Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I quiver under a tree
To hide from the scorching
There is no comfort in the shade
The hot wind of your breath melts me
Until I sweat from my eyes
I refuse to call it tears
You broke my world in two
I want only to superglue this canyon
So I can tumble home
And lie alone
In solitude and cold
But you refuse to release me.

I fold

On my knees
And out of luck
I fold
Into a memory of myself
You rip away all I have
And trump my heart
Just to say you won
I wanted to hold you
For eternity
You played
Like you wanted the same
But it was just a game
I couldn’t win

Winter soldiers

I buckle under an icy grip
As the city clears
Pins in my chest
With each breath
Blood flow slows
To my frostbit heart
I watch the winter soldiers
March down the streets
I want to retreat
But I’m frozen in fear
If I surrender to this war
And try not to blink
Could I pass for a statue
Safe from their terror
Until the spring?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It should be me

It should be me
Not you
It wasn’t your turn
I was next in line
To battle our curse
I’m the big sister
And I cannot protect you
From this monster
That invades our lives
Whenever it pleases
You, with everything
set neatly in your palm
Me, with all I have
a hurricane around my heart
another wind wouldn’t phase me
I would take it on
to keep your peace
It should be me

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I tried desperately to move
As my knees began to melt
Tunnel vision down the aisle
Where you waited
One foot in front of the other
But I couldn’t complete the walk
On my own strength
The tears from my eyes
Were too heavy for me to budge
I watched my mother
Battling the same
As father took her weeping body
And held her steady
Carrying her down to the pew
Where we would say goodbye to you.


Crushing me
Like an avalanche
Black dresses
Whipping in deadly wind
On frozen ground
As mascara smears
Down my cheeks
Freezing there
And in time
Like my memory
Of you
And the laughter
That is gone.

Frozen heart

A frozen heart
Hangs in my chest
Dragging me down
Delaying my rest
I want only to close my eyes
And feel it beat again
In tune with yours
But instead I feel broken
like I’m never gonna heal
and each passing second
changes how I feel
towards you
and us
and this broken trust
and a frozen heart
that forgot how to beat
it just drags me down deep
into a pit of lies
I can’t seem
to escape.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

He said he’s a fucking asshole when he’s mad and I had to agree but I gave him kudos for being so brilliantly perfect at it.

Stacking boxes

Stacking boxes
Like a fort
To protect my heart again
If I pack up and go
There’s a chance this will feel
Like something I chose
Instead of my worst nightmare
Stacking boxes
High enough
To hide my tears
And barricade the sobs
That rise in my scratchy dry throat
Oh how I want to scream
That this isn’t the end
And everything will be ok
Somehow, someday
And we can start stacking boxes
With memories and love
Instead of pain.


Wedding picture thrown
From mantle to floor
The cold frost swirls through the house
But a fire between us rages
Broken glass scurries across hardwood
Only to settle scattered
Like my heart and trust
How can we continue
If I cannot believe
That I am enough
To make you happy?

Friday, December 10, 2010


I lay upon the stairs
That led to our room
Unable to take the final steps
The carpet scratches my cheek
Like your afternoon stubble
I never want to move
Up means facing our reality
And the empty bed
We once shared
Down would match my heart
And the way it spiraled
Through my chest
Seeing you with her
Tears burn
As the pages turn
On a story that you rewrote
Without my permission
Unlike anything we had planned
Ripping out pages of my dreams
I watch them float away as ash
From the rage that burns within me
You have ruined the fairytale of us


I reach for salvation
They tell me there is none
I beg for an ally
But the wars already won
Someone stop my misery
I cannot stand to wake
If I try to stand up now
I know this shell of me will break
I fight to keep your memory
But you’ve already left
I cannot filter reality
Or accept your death


My heart crashing
like surrounding waves
All I can do is float
My mind murky
Like the water that holds me
Salt stinging the wounds
That you left
Unsure that I will
Ever find land
Or sanity again
Yet I love you

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Is finding there is a very thin line between out of my mind and ahead of my time.

Happy to discover that a long line of failures has made me into someone quite exceptional.


Your hot tears and endless breath
Counter the cold tiles against my face
I wish you’d leave me in this place
Broken in pieces but in peace
You have never understood
I do not wish to be saved
And the attempts that you have made
Rush to darken what is left inside my soul

The challenge, she said, isn’t to figure out how to win the game but to find out who else is playing along.

Believes each day is a new opportunity to shine some of her spectacular all over the world.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I inquired about the empty jar tucked between leather bound chronicles on the shelf in her bedroom that was labeled “love”. I told her it seemed sad. She explained to me that when she gives her love away she gives it with a penny. If it’s returned then the love is lost and she much prefers a heart full of love to a jar full of pennies.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sepia smile

She dangles her legs over his lap
Running her plum colored nails
Lightly up and down the nape of his neck
While her other hand is enmeshed with his
They have nowhere else to be
But a park bench, surrounded by fallen leaves
Burning bright against the dying grass
The sound of the river against the rocks
Is not enough to drown out their laughter
Or the love between them
Her heart beams through her eyes
And her sepia smile
Caught forever behind glass
And placed upon the mantle
Full of moments that made her complete.


I haven’t climbed a tree since you
But today I find myself
Skinning my knees
To perch on a branch and search for you
The laughter we shared
My first kiss
In pig tails and June sun scorching
Our freckled faces
As we hid in the leaves
And planned a life together
So much has changed since we were teens.
20 years and I don’t even know the girl I once was
For once you were gone
A part of me disappeared too
And no matter how hard I search
She is not to be found
Nor is the boy that made my heart flutter
So I sit in a bare gray tree
With a November wind
Whipping through my jacket
Bitter and cold
Like a life without your smile.


A storm brews
Clouds break
We hunker down
And prepare to take
Howling winds
Gusts of snow
Temperatures of
30 below
We fight to protect
The family we’ve made
And hope the blizzard of her
Doesn’t cause us to lose our way.
I thought this time I had found my prince charming but it appears they all come with a hammer to destroy that glass slipper.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I hear the gravel spit & clink against the rust.
Your departure postponed longer than usual but still eminent.
Each sweet caress of your hand against my skin is
Only a mirrored motion of the waving of your goodbye
Which will always come, shortly after you catch your breath
And my heart again.
I don’t weep anymore, calling your name, choking
On the cloud of dust you leave behind.
I lay silent and wait for your headlights and love to return.


Eyes rage
Fires flare
Tempers rise
In the blink of an eye
Or just one word
I speak
And you ignite
And I cannot
Squelch or calm
The inferno
Until it burns itself out
Or you blow your icy silence
Upon it
I wish I could mute
The fight in your soul
The questions in my mind
And the pride in our hearts.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

She said she keeps these facts on file, in case it tries to resurface and she needs a quick reference guide. I thought it was a pretty brilliant way to keep track of lost love and broken hearts, so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.


I remember counting freckles
Starting on the nose
And how they would start to form
After the summer sun
Had melted them together
Into sporadic designs
Framing your icy blue eyes
You would wiggle your nose
So that I would lose count
And have to start all over again
But I never cared
Counting freckles was only
A great excuse
For me to lay in your arms
Gaze at your face
And bask in your love.


There’s a frame to this house
And six empty rooms
Reminding me that
Floors and walls
Do not make a home
No pictures or beds
Giggles or breaths
Silence echoing
Through the corridor
Lonely and sad
Framed but not filled
Like my days since you left

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I sink

I sink
Into dissipating clouds
Full of daily worries
Afraid it may give way
And I shall fall from the sky
And become a puddle of
A woman that once was
Shattered, splattered and gone
But always, before I crash
You save me
With a steady hand
a soft kiss on my brow
Lifting me up
Holding me tight
Each night while I sleep
Next to your love


You consume me
My melting mind
Throbbing heart
Burning eyes
Nothing I’ve found
Fulfills me like you
Greedy, I want to
Feed you straight
Into my blood stream
Like a fiend begging for more
I cannot get enough
Of your love
Your touch
This feeling
That overwhelms
My senses
Or lack there of
This desire
Gives me life

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

she dances

She dances in her skivies around the kitchen
Pall mall dangling from her wrinkled lips
Some mornings she wakes up lost
And other mornings she doesn’t care who she is
Or if her husband’s imaginary lover is on the couch
Or if the doll in her hands that she loves with her whole heart
Will never blink and hug her back
Sometimes when the memory goes
It takes the pain with it
And she’s free to dance the day away

In one desperate moment I heard her curse to the heavens as tears burned down her cheeks and it was amazing to see that even angels can lose their tempers some times.

I envy the willow for it’s free to weep so that it lives up to it’s name and nobody thinks less of it.

You crush and roll me like an ocean wave until I’m gasping for my last breath, then toss me to the shore, beaten, revived and somehow wanting more.


Course words between my fingers
Paper cuts bleed like my heart
Never able to speak the words
As swiftly as they flow from my pen
Holding onto letters
I will never be strong enough to send

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Well before the priest asked me if I do, I knew I already did.
And this is the way I’ve always dreamt being loved completely would be.


Whispers tickle my ear
Of what a perfect day we have
Love is in the air
They say it surrounds us
As I stare out my veil
All I feel is you
Like a cool breeze
as the sun beats
Against my skin
A hand in mine
Strong and steady
Holding me at the front of a church
Leading me into our forever
Tears sting my eyes
As I look into yours and see
Our eternal love & happiness

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

***He took my hand and asked if I was ready and we jumped together into this wonderful life unexpected.
***He said bubbles were his favorite thing to chase because anything he had to pursue for more than 15 seconds seemed like a big waste of time. We are hoping he grows out of this before he starts dating.


There’s a hunger for joy in the pit
Of the black spots within her
Deep behind, tucked in caverns
And buried under the rubble
Of a woman that tries to hard
To make sure everyone is happy
That she lost herself
***When the house feels cold I just open bedroom doors and let the children’s laughter warm it through.


He watches
Like a spider in the dark crevice
Of an abandoned room
Leaving footprints in the dust
As he scurries towards
The ray of light that sneaks
through a broken pane
Like the love she gave
That he once basked in
Wishing he could recapture her
In his web… if only for a moment
So that he could feel alive once more.


She stands
In her princess garb
As the aisle stretches before her
With each moment it seems
To grow longer and further
She waits impatiently for her musical cue
So that she can sprint forward
Into his arms
And start their magical forever
***She refused to wear white because she didn’t want to blend but we all knew there was little to no chance of that ever happening.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


The stronger I get
The weaker I grow
As our love hangs
On a delicate thread
Wavering in the wind
Afraid I cannot speak
What it is I feel
So instead I run
To escape the hurt
If I stop I may realize
I’m coming in second place
But if I run forever
The race never ends
And it’s the only way
I know to gaurantee
I do not lose.


A storm rumbles in the distance
I know it’s heading straight for us
Swallowing us up into it’s darkness
Torrential winds scatter my thoughts
And send them flying through the air
I race to recapture and organize but it’s futile
Lightning streaks through the black nite
And vaporizes my heart as it strikes repeatedly
The thunder is the worst of all
Pounding through my brain
Overrunning it with doubts and worry
Where once I had none
It beats through my ears like lies
And promises broken
I cannot silence the echo
Or escape the storm
That is upon us.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


She said here’s to knowing
My heart is forever his
And I don’t deserve another chance
As she wobbled from her chair
And started her rhythm-less dance
Thinking if she swayed hard enough
The memories might ease
She could find a moment free of the pain
Side step the time bombs at her feet
On the ground where their love was slain
But the harder she tries to forget
More exhausted she becomes
Although she cannot close her eyes
Dancing by herself can never silence
The sound of his last goodbye
I whisper through the window pane
Watch the glass splinter like my heart
Knowing you will never hear my tears
Through the soundproof case
I have placed my soul within

Monday, August 16, 2010


I used to think of you like a super hero
Dark shadow towering over
Calloused hands never still
I think of them offering peanuts
To excited children
Watching you ride
Across the field
Sunrise to sunset
Only on Sundays
Would you rest
During church
And for lunch after
When we would all eat together
You’ve softened over the years
Taken the time to sit and visit
Pass out hugs and love
Enjoy a few more moments before
Rushing off to get something done
Yet you remain a rock and patriarch
Guiding by example
Making us feel safe
Knowing we can always come
Home to that smile
Twinkling eyes
The cap that always sits
Delightfully on top of your head
And the cowboy boots on your feet.
Every bump that came your way
You defeated
Batted away like a gnat in the tractor cab
That buzzed around your head in an annoying fashion
You didn’t have time to be brought down
By cancer or a bad heart or swelling on the brain
You had too much stuff to do
And now we watch
As years of fighting start to take a greater toll on you
And we wonder, who will save you now?
Who will help you through?
It’s something all of us must do.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I whisper my wishes
And blow soft kisses
To you late at night
So as not to interupt
Your slumber…
I want to make sure
You never forget
I love you.

I see you on butterfly wings
Gliding past my nose
Fluttering around my mind
And reminding me that you are
Watching over us always.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Somedays I wish my life was like a word document where I could just cut and paste different events and people.


A thin line
Worn string
Strand by strand
Sinking further
Victim of gravity
Your puppet
No longer
I plot my escape
One more string
to release
and I will be free


Her finger traces the curve of the vase
A smooth glass neck
That once housed hope
When he would return
Daisies and stems
Promises and apologies
Love and darkness
Beauty and blood
Today he did not return
With flowers
To mend her anger and hurt
Today the vase of apologies
Became a weapon
Hurled across the room
Shattered into pieces
That can never be repaired
Just like their life.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


There are no words for me today
No comforting things that I can say
My heart is wounded, it bleeds and cries
The pain flows out my bloodshot eyes
I want to rewind to the year before
Take the time to show you more
Before we were hostage to this hurt
If you only knew how much we miss you, Kirk.
She told them it was a smash and grab job and that she could identify the thief in a line-up. They informed her they could not make an arrest in a robbery when the stolen property was her heart.

She asked how we will all get through it. And I told her, the best we can. Lean on those we need and be strong for those that need us. In a situation like this, that’s all we can do.


I lay still
Eyes closed
Darkness swallowing me
Into a sleepy abyss
Where my white knuckles
Murmuring heart
And thundering mind
Can relax for a moment
Tears streak
Down my cheek
The only thing to remind me
This pain is real
And that I cannot wake up
This isn’t a nightmare
This is now my reality
The hungry darkness
Is my new love
Since you’ve gone away


I stumble
Across cracks in the road
Bumbling, barreling, bobbing
My way forward
At moments I feel blind
I want to scream for help
Collapse and quit
Just take a moment
To catch my breath
Wishing for days of
When a cry to my parents
Would make it all okay
There is no one to swoop in
And save me now
I have to find my own strength
My own will
My own way
On my road
Despite the cracks in the path
Before me.


I do not have time for games of love these days as there is no referee and you are not playing fair.


I remember the joy of being rocked to sleep by my mother as a child but now, the sound of his breathing next to me has become my favorite lullaby.
Some thought her foolish when she said this was just one of those things where you jump in and see what happens or spend the rest of your life wondering what if. While others mocked her, I thought her brave for being able to jump for you can never really lose as long as you try.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I hate the way that mother scolds
With her eyes, her tone,
The way she turns her head
A disappointed heat
Radiating from her pores
Burning me in shame
Making me feel so small
So inadequate
Because I could never be her
And never be good enough
To make her beam with pride
And glow with love
And hug me tightly
I wilt in her shadow
Wishing I could be more like her
Swallowing the reality
She cannot see
I can only be me.


A heart so tired
It’s beating is faint
More pitter patter
Than thumping
She wonders if
She held her shallow breath
Would it stop beating
All together?
Eyes so dry
She can barely see
So many tears she cried
Losing him
Leaving a trail of sandpaper
Within her lids
If she closes them
She flinches with pain
Of him in her dreams
But open
She’s a zombie
Walking through her day
Wishing she could
jump start her heart
clear out her memory files
move on without him
breathe deeply
and live again.


She surges forward
With all her might
But this shackle she wears
Is just to tight
It’s dragging her down
Pulling her in
Beckoning her
To return again
To a place so dark
Her heart can’t beat
She’s frozen in silence
With cement feet
Fear in her eyes
And sweat on her brow
She knows she can never
Return there now
So she trudges on
Ignoring the pain
She can’t stop moving
If she wants to break this chain


She juggles
It’s her specialty
Balancing balls of happiness in the air
Fearing she can never slip up
For she cannot handle breaking
Anyone’s smile
She doesn’t know how to say no
If someone needs her help
She give so much some days
She finds her self empty at night
When it’s her time to escape
Into dream filled moments
With no expectations
No responsibilities
No pressure
Just calm

Friday, July 9, 2010

Dark brown gown

Porcelain skin shines
Against a deep brown gown
Satin on her skin
That she’s never felt before.
It makes her feel alive
And like a lady
A feeling that is foreign to her
After a lifetime in baggy tees
And blue jeans
Hiding the curves of her womanhood
And trying to blend in
The best she could.
Today she cannot hide.
Everyone in the room
Takes a glance of admiration
Towards the beautiful woman
With the twinkling eyes
In the dark brown gown
That blankets the area
In love and joy
With one simple smile.
They all notice her simply because
She has finally found herself.


She’s not sure
Who she will be
When she reaches that point
All things that have always defined her
Melted away to a memory
Along with weakness and fear
She wonders if she’ll still be noticed
Or become another face in the crowd
How will she make an impression?
It’s funny how she was easy to remember
When her outside didn’t match
The beauty of her in.


He apologizes for being grumpy
As if he had glared at a stranger in a crowd
Or dropped food on the carpet
Not the way he should for belittling her,
Their love
And the years she had spent by his side.
Through tears and triumphs
Never wavering
A rock for him to cling to
In any situation.
And now, she begins to crumble,
But he cannot see
It is he that chisels away at her worth
It is he that can bring her smile back
It is his cold shoulder that causes her to crack.

That Lady

Some days I wonder who she is
She doesn’t look the same
She walks taller, prouder
There’s a glow to her now
Love has captured her heart
Pride lives within her
Strength radiates from her
She has learned how to captivate a room
She gives her smile eagerly as a gift to the world
She lives life for others instead of just herself
She wants nothing but happiness for those she loves
And will stop at nothing to ensure that
It didn’t happen overnight
Metamorphsis like this takes time and tenderness
But I don’t divert my eyes anymore
When she looks back at me…
That lady in the mirror.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Like a fossil
Tracks of where I’ve been
The story of how long it took
To create and destroy
You will never know
How hard it was
To seal it up
And protect it from the elements
Of love for eternity
After you


He still can’t say your name
Without a quiver in his voice
As he wrestles with reality
Years spent like brothers
But never forgotten
Even the days he tries to block them out
He sits on a chair trying to cheer
In the place you two found joy
All he finds now is tears
And an empty seat beside him
Where you should be still
The room reaches 1000 decibels
And no matter how loud
The crowd becomes
A dark silence still beats through his ears
And stalls his breath
For it will never be the same
Without you

In the room

I feel you in the room
Cloaked in all your pain and gloom
Trying to shout but your voice is mute and buried
Every day I see your face
Although you left us in this place
And we wrestle with regret and doubts and worry
Thinking we should’ve tried
To stall your last goodbye
No one knew how to shield you from yourself
I sit upon your grave
Miss the memories we made
And stare at your picture on my shelf
I wonder how it got so bad
You couldn’t see the love you had
Surrounding you in every single way
There’s a hole we’ll never heal
Some days it’s hard to feel
And I can’t believe it’s been a year today

Just my tears

I breathe rapid and shallow
As I watch you
Through rain drop streaked glass
Or is that just my tears?
Hard to tell on a dark day like this
Words fall in whispers
Cascading off my lips
They will never reach your ears
Or is that just my tears?
My heart thumps in a hollow cavity
Isolated from any part of me that isn’t numb
Pieces of me splatter on the ground
Or is that just my tears?
I cling to the steering wheel
Like the illusion of us being happy
And dreams evaporate around me
Or is that just my tears?
I remember the day
I told you your love was ruining me
And you had to let me go
We cried as our hearts broke
Or was that just my tears, my love?
My heart torn apart?
You smile like we never were
And watching you
all I have left are just my tears.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Flags blow
In a breeze wet with tears
A fallen soldier
Returning to his home
Son, brother, friend
Too young, they whisper
As they stand in his honor
Along the streets
Saluting the freedom and the fight
That he stood for
As the motorcade passes by
A life lost on sands
A war a world away
But Iowa soil
Will bury him today

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


You swoop down on me
Like a sandstorm
Full of regret and apologies
Your words sting and tear
As they pelt against my flesh
Your promise to never stop loving me
Echos like thunder across the blurred orange horizon
The tears in your eyes
Flashing like lightning as they begin to fall
I know not how to escape your pain
As it threatens to swallow me
I close my eyes and my heart
I tell myself to keep breathing
And this storm will pass
That you will pass
And we can move on
Away from each other
Like we know is best.


She bides her time
On a secluded island
Avoiding nightmare filled sleep
Anything to keep her eyes from closing
And bringing you to mind
Food is not a necessity
Her body is not hungry for nutrients
It longs only for your touch once again
Your smile cupped in her bleeding hands
Your words a warm whisper in her ear
She floated here
On a wave of whiskey
So that she could not feel the pain
And the thud when she made land
She waits here, restless
As the tide rises
Slowly drowning the sand
The harder she clings to it
The faster it races through
The cracks of her fingers
She feels it slipping away
Like you and the love you once shared.


I roll out of darkness
Bumping into corners and caverns
Searching for the light
Which was always you
Nothing to illuminate my path
Through these days
I must face without your touch.
I roll through the daily routine
Part zombie, part robot
No heart beating inside my chest
To indicate that I am alive
Just motions, a life on repeat
I wish that I could rewind
To the day I lost you
So that I could stop fate
And hold you near.
I roll down this embankment
At incredible speed
Smashing through brush and debris
I can see the end before me
A morbid crash scene waiting
At the bottom of this mountain of life
That I roll down without you
Chasing a memory
Of a love that will never be caught.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

***Catch and Release. It's a fundamental element of the game I've played a million times since I was a child. So why, in adulthood, do i find it so hard to remember the release part and let you go?***


As if I need a reminder
That you still exist
If only out of sight
Really was the equivalent
Of out of mind
And out of heart
Your name hijacks my calendar
And electronic reminders clog my email
In case I could’ve forgotten
Today is your birthday.
Remember last year?
When you said we’d meet
After you saw your friends
And you again let me down
And were nowhere to be found?
You were never found.
Never around.
Never loved me enough
Until I told you to disappear for good.


You make it sound so innocent
Like a game I could play with
My 3 year old nephew
On a warm summer day
As the sun gleams in our eyes
And we share giggles
While prancing in the grass
And catching giant sharks
On our makeshift tree limb fishing poles
But I know better
Nothing is easy
He may not know that yet
But I have learned over the years
That living life to it’s fullest
Is the hardest thing I’ll ever do
So easy to get caught up in the
Mundane cycle of every day
Missing the joys that tickle
Our noses and then float
Away on the breeze
Wishing with each tomorrow
That we could recapture
And stay a little longer in
The moment that made
Our hearts warm
And beat true.

Walking in circles

Walking in circles
Stuck on this path
Thinking if I could just
Make my feet move swiftly
I could find the courage
To veer straight at
The next bend.
I have memorized
The scenery
Every crack in this sidewalk
Each tree along
The waters edge
Every spider web
Etched over the colored lights
Along a bridge
That saves me from drowning
Within myself.

Monday, May 10, 2010

***some days i feel like the lone luggage on the baggage carousal that no one has come to claim.***

Sunday, May 9, 2010

mothers day

it's not the same today
years spent together
there's a void in our hearts
no more giggles in the basement
bouncing off the muraled walls
i always thought that scene was so funny
i would give anything to be eating
oatmeal cake at the long table
drinking kool-aid out of the orange thermos
and being together again
whispering stories
and watching those around us
wonder what we were up to
playing softball in the yard
grandpa running bases in his cowboy boots
rocking on the front porch
sitting on the back deck
watching aunts and cousins and uncles mingle
pictures by the grove
the shiny globe in the middle of the flowers
reflecting love and family
unless of course
some child nails it with a baseball bat
memories i will always cherish
of the once glorious holiday we
all spent together every year
it could never be same
without his smile there
to welcome us at the door
i cried today because
my heart aches
for i miss him
and our day
and the way
they brought us all together
every mothers day.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

***My love for you is like a revolving door. I can see clearly through to the other side but sometimes I get stuck going round and round and lose myself in dizziness inside.***


The words that fly off my tongue
Seem not to do you justice
Jackass really can’t encompass
The ire that rages through my
Expanding veins
My face flush with heat
It feels like I could cook
Breakfast on my skin
I want to lash you
Verbally, mentally, physically
But my attempts
To make you understand
Bounce back like shotgun pellets
Striking me in the face
And deepening my wounds
I can’t believe I fell in love
With such a fucknut
Or worse,
That I continue to let you hurt me.
***Since the day I met you, limbo is no longer just a game you play at parties.***


You make me feel like a degenerate
My mind flusterpated while I try
To combat your diabolical plan
To torment and diminish me
Some days I feel like I’m drowning
Chained by the ankles
In a vat of tapioca pudding
Thick and bubbly
This is not what I wanted
I did not read the fine print
When I signed up for life with you
I dare not try to scream for help
For each time I open my mouth
I find myself choking on your lies
And excuses
Thick like the goo that binds me here

***Some days it feels like Cupid has a really sick sense of humor and I think we should be able to shoot him in return.***


You visit me
In midnight dreams
Smiles on photo finished paper
And a program to celebrate your life
That hangs on my mirror
Every day reminding me that you are gone
Like a light breeze blowing across my heart
Sadness in it’s molecules that no one can see
But oh how we all feel what is missing
Like the san andreas fault
Rocking and shaking our worlds
Tremors of loss
Damage that cannot be insured
We are stuck
Like the plates of the earth
Grinding against each other
Searching for answers
We will never find
And trying not to ruin
What is left of us.

Monday, April 26, 2010


Her tears fall
Like april showers
Flooding the muddy river
That runs through the center
Of this town
Some days she wishes
The shaky bank on which she stands
would cave and wash her away
she closes her eyes
and imagines the murky madness
rising around her
as she rides the waves
into the darkness
where she would find solice
in your arms
together for eternity
a love that was never meant to be


I wonder, when you’re driving,
And you see a car like mine
Do you turn your head to see
If it happens to be me?
Do you wonder what I’m doing
When you pass that parking lot
Where I laid in your arms under the stars
One sticky June evening
Clinging to each other
As the end tumbled towards us?
Do you mean it when you tell me
That you’re glad I’m happy and
That I have moved on?
Does your heart remain mine
In your promise to love me forever?
Will your mind and body ever be free
Of the times we shared and the future
That we never captured?
Perhaps it’s just me that cared enough
To wonder some days how you are and
When my mind will finally erase you?


Your temper ignites
Like a wild fire in a santa ana wind
Blowing across the dry foothills of our life
Devastating all in it’s path
I do not know how to combat the flames
That char my heart when you rage
The burning in your eyes
And gasoline on your tongue
Only you can put it out
As I wait for the rain to calm you
So we can be alive again

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Flag like me

I float in the wind
Clinging to the pole
Shredded and tattered
Discolored by rain
Edges burned by hatred
Others have tried
To hide me
Silence what I stand for
Yet I fly free
And persevere
For all those who believe
In me still.


Sitting around the kitchen table
Watching my family self-destruct
Like a ticking time bomb
With no meter to warn
Of the official detonation time
The wick burns slowly
Sparks flying all around
No one knows how
To blow it out
Or disassemble
The devastation that lurks
Our heated words
Only fan the flame
And speed the process
There is no calm or cool
No plan to escape
We just sit and wait
Pointing fingers
Laying blame
To proud to say
I’m sorry.

As Is

It grows
Like a fire inside me
A war I rage
Against myself
Unsure if there will ever
Be a clear victor
Wanting it so badly
Scared it might come true
But knowing that
I don’t want to remain
As is.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Morning Coffee

she has always smelled
like blueberry crunch muffins
and stiff black coffee
her morning ritual
of many years
the few moments in a day
that she relaxed
before taking on the world
cleaning and carrying
everyone’s burden
on her fragile shoulders
but not today
today is gloomy
there is no coffee brewing
no muffins in the oven
for there no longer is her
the matriarch
that sculpted us
like a mosaic table
jagged edges brought together
and smoothed by her love
to make beauty and art
today we bury her
and pick up our own troubles
on the shoulders they should’ve
rested all this time
I pray she can finally find peace
And that we can keep it
Together without her.


She bobs
Like an ice cube
In her tequila elixir
Unsure whether to sink
To the bottom and give up
Or keep floating and hold
On for hope and a lifeline
Most days she would prefer
To just melt away
The most noticeable of the bunch
Yet she has become invisible
To those that surround her
They don’t take the time
Or give her a chance
They look right past her
Waiting for what they deem
Something better
To come along.

Blue Sky

I lie
Under a blue sky
Back damp from the morning dew
I breathe deep
until my head begins to spin
Wishing the clouds
In their white puffy glory
Might swirl through
The atmosphere
And onto my tongue
Dissolving like cotton candy
My words
Float from my throat
And dance on the wind
Being chased by the remnants
Of the dead dandelions
That cover the hill around me
I cry
Under a blue sky
When I think of the days
I came here with you.


I want to trial your love
Like carpet samples
Roll on it
Spill some wine
Feel it between my toes
And against my cheek
Put up some pictures
And maybe paint an accent wall
To make sure it fits me
Before I make such
A high risk and expensive decision
And lay you down
Inside my home and my heart


The hardest part is watching
Waiting for you to make your move
Knowing that I can’t force it
Or do it for you
Waiting for that switch to click
For your eyes to open
To the reality that surrounds you
That we all face for you daily
The elevator to success is out of order
You’ll have to use the stairs…
One step at a time
I will walk with you
Every step of the way
Feeling the burn
Sweat beads pouring
Down our hot pink cheeks
No matter how steep the hill
But I cannot carry you
Or drag you up to your victory
You have to want this for yourself.


You stare at me from glossy pages
Brothers wedding
Full of smiles
You looked so free
Of your darkness on that day
Surrounded by love and family
You were not alone
I want to recapture the joy
Bring back the moments
Dancing and drinking
Laughter and best wishes
Have you back in
Our circle of love
And never let you crawl out
Into the desolate hole
Where you sought solitude
We could be the light
That kept you awake for eternity
If we had the chance to
Do it all again

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I reach for you
But you’re not there
Just an empty space
We used to share
A bed so cold
I could never sleep
A love so true
I’ll always keep
Inside my heart
You are my soul
I’ll never understand
Why you had to go
Your glass still sits
Beside the bed
Tears gush like geysers
And the words we said
Beneath my pillow
I keep your shirt
I cling to it
To mend the hurt
And the void I feel
Without you here
I reach in vain
To keep you near.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


You said you were born to make a splash
But I never thought it would be like this
An infinite ripple in our hearts
The black bottom of the lake we can never reach
No matter how long or deep we dive
You have gone before us
Though it was not God’s plan
You took it into your own hands
And we sit, silent, staring
Out onto the water that we can never calm
The waves we can never catch
And the you we can never have back.

Friday, February 26, 2010


I was surprised one day to see a beautiful woman
Dumpster diving in high heels and a designer dress
In the alley behind my apartment
I asked what a woman of apparent high class
Was doing in a steel box full of garbage
She said that he had stolen her heart
And she searched everywhere to locate it
She was hoping that since he turned out to be trash
That maybe he had hidden it there.


The only word scribbled upon the back
Was “cupcake”
The front a picture of the Chicago skyline
On a sticky summer night
Where it felt like the stars were shining
So brightly
They made their own heat
We lay in the garden
Under a blue moon
Sipping mojitos
Beads of sweat dangling from our brows
An electricity like lightning between us
When your hand grazed my thigh
For one night I was positive that I had
Discovered paradise
And it was in your arms.


This is me
For you
Laid upon these pages
An open book
A schedule of events
Statistics, general information
And emotions
That have come to pass.
Unable to predict the future
I grasp this tablet like a saving sword
And piece together the words to convey
Who I am at this particular moment
Hoping that someday
They will all understand my plight
And the paths I chose
As I had not an atlas to guide me
On decisions of the heart
All I could do was follow the beating
That led me on a magical tour
That I would never trade
For all the worlds wealth
For it was in these mistakes, trials and
Tribulations that I came to be
And for that, I shall never apologize.


I settle in the sound
Of feet pounding on the pavement
In sync with the blood
That pounds through my head
I feel the tingling rise
Through my toes and every joint
Within this casing of my body
Until it feels like there is a fire
raging inside
I almost convince myself
If I push harder, push faster
That I will truly take flight
Like a bird that swoops overhead
In a cloudy winter sky
My chest heaves in and out
Tears sting my eyes
Then spill unto my crimson cheeks
A meeting of such opposite degrees
It causes a slight fog around me
As my body turns to jelly
I want to lay down and quit
But I know that I must keep running
If I want to find myself again.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I’m tired of the games we play
the things we say
the lies we tell
to get through the day
the excuses we make
the vows that we break
the pain we feel
the punishment we take
the words so unkind
the reasons we can’t find
that I cannot let go
of the love that binds.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I think about you differently now
nothing but a bad habit I used to overindulge in
I can’t think of you as a lost love
or a great adventure
or anything that casts you in a positive light
you were nothing positive
you were a lesson I should’ve
never had to learn
you were a drug that took years
to break free of
I was an experiment to you…
you the mad scientist
that turned me inside out
and rewired everything good and true
that once resided inside me
I became your Frankenstein
ready at your beck and call
unable to walk away from my master
or think or do for myself
until one day
he broke in and saw me captive
and fought like hell to free me
and I almost destroyed him in the process
as he tried to save me from you.
So don’t you dare ask if I miss you
or if I’m sure that he is the one.
My 12 step program from you is complete
and I will never live under that oppression again
I have found my angel and love
or rather, he found me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


it doesn’t have to be like this
a bitter war that stains the streets
we could call a truce
if you could find the truth inside you
and attempt to live in peace
if you’d let go of your jealousy
accept the fact that he’s moved on
as you said you had years ago
why now? why make everyone miserable?
just because you like the company?
how selfish can you be?
it isn’t me your hurting
although I am your primary target
my suffering is insignificant
compared to theirs
the ones you claim to care for
and protect.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


the tormented glint in his aching brown eyes
warned me that he was on the verge of disaster
he traced his calloused finger around the rim
of what he hoped was his magic potion
a glass of distilled rye
that tickled his tongue
danced in his belly
and blurred out the memory of her in his mind.


my body convulses from the cold
as I lay on a velvety blanket of snow
watching my breath crystallize
in the midnight air
I hear footsteps crunch in the distance
my unraveling is an enigma to those who once loved me
they know not how to mend my wounds
nor do i
I want to call out your name
but it is frozen in my sobbing throat
I close my eyes and picture your face
as the darkness begins to swallow me
the tree branches around me
like the fangs of a beast
bend towards me in a tormenting rhythm
at what point do I give up
and let them ravage what is left of this soul
in the hopes of finding you in heaven
and giving you back this crimson heart
that will always beat only for you?

Monday, February 8, 2010


the lies she tells
scorches their faces
with shame and disgrace
a permanent scar
that shall never heal
I know not how to save
the innocent lambs
from the womb that gave them life
that now turns a blind eye
to how she slaughters them
as they grow

Angel tears

Angel’s tears, frozen,
drifting from heaven
in the form of a snowflake,
white out the sky
and the tallest of buildings
as they dance in the wind
criss crossing a beautiful pattern
to the snowy ground below
where I stand
trying desperately to catch
the one you sent for me
I reach out my pale hand
and wait for my gift from you
when it lands
I get one moment of peace
seeing you in the intricate etchings
and then it melts away,
like you,
gone forever from my grasp.


I watch this life
and our love
being ripped to shreds
until she holds
all that we are
in the form of confetti
in the palm of her
evil fucking hand
and tries to blow
away the pieces
so that we can
never be one again
we fight with all
our power
to keep it together
and cling to
what we know is right
and good
and pray some day
we can glue this mess
she has made
back together.


I can’t comprehend
this cold pillow next to my head
all the room in this bed
the silence that surrounds me
the dark sinking feeling
that it will be so many nights
before you return to me
torn away by another’s lies
I cannot conceal these tears I cry
calling out for you
wishing you were home
unable to escape this mess
or breathe deeply without you
I gasp for shallow breaths
and count off the days
until you return to me
and I can live again.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mary Poppins

The frozen cement
pounds beneath my feet
each step I take
trying to get closer to you
a sliver of sun slips through
the skyscrapers and
falls upon my face
I look up to soak it all in
and imagine
becoming Mary Poppins,
flying with my umbrella
over the city
laughing at the dots
that are people below
as I land swiftly at home
and rush into your warm
and waiting arms.

Ice fog

I hear you faintly
calling my name
through the ice fog
that blinds the city
leaving slick streets
and no visibility
I feel blind
and cannot find you
as the fog bears down
on the words you feel
like you are shouting
but they fall deaf
and to the ground
frozen in time
never to reach me
for once the fog lifts
you will disappear with it
leaving me longing
and shivering for you again.


he told me to think carefully
and that I was required to
read the fine print below
this wasn’t a weekend getaway
I was signing up for
instead, a lifetime of togetherness
I told him that I agreed
to all conditions as long as he
would be careful with my delicate heart
as it wasn’t an organ for trial operation
and could not be sewn up neatly
if broken again
he swore to love me completely
and never allow the beating to slow
and I promised that he would be
my one and only for eternity
and with those words
the vows were already made
and the rings and ceremony
were just a formality
as we had already given
our hearts completely to the other.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Wash you away

the stress you cause
is giving me gray hairs
I’m too young for that
I must wash you away
let your snide comments
glide off of my back
like beads of water
in a warm relaxing shower
your games
bounce past me
like a basketball passed
on a downhill court
your attitude
sail past me
like a stiff breeze
on a spring morning
I need not join the misery
you wallow in
I must wash you away.


your words
so sharp and defensive
while you flash
that artificial smile
I wonder
what has happened
to change you
180 degrees
I look into
your hollow eyes
and feel as if
I never really knew
you at all
a cold bitter heart
to match the weather
that surrounds us
brings a warm tear
to my eye
for I believe
you are too far gone
too survive
until the thaw
sets in.

Monday, February 1, 2010


The sounds of my tear drops
echo through the house
bouncing off the hardwood floors
and empty walls
my heavy breathing
matched by what sounds like
an avalanche of thoughts in my ears
as I try so hard to keep it together
never before has it seemed so cold
as it does tonight
I can’t shake the chill
that drills through my skin
and confiscates my bones
this is the sound of alone.


I know I shouldn’t dial those 10 numbers
I can’t help this ache to call you
it seems etched in every fabric of my being
and overtakes my fingers
like a poltergeist from beyond
I want to hear your voice
see your smile
have you laugh at my dramatics
and tell me that everything will be alright
like you always have
promising it will all work out in the end
but this seems to be the end
and it has not worked out at all
like we had planned
I don’t know how
to sit idly by
and watch my life and things I love
slip through my fingers
like wet noodles on an icy grid
the harder I grasp
the further away it all
seems to slide
so I stop…
holding my breath
frozen with fear
praying that you will pick up
and soon be near
but like all other things
you too have slipped away.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

His Turn

He tells me it’s his turn to wait
and he will, as long as it takes
for he wants nothing more in this world
than for us to be together again
because he can never love another
the way that he loves me
and he’s right, in a way, when he says
that I cannot comprehend the depth of his feelings
it’s been too long since i was under his spell
and could believe the words that fell off his tongue
so I catalog this under
promises that would have come in so handy
years and a million tear drops ago
when I was all his and he couldn’t find the time
to give our love his all.


You scold me that I have no idea how much you love me
as if I am a child that has written on the walls with magic marker
and cannot comprehend the consequences
of not cleaning up the mess around me in an instant
I know not how to make you see that I choose this mess
and I think it’s beautiful art, unlike the paintings
I used to do for you that were always ruined and streaked with my tears
you are the only one that thinks me wrong
and in my heart I know that what I’m creating now
can never be duplicated or destroyed
you are no longer my muse of love and happiness
you are just a love of the past that I cannot erase.
With you there is no rush because when I look into your eyes, it is eternal happiness and love that stares back at me.


lips locked
I breathe through you
siphoning your calm serenity
into my shaking body
I dare not open my eyes
and ruin this glorious moment
you and i
the only people that exist
in this dream
safe from the mad world
that surrounds us daily
I do not have to speak the words
with my kiss you know that
in you lies my every happiness

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Wild star

you always said that hearts were magnetic
that’s what drew us together
and kept us that way
no matter how hard or far we tried to run
regardless of knowing what was best
in our tortured minds
our hearts always pulled us back to the other
I always scoffed at your theory
although I could not explain it any better
and nights like these I wish you were right
as I sit on the dock
dipping my cotton-candy painted toes
into the murky night water
speaking to you in the sky
as the tears cascade from my cheeks
and ripple into the waters below
I see a streak across the heavens
you, my wild star,
shooting across the night
and into my heart forever.

she said she’s not big on gambling, unless it’s money, because she can budget for that. gambling on love and feelings and hunches never hits jackpot for her and at her age, it’s too hard to recoup the losses.

Green Heart

my hearts “going green”
it’s not like I can toss it out
and buy a new one at wal-mart
I have to use the one I have
and make it last
until blood no longer pumps
through the veins
it’s hard some days
thinking of ways to jump start it
so that it doesn’t wither black and die
loving you was like a coronary
and almost killed me
I’ve decided what works for Earth
should work for my heart
reduce the amount I give away
recycle the feelings and memories daily
so that they don’t grow stale
and reuse what is left
for someone else
that will know how to treat me right
and love me in return.


I doodle down
a collection of thoughts
regarding our demise
pure and honest
unlike our love
foolish to think
we would survive
something built on lies
that would never disappear
and always haunt
always taunt
I doodle in pen
because some things
can’t be erased
like the way I loved you
the way you hurt me
and the anger that resides now
if I look back in 40 years
I want to remember
with an honest mind
exactly what this was
the highs the lows,
not just a foggy recollection
distorted by forgiveness
or longing.
I doodle in pen
as a reminder
to never fall for you

Friday, January 22, 2010

This town

I can see the dim lights
against the night
dancing on the horizon
home is so close
I must face all my ghosts
tonight I cannot be frightened
this town seems too bare
without you there
I choke on my sobs at the thought
I park my car
knowing just where you are
and stumble through the darkness
the plot in the back left
is where we all wept
the day that we bid you goodbye
I sit on the ground
I can’t make a sound
I don’t want to disturb your slumber
but I can’t stop these tears
when you are so near
but not really with us any longer
I feel the wind that you blow
so that I will know
that you’re listening as I speak
I blow you a kiss
it’s nights such as this
that it’s so hard to leave you alone.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I see you in the frozen foods aisle
And freeze like the peas next to me
I know not whether to turn and run
Or waltz past you without a care
Before I can decide you spot me
You wave and smile, making your way
Towards me with your cart
I envision playing a game of chicken
Throttling towards you
Using my cart as a dangerous weapon
And knocking you out cold
Like the love we once shared
It seems fitting in this aisle
You tell me I look great
I say I know
It’s the only response I can think of
I will not lie and tell you that you do too
You look tired and worn
I guess life and karma has caught up with you
You chat like we’re old friends
I stare at you, dumbfounded,
Wondering if you forgot the pain
And torture you showered on me
How you impaled my heart with your lies
Deflated my dreams with your deafening tone
And left me to rot alone with the memories
And ‘what if’s’ that I clung to so tightly
You say we should get a beer sometime
That it’s been great catching up
And you miss the laughs we used to share
I tell you that I’d rather get ran over
By an eighteen wheeler with iron spiked tires
That is engulfed in flames
Than to ever share another moment with you again
Then turn and walk away forever.


I feel like a wobbly-kneed girl at summer camp again
I remember how the muscles in my body tensed
as I made the walk along the bouncing plank
the sound of my heart beating in my ears
my hands hot and sweaty dangling at my side
so no one can tell how badly they are shaking
the vast pool of possibilities and wonderment
lies, placid, so far below me
I wonder how big of a splash I will make
how long the waves will ripple
if this will be my finest move ever
I know not whether to pry my eyes open
so I can enjoy every second of what’s to come
or shut them tightly and jump
enjoying the unknown adventure of it all…
the music jolts me back to reality
as the double doors swing open
I don’t notice the faces of all that watch me
all I see is you at the end of the aisle
and I take each step with a smile
my eyes wide open and filled with happy tears
so that I don’t miss a solitary moment
of starting our life
jumping in together
as husband and wife.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Broken crystals

The ice covered branches
look like they are made out of
a lonely and cold glass
but when the wind whips through them
it sounds like firewood crackling
in a blazing inferno
the long shards reach towards the house
and scratch their frozen tentacles
against the window pane
screeching and moaning
from the weight upon them
tears drip from their tips
I watch them break from the tree
and shatter upon the ground
into a million tiny crystals
beautiful and broken
never to grow and bloom again
just like my heart
when you left.


She dangles precariously
from the bridge
her fingers
which grip the icy metal bar
growing numb
the only thing separating her
from the rocky depths of the water below
is her subsiding will to survive
she’s not sure how much longer
she can fight and hang on
when all she loves
already drowned
in the murky darkness
that waits to swallow her whole
she tries to think of warmer days
brighter and filled with love
days she could breathe deeply
and laugh loudly
and feel alive
but she knows she is slipping
feels it with every blink of her eye
and knows she is about to be washed

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

She said she couldn’t leave the house without paint on her toes even if she was wearing socks. She thought all women should be required by goddess law to do the same so that they felt sexy with every step they took too.


I stand before her majesty
staring at a face that is hard and wise
she looks as if she hasn’t relaxed in years
I wonder if she remembers how to laugh
what a child’s kiss feels like on her nose
if tears can still flow from eyes of stone
if she locks away a great love in her heart
she speaks of things that are not important to me
in a voice that does not beckon me
to smile or even to dare twitch
I stare at the massive crown
nestled into her graying hair
and count the diamonds
that dangle there
thinking that maybe the reason queens
get to wear crowns
is so that something about them
still sparkles
once the sparkle inside them is tamed and buried
for the sake of public service.
She blows out the candles and watches as the year fades from flame to smoke and disappears into the air. She figures that is all the time she has to waste on letting go of another year that’s passed when there is so much to do in the next one.


He was her love of 50 years. I can’t fathom that kind of loss. My attention span is short to say the least and I don’t feel like I’ve ever loved anything for more than a few days. I wonder if that was what caused the empty ache inside my chest some times. I watched my grandmother at his funeral…smiling. Thanking people for their comfort and care. When she was the one in the deepest pain, she spent the day assuring others he was happier now and in a better place. She was making them feel better about her loss. It wasn’t until that night I heard her sobbing in her arm chair. I made my way to her side and asked how she would survive. How she would get up tomorrow knowing he was not there to share their morning coffee. How she would sleep at night without him snoring by her side. How she was not angry that he was gone. She said she would just put on her big girl panties and get by until they could be together again. And as always, I am amazed by her strength and wisdom.


I’m not equipped
To handle these monsters
Made of memories
That lurk beneath my bed
Fangs dripping red
From the remnants of our love
As the winter settles in
Freezing the world out
All I want is to curl up
In the warm, inviting comfort
Of my sheets
But I am restless
As I lay there
I have no companion
To keep me safe
I am at the mercy
Of the evil forces
That whisper your name
In the dark of night
And remind my heart
That you have gone
Like the summer
I held you near.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I prick my finger
and watch tiny drops of blood
splatter against the white parchment
a letter I wrote to you
the blood is proof
that I’m still alive inside
as far as science is concerned
but some days I wonder
the sparkle that danced in my eyes
you said drew you to me
the first moment our eyes locked
burned out the day
you left
and I am unable to
find anything to light it again
I’m a vacant shell of myself
trapped in this world
searching for you
hoping I’ll wake up
and you’ll still be
breathing next to me
here with me
loving me again.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My turn

It’s not as easy as you would think
to ignore her and her snide remarks,
eyes flashing daggers
and the past that you shared.
She’s right when she says
she knows you better.
We are but a fraction of
the time you spent with her
but that doesn’t mean
I love you any less than she.
You’ve been done for years
but it’s obvious she doesn’t
want to let you go completely.
So that leaves me where?
Dealing with a deranged ex-wife
that will do anything to see us fail,
facing her at holidays,
being compared to her by your family,
and watching her put the kids in
the middle…just to hurt you.
Some days I wonder if it’s worth it
the pain and suffering she causes you
because you chose to be with me.
How can I sit idly by, as this
soap opera unfolds,
knowing it is all my fault?
I wonder if it would be easier
if I would just bow out.
But then I look in your eyes
and know that I love you
too much to let you go
and that we deserve to
be happy and together.
She had her chance.
Now it’s my turn to love you
the right way.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I deposit pieces of you
like coins into a piggy bank.
it’s not a lot,
little bits every day,
but I convince myself it will add up
to something significant later.
I keep it handy for the days it feels
like my love account is running
on empty
and I need a boost
to feel exciting
and beautiful and wanted.
I figure that someday,
loving you has got to pay off
in some way.

Monday, January 11, 2010

the road

I’ve never wished so hard on a single tank of gas
I didn’t know where I was headed
I just knew I had to leave
I threw the map out the window
and then left it down
feeling the air whip through my hair
at 80 miles an hour
it felt for a second like it was
blowing you off of me
and into another world
for once, I could breathe again
every mile I raced
down that highway
lightened the load
on my shoulders, my mind
and my heart.
it was like someone removed
the blindfold I had been trapped in
and I could see
for the first time in years…
I could finally see the road ahead of me
free of you.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


You don’t know what it’s like
so many nights
I would sit waiting for your call
and once I decide I don’t need
to hear your voice say my name…
there it is. Once a comforting
sound, now haunting, reminding
me of things I could never forget.
Off us. Or you and me. Together
but so far apart. Different. Stubborn.
If only…
You always seem to love me more
when I’m gone. That’s a sick sign,
I know. But still comforting on the
cold nights I sit alone in my tiny
apartment, tiny me, in this enormous
city. Sometimes I feel it will swallow
me whole. And it’s you I want near.
But you’re not here. You never will
be…and if I don’t come home, then
what? Years of phone tag? Or worse,
what if I did come home? Phone tag
replaced by occasional visits still void
of love? I can’t be with you there.
I can’t be with you when I’m here.
And I won’t let you keep my heart
as a souvenir
of the past and times we shared. It’s
mine and you have no right to it. So
don’t call when you notice I haven’t.
Stay there, it makes you happier than
I could. And let me go on being myself,
myself without you.
I like me better that way.


due to
lies told
love lost
hearts broke

She can

I watch you with her
and I try to recall
the love that you once showed me
lost, it seems
useless, I know
racking my brain
for feelings grown cold
trying to hang on
to what we once had
dreaming, regretting
all those years
and the result that
was so unseen,
to myself.
I never thought
you’d tire of me,
get sick of my faults,
let resentment override
your love.
Through wiser eyes
I now can see
we both loved,
made mistakes,
gave up too soon.
There is no peace
in me to see
a smile on your face
no wishing you the best
of life, love and happiness.
Instead, I feel
that I couldn’t please you
and she can.


Here in my arms
that’s where you should be…
not there,
with her,
in her house,
in her bed,
in her embrace.
Here in my heart
is where you’ll always stay…
in my thoughts,
in my words,
in my tears,
in my dreams.

Take it out on me

Take it out on me
I am strong
and wild
and free.
a terrible person
just like my mother
you said.
if it makes you feel good,
belittle me
call me satan’s spawn
push away your family
can you feel it?
love and devotion
bending and breaking
no sympathy for you
any longer
you are, to most, a lost cause.
sick they say,
and I am too…
sick of your
cruelty, hatred,
egotism, self-righteousness.
you are no better than I
your eldest granddaughter
who once loved you
respected you
honored you…
no longer.
I see now
through wiser eyes
the more you try to hide your faults
the more apparent they become.
keep on pushing,
I dare you
then who will you push
when you’re all alone?
a sad, deranged man
who thinks he has the answers to it all.
how will it feel when you realize
nothing really matters
when there is no one left
to mourn your death
or your life?
no love
no one.
if you must,
take it out on me.

31 years

You lay in your bed,
pale and weak,
near your death.
I can sense all your pain
through your shortness of breath.
As tears fill your eyes
you reach for my hand.
I step back.
It has been 31 years
since we have spoken
yet I can recall every word last exchanged.
Your pain doesn’t hurt me.
Instead I wonder,
does it feel the same as my own?
Is your heart abandoned?
Your pride slaughtered?
Your love betrayed?
Does regret plague your mind?
Do you remember the day
your words pushed me too far?
And I left you,
a wreck,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs in my throat,
questions in my mind,
my broken heart in my palm,
my family shattered.
For 31 years
I could not forgive,
I could not forget,
I could not go home.
Now I’ve been called here
to say goodbye to
someone I said goodbye to long ago
and I’m not the same girl I once was.
I am grown now
and I’ve grown away from you
not part of you,
like most would do.
But do not be fooled.
I great because of you,
because I had to.
I learned to grow
out of isolation,
without love,
across a page of family...
And when my children ask
who their great grandfather is
I say he is sick,
he does not know right from wrong,
he is depressed.
They look at me
with confused eyes,
innocent smiles,
wondering why it is
that I cannot love my grandfather
like they do their own.
I cannot explain to them
that I don’t want to.
There is too much pain,
too much suffering
in my past
and it is not theirs.
It is mine to bare
with the grandfather who lies before me
dying, pleading, begging
for my love and forgiveness
31 years too late.

Love led her here

She rocks gently,
to and fro, to and fro…
days of long labor
and eight children lie in her wrinkles.
She recalls with a tear
the way that life changes
and she pities those
who strive to control the uncontrollable,
which is just about everything.
She remembers the day
she saw his towering figure approach,
felt her heart in her throat
as she fell in love.
She fingers the charm around her neck
that once symbolized
their love and commitment,
a circle that she could not break.
She stares at her arm
and the scar above the right elbow
and recalls how he threw her from
their moving station wagon in 1964.
She cringes at the helplessness she felt
as he raped and ravaged her shaking body,
Christmas morning, 1970,
as their eight children played downstairs.
She regrets the way that she allowed herself
to be belittled, degraded, humiliated
over and over again for 40 years.
But what could a woman do?
Then it was her duty, her fault, her silent secret.
She stuck it out, raised their kids best she could
and saw her youngest baby through college.
Then she took what little she had;
a picture and frame, a tattered bible,
and the ounce of pride she kept hiding.
She left him, his cruel ways,
and the hell that love had led her to.

Dust in the corners

You’re always there,
like the dust
in the tiniest corner of my bedroom
that no amount of cleaning
can quite reach.
you watch me,
you wait for me to find you.
I don’t have to look
because I can feel you there
I just prefer to pretend
that you are gone
out of the corners of my heart
off the pages of my mind
and that I can live wholly
without you

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I mailed you a letter today
no stamp or return address.
I’m guessing it will end up in the
same pile as those marked
to santa claus or the easter bunny.
That’s ok with me.
I had to send it.
Your silence is a deafening defense
and I had to break it,
had to have the last word,
regardless of whether you
know I did or not.
I asked all the questions
I was never brave enough
to speak.
I told you all of the things
I yearned to scream
all of these years.
I laid it all out there
as if I was letting you go
and not vice versa.
Yet, when I closed,
I still signed it with
for I knew no other way
to end it.


Shortly after midnight her eyes shut and the nurse gave us the nod. Her pain was over. Ours had just begun. I wondered out the house, through the dimly lit streets of a town I once called my own. Everything I saw had a piece of her etched upon it. I had barely a memory of my childhood without her in it. I found myself at the playground we had practically grown up on, running my fingers down the cold steel slide. It felt like the hand I had held in mine minutes ago, blue and lifeless. This was never just a slide to us. It was a mountain, an escape route, a secret passage, a trap door shoot to another world…the only limit of this slide was our imagination. I sat upon the middle swing. I always had to have the middle swing and she would be on my right side. I wish I would’ve given her the middle swing once in awhile. She would’ve loved being the center of attention for a moment or two.

If I closed my eyes, I could hear the laughter of 8 year olds ringing throughout the gray sky that surrounded me. I could almost hear her calling my name as we jumped off the swings, into the air and raced towards the merry-go-round. “Wait for me, Sissy!” she would exclaim as we leapt aboard the spinning monster that we thought was a time machine. So many times I should’ve stopped and waited for her. Instead, I ran ahead and landed in places across the world, while she waited for me to return home and tell her of my adventure. I never realized how the adventure would’ve been so much greater if she had been at my side the entire time, instead of waiting here. She should’ve made her own adventures across the globe, or even the galaxy!

But then again, some days I think her adventures far surpassed mine. For she had adventures I would never know of a child growing inside her, love at first sight the day he was born, and the trials and pride she felt while watching him sprout into a real live boy. It made sense to me now. I was always Indiana Jones and she wouldn’t go anywhere without her doll. Feeding it, loving it and protecting it from whatever monsters or aliens or evil demons we came across. She was meant to be a mother. She was so good at it. More than I could ever be. Now, with her passing, I had no choice but to be a mother to her little boy and hope I don’t fail either of them miserably. And I must keep my promise that I will always bring him to our playground.

string cheese

he peels my heart apart
like strips of string cheese
he can devour for an afternoon snack.


Inside is where I want to stay
inside your heart
your mind
your arms
where it is safe and warm.
flesh on flesh
your breath on my cheek
your kiss on my lips
your hand on my hip.
it is here,
while you sleep next to me,
that I feel most alive.

Monday, January 4, 2010


I choke on your exhaust
and the words that drip,
slick like oil,
from your tongue.
Your eyes are smudged
and glassed over,
incapable of the tears
that could cleanse the hurt away.
I don’t believe blood runs
through your veins anymore
just a cold, black sludge
that houses all the deceit you sold.
The excuses, the lies, the hollow I love you’s…
I bought and swallowed it whole.
to the biggest sucker…