going to.
You never even tried until it was too late. And even now,
your effort, although valiant, is a miserable attempt at what should come so easy…
if you truly felt that way about me with all your heart and soul.
But you don’t. I know this. As much as you want to.
As much as you’ve convinced yourself you do.
You say you’ve never loved anyone like you love me.
I don’t doubt you.
But you have a lot to learn about what it takes to love someone right.
It pains me to leave you alone like this with tears on your cheeks,
standing in a dirty and dark garage, grasping to what we once had.
I never thought I would walk away from you
But I have to now.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Cut the String

You tell me you’re glad I’m strong and that I can do it for the both of us.
Funny, I don’t feel strong at all when it comes to you.
I wish that my heart were made of steel.
Every time we speak it feels like a tiny pin poking a hole through me
And my heart starts to bleed out for you.
Is the bandage I apply each time just a temporary fix?
There has to be a day ahead where I don’t love you,
When you won’t have any effect on me,
When it doesn’t hurt so badly to tell you no.
I know what I want and need and where my future lies
You are not in that picture.
So why do I cling to that string from the past?
I need to cut the string and tuck it in an envelope,
Seal it shut and hide it away.
But when I try to cut it, you fight and grasp tighter,
Hanging on for dear life,
As if losing me completely will be your demise.
That is so unfair of you to do to me.
It’s unfair of me to let you.
I’ve begged you to cut yourself loose but you refuse.
I must make this final cut so that my heart can finally heal from you.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I roll in the darkness
Expecting to bump into your warm body at any moment
But instead I just find the edge of the bed
I run my finger along the sheets
Where your back should be
Up to the pillow
Where your head used to lie
I nestled my face into the puffiness
I can smell you there
Your cologne and the shampoo in your hair
I breathe as deeply as I can
Wanting to take in all of you
I nearly suffocate myself trying to recapture you
I can’t stop the tears that cascade from my eyes
I scream your name into this pillow abyss
Knowing you won’t hear me
Nobody can tonight
I scream until I can no longer make a sound
My eyes are dried up and itching
Like my eyelids are made out of sandpaper
I am exhausted on your side of the bed
My broken heart beating for only you in my chest
Your tear stained pillow under my head

Monday, October 26, 2009

He Waits

He waits for her
The lights turned down
A lone cricket’s chirp
Is the only sound
that makes him feel
he’s not alone
within these walls
they called their home
the house they built
with sweat and tears
that protected them
for all these years
the walls he thought
kept out the bad
but now he questions
all they ever had
for a thief has come
into their lair
he sits waiting
but she’s not there
and he knows that she
has found someone new
but he doesn’t know
what else to do
so he sits alone
and cries and prays
that maybe she will
come back today.


In my head I had contemplated a million different scenarios
Eloquent words that would tell you the truth
And somehow protect you from the pain
Today when you called I couldn’t remember
Any of the phrases I had practiced
Instead, I just blurted it out,
Scared if I didn’t throw it at you now,
I would never have the courage again
I figured I should just rip that band-aid off
Instead of pulling it slowly and causing more pain
The silence from you was unbearable
All I could hear was my heart beating in my ears
I couldn’t mutter a single word
As I waited for your reaction
It came slow and pained
You said you felt like you couldn’t breathe
I knew the feeling too well
Despite all we’ve been through
I’ve never wanted to hurt you
Never wanted you to know what it felt like
to be me and love you
and hurt so deep inside some days your chest feels hollow
but now I guess you do.

Friday, October 23, 2009

He Loves Me

I’ve never had anyone love me as well as he does
I told my father
When he asked about the smile I couldn’t wipe off of my face
When I’m laughing with my friends
When I’m goofy late at night because I’m tired
When I’m sad because it feels like the walls are caving in
When I’m yelling at the football game on a Sunday afternoon
When I’m curled up in his arms, his breath tickling my face
He loves me like I’ve never been loved before
And some moments, it takes my breath away
And brings tears to my eyes
I wonder if I deserve a love like this
To feel this glorious and fulfilled and complete
Maybe I do, maybe I don’t
All I know is that I will spend the rest of my life
Trying to love him as well as he does me.

Flowers and Weeds

Beautiful faces crowd the paths
Wonderful flowers line the walls
Yet you pick the weeds which corrupt the scene
They tangle the truth
And block out the sun
So their ugliness is disguised
As they tower over the beauty that grows
Just below your eyes
You’ll never find them
Because you search with no effort
You just pick the easy ones at the top
For your entertainment
You’re not looking for something that lasts
Or smells divine or will give you lasting pleasure
You only need something that looks good for the night
You will toss it out with the trash in the morning.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Puppet In Your Pocket

You’re not the first to become upset at the news of my happiness
I wonder what right you think you have to act that way
When I say the words your voice deflates
like a thousand balloons being ransacked by a machine gun
it’s almost as if there is no air left in you at all
you try to mutter a quick “congratulations”
it is cold and soft and far from the sincerity and passion of your lies before
I ask you if you thought I would wait for you forever.
Was 743 chances not enough? You surely would’ve gotten in right on 744, I suppose.
You ask how I could do this to you and to us.
This has nothing to do with you because there hasn’t been an “us” in a really long time.
You tell me to give you one more night and you’ll never ask for anything from me again.
I owe you no favors and the audacity of your request makes my stomach turn.
My love was not a rain check you could wait and cash in when you felt vulnerable and lonely.
It’s so obvious that’s how you are feeling now.
That puppet in your pocket has suddenly become a real live girl
with a heart and a soul and a mind of her own.
The bad news for you is that she found someone that loves her for that.
She has given him her love in return.
With the promise of forever
And that ring on her finger is your clue
That she will never be yours again.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Snow

The snow came the other day and made me think of you. The sky above was glowing so brightly it beckoned me from my slumber. I pulled back the curtains from the comfort of my bed and watched the dazzling white flakes float to the ground, with no particular purpose or place to be. They were in no hurry to land and melt away. I thought about our first winter together and how we shared a similar sentiment with the snow flakes. We were not in a rush. There was no place we would rather be than together. We had all the time in the world to float, hand in hand. A pure love, in a pure white snow. I recall how we ran outside the first time we saw the flakes begin their descent from heaven. How you loved to catch them on your tongue but they preferred to settle on those long, beautiful, dark lashes of yours. I remember chasing each other and tumbling around on the layer of cold, ending with you on top of me and a warm kiss on each of my rosy cheeks and then my lips. Once back inside the house we stripped out of our wet clothes and drank hot chocolate, talking about all the winters that were yet to come. The winters still come around here. You being gone hasn’t stopped that. Some years just seem a little bit colder now and I no longer dance in the snow with my love.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Chapter Three snippet

I looked out the window at the passing land below as we flew into a rising sun. I had forgotten how unbelievably green it was here…and flat. The landscape was dotted with farms, cornfields and small towns, rather than skyscrapers and freeways. As we began our descent into the capital city things became clearer and clearer. I couldn’t believe all the trees. I could see the dots of a softball game going on in a field below. I had to smile. I loved playing softball. I couldn’t recall the last time I had played. It was a bit depressing. A small boy pointed excitedly out the window and tugged on his mother’s arm. “Mommy, we’re home, we’re home! I missed everything.”

I thought about his statement. So far all I’ve missed while staring out this window is softball. Huh. I’m thinking that might not be a good thing. I haven’t been back in Iowa for almost 3 years and my only thoughts flying in were that I used to like softball? What about my family? My friends? Why wasn’t I nervous or scared or at the edge of my seat dying to see them? What the hell were they going to say when I drove up to the house? I probably should’ve called and told them I was coming. What if they weren’t even home?

The limo was waiting for me when I got out of the terminal. It’s a three hour drive to my hometown and I wasn’t about to try to make that behind a steering well. Plus, this trip is on Jamal and there was no need to be clipping coupons on his account. This was my non-honeymoon and he expected me to be jet-setting somewhere marvelous. I figured if I didn’t rack up some debt on this card he would be suspicious and get angrier with me. Who am I to go against his wishes? Oops, I think I had a little smudge of evil on my chin.

I took a brief nap in the back of the car and then stared at out the window, watching my former life get closer and closer. I swear there were old ghosts whipping along through the prairie grass in the ditches, dancing and taunting me in the wind as we made our way down this desolate highway. I took advantage of the bar in the back and made myself a few stiff drinks while we rolled towards Decorah.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

We Fell

We fell in the fall and drifted through the air...
unsure where to land without having you there.


I’m stuck in the world
Where you’re not here but you’re not gone
I cannot touch you
I cannot get you out of my every thought
I want just an hour to pass
Without thinking of you
Missing you
Crying for you
Crying for us
If I could I would make a deal with the devil
I would give anything if it meant
One more moment with you
One more time to have your laughter ring through my ears
One more time to hear your sweet voice say my name
One more time to feel your calloused hand caressing mine
One more time to look into your eyes so you could read my soul
But you left me
And I’m stuck
Trying to wrap up the pieces of the broken hearts we share
They are splintered and shattered everywhere I look
I don’t know how to piece them back together
I don’t know how to get up each morning without you
I don’t know how to let you go
I’m stuck

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Isn't You

I know it sounds evil
But I’m glad that you cried
I earned those tears from you
After all the pain you’ve caused me
It’s the least that you could do
I gave you everything I had
Every little part of me I could spare
And you took them with no regard
You never gave anything back
Until I demanded that you return my heart
And finally you wanted to give me your love
A love that no longer does me any good
A love that can only bring me down
A love that was all I ever wanted
A love that now makes my stomach churn
I gave up too much for you
I gave up myself
I forgot who I was and what made me happy
I fooled myself into thinking
That you made me whole
And I won’t be that girl again
I deserve to be complete
And I need someone that loves me when they have me
Not once they lost me
I need someone that is not you.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Tomorrow she swears things will be different.
She won’t wake with thoughts of you wrestling her from her slumber.
There won’t be tears in her eyes each time someone says your name.
Every song she hears won’t stab like a tiny pinhole into her barely beating heart.
She will look at your picture and smile.
She will hold onto the memories and love that you shared with joy.
There will be no more what ifs and I could have’s and if only’s.
She will be grateful for every moment spent in your arms, as short as that time may have been.
She will know that your love was great and nothing can ever replace it.
But she will realize that she has to move on. That the guilt is not hers to carry.
That she did all that she could and loved you with her entire heart
And that WAS enough. That was what she could control. Nothing else.
Tomorrow she will take another step in learning how to live without you.
There will be thousands of those ahead.
Some days it will seem like an uphill battle she can never win.
But tomorrow, she will know that she can.
And someday she will be happy again because she needs to be and deserves that peace.
And that was all you ever dreamed and wanted for her.
To love and be loved.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The One That Got Away

He couldn’t believe the ways she had changed, this woman that he used to know. He thought seeing her would be delightful for him. In his mind he liked to think that his leaving her years ago may have wrecked her. That she could barely survive a life without him. He fooled himself into thinking he had that power. He pictured her often, looking years past her age, with streaks of gray beginning to weave through her hair. Her eyes a little cold, distant and lonely. He would see the lines on her face where she stayed up nights worrying about him and wishing for him to return their love. When they met he would let her beg to have him back before he caved. She didn’t have to know that is the reason he wished to see her again. That he had been nothing without her. He thought it would be easier to take control of her this time. She wouldn’t fight so hard and be so independent because she wouldn’t want to risk losing him again. He waited in a corner booth for a fragment of the woman he once knew to slink through the door and look for him but she didn’t.

He was surprised when he saw the woman of his past float gracefully through the door with a heart stopping smile on her face. She looked as beautiful as ever. Perhaps a little taller. Could that be? Or was she just walking taller these days? Her eyes were not sad and lonely. They sparkled with life and luster as they always had. He heard her laugh as she spotted him and whisked over to the table. God, he had missed that laugh of an angel.

They made small talk for a few minutes and finally she asked. “Why did you need to see me? Is everything ok?” He couldn’t help but spill out, with pathetic honesty, how miserable he had been without her and how sorry he was for hurting her. She listened, unmoved, to his plea and sat quietly after he had finished. She fidgeted with her ring finger and it was the first time he noticed the diamond upon it. “Oh wow,” was all he could muster as his face flushed red with embarrassment. She finally began to speak. She told him that he had nearly broken her. How, at first, she yearned to have him back even though he had shattered her heart. She saw the element of hope that there might be a chance sweep back over his face. “I gave you years of my life and all the love in my heart, even after you left me it was yours for so long. But you will never have another day of me. I will never cry for you again. You don’t love me. You love the memory of me loving you and giving up all that I had to make you happy. You want someone to sacrifice for you again and let you control them. That person will never be me. Getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Realizing that you meant everything to me, and I meant nothing to you. I’m finally happy. If you really care about me, then you will be happy for me and leave me alone forever, the way I have done for you.”

She stood from the table and leaned over to him, setting a soft kiss on his cheek. She whispered “goodbye” and walked out of the door, and his life, forever. As he watched her go, he knew that he didn’t deserve her. But she was wrong about one thing…he did truly care for her and because of that, he was happy for her and he knew that she would always be the one that got away.

Friday, September 25, 2009


Tonight I’ll make him remember
The woman he fell for so long ago
No work or phone or children
Tonight we’ll take everything slow
I cooked up his favorite meal
And put on my little black dress
The champagne is chilling on ice
I kicked out the worry and stress
Tonight we won’t talk about housework,
His mother, the dog or the bills
Tonight we’ll relax on the deck
And do whatever comes to mind that we feel.
Tonight there’s no time table for us
We do not have anywhere to be
Tonight is the night that I’m making
Time just for my man and me.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

You Stupid Boy

I know she said
she’d love you forever
and she meant it when she said those words
but she never realized
what you would steal
and how you’d take advantage of her
How silly of you
to think that she’d stay
after all of the lies that you spoke
how stupid she felt
the day she found out
all that you shared was a joke
You never loved her
the way that you claimed
you used her to satisfy your needs
not once did you think
about what she deserved
or the way that you made her heart bleed
Promises broken
are all that she has
when she recalls the years spent with you
you stupid boy
what did you think
that a woman like that would go do?
Yes, she found another
to love her completely
the way that you swore that you would
she’s so much happier
with him by her side
cuz he loves her much more than you could.
So please just quit calling
don’t try to break in
her heart is no longer a toy in your chest
she’s finally over you
in love with another
and her past with you is at rest.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Love Letters

It’s not nearly as romantic as it used to be; once torn and tattered love letters lived tormented in a shoe box in the back corner of a forgotten closet. Now, love letters are a rare treasure. Instead it’s emails, text messages, Facebook conversations and breaking up over Twitter. These don’t last like letters. You get a virus or a new phone or someone hacks your account and all those personal and dear conversations and exchanges are simply gone. You can’t hold those in your arms in a dimly lit room, curled in a ball, as tears drop down your cheeks and make a small spattering sound upon the parchment. They don’t grow yellow and crack with age to prove to you where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. You can’t stare at the handwriting of your love and memorize every loop and slant and the way the i’s were dotted in that special way, only for you. You can’t smell the perfume that was delicately sprayed on the paper, just before it was placed in the envelope and sealed. It’s colder now. Just a click of a button and it’s all gone. Delete is so easy when there are no actual letters.

The Ring

He asked what kind of ring I wanted. He said he wanted me to have the best and something that I would always love and be proud of. I knew that I could ask for anything and he would find a way to give it to me. I think the old me would’ve jumped all over that 3 carat platinum ring that was shiny and nearly offensive, but I didn’t need that from him.

I thought about the kind of man he was and how he always found a way to make me feel special and safe. How he was strong and solid and logical and beautiful. I knew I would always love and be proud of him. Spending time with him made me sparkle like the most brilliant diamond one could find. I didn’t need anything more than that. It wasn’t about the ring I wore. He had already given me a ring of happiness and love around my heart. I could feel it every minute of every day and I knew it would never get lost or stolen or tarnished. To me, that was the most priceless gift he could ever bestow upon me and all that I would ever need.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Missing You

They tell me you’re gone
But I feel you here
Even though I watched them put you to rest
I hurt and I cry
And I feel like I’m failing
If this is God’s ultimate test
My heart is so hollow
I can’t stop the tears
Even though I know things must go on
I lay here at night
And I picture your face
And I just can’t believe you are gone
I want one more day
Am I asking too much?
To make sure you know that I care
I cannot stop thinking
If I had done this before
That you might be here and not there
I can’t turn back time
I can’t make it better
All I can do is pray that you know
So many loved you
There’s a void in our hearts
And we are missing a piece of our soul.

Friday, September 18, 2009

damn this imagination

I’m in the elevator today and it stops on another floor. This massive man in one of those electric wheelchairs comes barreling in. He’s one of those people that your eyes need .2 seconds to sweep over and you can tell he is surly and mean. He has a permanent scowl etched across his cracked and chapped lips. Before his big wheelie is even all the way through the elevator doors he turns and starts punching the “close door” buttons…even though there is a man behind him trying to get on. The doors begin to close on the guy. I push the “open door” button so as not to watch this man get pancake’d. He gives me a thankful smile. The grumpy ass man in the wheelie actually growls at me. I back into my corner and decide to mind my own business for the next 14 floors.

The 2nd guy onto the elevator that I saved from the doors also backs a little bit into my corner. I admit, the dude and his wheelie took up a lot of room and he parked in the middle of the elevator but I still felt guy #2 was a little up in my business. I can’t go anywhere though so I just stand there and suck it up. I notice the tool belt around his waist. His fingers are tinkering with an object. He pulls it out and it’s this huge silver scissors. It’s so shiny! I imagine it came from a doctor’s office and has been used to take out stitches on very important people. He begins to twirl it around his index finger like an ol’ west gunslinger and his Colt 45. I follow his eyes as they burn through the grumpy man in the wheelie who is breathing heavy and clearly agitated that this elevator moves at the speed of an Amish buggy in a muddy field.

Before I can stop my mind from running wild I imagine tool man stepping forward and slamming the scissors into wheelie’s jugular. I think of how the blood would splatter all over the mirrored walls and leave a red trail of death as it dripped. I could almost hear wheelie man growling and gurgling for breath. And then tool man turns on me, scissors back into position and spinning on his finger again. He wipes the blood from his brow and it smears into his gray hair. I have nowhere to run. I scream but no one can hear me. As he raises the scissors above his head I can see the reflection of my eyes in them. I can see my death coming towards me…

Then the elevator dings, the doors open to our desired floor and I’m back to reality. Wheelie man scoots out grumbling about something and nearly takes out a few elementary age kids that are walking through the lobby. I head towards the alley to have my cigarette and I’m glad that tool man went the opposite direction.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

2 years 2 late

I cried when you called today
not because of what you said
but because there was nothing left to say.

Sometimes saying goodbye to the past is so hard, even when you know there is no future.

It's hurts to leave because I love you
but I had to walk because I love myself
and you can't love me like you should.

Go home to your wife tonight and try to make her feel half as special as you made me feel when we were together. You might be surprised at what happens.

A Snippet of the New Book

I fastened the veil with one more bobby-pin, took a deep breath and turned to face the mirror. The sight nearly took my breath away. My shaking hand reached for the flute of bubbling champagne on the counter. I swallowed the sweet nectar with a hint of peach as fast as my throat would allow it to go down. My hair and makeup looked like something out of a bridal magazine. The dress that I had dreamt of all my life hugged my body in all the right places. The diamond on my left hand gleamed and glistened in the soft glow of the bathroom lights. Etta James “All I Could Do Was Cry” blared from the adjoining room. I choked back tears and reached to refill my champagne. As the bottle slipped out of my hand and cascaded across the floor, a small scream of frustration emerged from my tightening throat. It was followed by another scream and a barrage of sobs as I sunk to the floor.

My name is Amelia Juhl. Today wasn’t supposed to go like this. This was supposed to be the most magical day of my life. In 20 minutes I should’ve been entering a church full of family and friends and prancing up the aisle towards the love of my life. Well, the man I had thought was the love of my life anyway. Now, to my detriment, he had become the love of someone else’s life. I was told this morning they had their baby…the baby conceived while he was still claiming he loved me, born on the morning we were supposed to get married. Sometime’s life is a totally ironic bitch, like that.

So what am I doing in my wedding dress crying on the bathroom floor? I’m not really sure, to be honest with you. All I know is that it’s a gorgeous gown and I wanted to wear it. It called out to me this morning. It begged to be taken from the closet and nestled against my satiny skin. It was odd to me how it felt warm and cold at the same time. The last few months that’s how my heart felt as well. I liken it to a small campfire in the middle of the frozen tundra. There’s still something alive in there, yearning to burn and grow, but the surrounding elements will not allow it. My mind begins to wander back to him and for a brief moment I wish he was here, that this was our day. That we could erase the betrayal and heartache that he caused. I wished I could stop loving him. And I wonder how I could possibly still love a man that would do that to me? I don’t know the answer. All I know is that I did.

I start to stand up so I can go get some more champagne. As I do, the bathroom door flies open and smacks me in the head. I’m sent sprawling backwards as my two best friends, Emma and Paige, bust into the bathroom. “Amelia!! What the hell are you doing in here?” Emma wails. It takes a moment for them to register the fact that I am in my full wedding get-up, slightly drunk, possibly unconscious and now lying in broken glass and a puddle of champagne. I moan from the floor and they rush to my side to lift me up.

I love...

I love…the way you look at me, as we lay in bed, like there is no place in the world you would rather be. The way your arms feel, tight around me, like you will never let anything bad happen to me. How you softly kiss my cheek and tell me that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met and you don’t care who sees or who is listening. How you make me laugh even when I’m having the worst of days. How you smile and share my joy when I’m having the best of days. The way you have become a part of my family and friends and love and protect them as if they were yours from the start.

I love…the feeling of your support and how you want my dreams just as bad as I do. That you don’t realize that you are the dream I've been holding out for. With every moment we spend together my heart becomes a part of yours and yours a part of mine. It took me a long time to think that I deserved someone like you. It took me a long time to trust my heart again. I will be forever grateful that you thought me worth the wait.

I love…you.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Picking Up The Pieces

I picked up shattered pieces of you today
They were messy and strewn all around
I don’t know why I had kept them so long
When all they do is bring me down
I swept up the memories and love that we had
Dusted up promises broken on the floor
I bagged it all up with some pictures of you
And I threw it all out the back door
I put up new pictures and a fresh coat of paint
Opened the windows so the breeze could blow through
There was a freshness in my heart when I finished
Picking up the pieces of you

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Will Call Her "Joy"

She rode through the alley on her vintage periwinkle Schwinn without a care in the world. She didn’t zig-zag around the puddles; she giggled as they splashed onto her bare feet. Her white cotton sundress swished around her ankles, which were draped in a snakelike wrap of beads. A small dog sat in the basket on her handlebars. It had a pink bow on its head that matched the pink flower behind its masters ear. I stood judging her while she approached. Wanting to make a crack about Toto or Kansas or Woodstock. As I watched her long chocolate locks, with just a splash of gray, flow behind her in the wind, we locked eyes. Her hazel eyes danced with delight, like a million shooting stars on a still June night. She smiled at me, genuine, pure and blissful. She wasn’t judging me or anyone else she passed. She just wanted to ride her bike and be happy. For a moment I felt envy, wishing I could be so carefree. Her smile was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile back. I wondered when was the last time I made someone smile just by strolling past them. What happened to the silly girl I used to be? Once, I wanted to entertain everyone I met. Lately, it seems I demanded that the world go out of its way to entertain me. After seeing “Joy” on her bike I think it’s time I start entertaining myself again. Simple joys reap grand rewards.

My Poison

I wish there was a pill to rid me of you. I would swallow the bottle and it would erase you from my mind, my heart and my soul. It would be as if I never loved you. I would never feel the pain of you again. I wouldn’t remember your laughter or your smile. No more recalling the things you said that made my heart flutter. My skin would forget the feeling of you against it. It may be a bit hollow but most days I think it would be better.

I don’t know what to do when you call my phone. It’s a civil war between my heart and my head. I want so badly to hear your voice. But I know that it will melt my defenses like a sno-cone in Fiji. I can’t be a part of you any longer. I have to move on. I have to forget you…for now. For as long as I know you are still out there, I hold out for hope. I pray for a miracle that our love can be salvaged.

You cannot be the man I need. I tell you this, hoping that you will understand and let me go, but instead you fill my head with lies and promises. All we have left is lies and promises and I can’t swallow them any longer. You are a poison to my heart and I will search and fight until I find the magic potion that cures me of you.

Captain K

It’s hard without you here. It’s hard to watch their tears. I’m wishing there was some way I could bring you back and make us whole again.

Everyone says the pain will subside but I know it will never leave. We are left with a hole in our hearts, a gapping canyon where your laughter and love should be.

It’s been nearly a month and I still cry every day. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I can’t make it better for all who mourn you. I cry because you didn’t stay. I cry because you can’t come back. I cry because we couldn’t save you.

I hurt because you have no idea how much we miss you. How you changed everyone’s lives with your smile. How drinking a glass of milk tastes better now. How she can’t sleep at night without thinking of you. How my nephew will never have the honor of holding your hand or wrestling on the floor with you. How Hawk games and wrestling and the 4th of July will never be the same. How October will feel a little colder this year.

I try harder now. To make every day the best it can be. To remember life is short. To tell the people I love how much they mean to me more often. To be more patient and understanding. To put things in perspective and not let the little stuff grow into more than it is. To make you proud. To make sure that whenever my time comes, I too can leave a legacy of love and laughter.