Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Tomorrow she swears things will be different.
She won’t wake with thoughts of you wrestling her from her slumber.
There won’t be tears in her eyes each time someone says your name.
Every song she hears won’t stab like a tiny pinhole into her barely beating heart.
She will look at your picture and smile.
She will hold onto the memories and love that you shared with joy.
There will be no more what ifs and I could have’s and if only’s.
She will be grateful for every moment spent in your arms, as short as that time may have been.
She will know that your love was great and nothing can ever replace it.
But she will realize that she has to move on. That the guilt is not hers to carry.
That she did all that she could and loved you with her entire heart
And that WAS enough. That was what she could control. Nothing else.
Tomorrow she will take another step in learning how to live without you.
There will be thousands of those ahead.
Some days it will seem like an uphill battle she can never win.
But tomorrow, she will know that she can.
And someday she will be happy again because she needs to be and deserves that peace.
And that was all you ever dreamed and wanted for her.
To love and be loved.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The One That Got Away

He couldn’t believe the ways she had changed, this woman that he used to know. He thought seeing her would be delightful for him. In his mind he liked to think that his leaving her years ago may have wrecked her. That she could barely survive a life without him. He fooled himself into thinking he had that power. He pictured her often, looking years past her age, with streaks of gray beginning to weave through her hair. Her eyes a little cold, distant and lonely. He would see the lines on her face where she stayed up nights worrying about him and wishing for him to return their love. When they met he would let her beg to have him back before he caved. She didn’t have to know that is the reason he wished to see her again. That he had been nothing without her. He thought it would be easier to take control of her this time. She wouldn’t fight so hard and be so independent because she wouldn’t want to risk losing him again. He waited in a corner booth for a fragment of the woman he once knew to slink through the door and look for him but she didn’t.

He was surprised when he saw the woman of his past float gracefully through the door with a heart stopping smile on her face. She looked as beautiful as ever. Perhaps a little taller. Could that be? Or was she just walking taller these days? Her eyes were not sad and lonely. They sparkled with life and luster as they always had. He heard her laugh as she spotted him and whisked over to the table. God, he had missed that laugh of an angel.

They made small talk for a few minutes and finally she asked. “Why did you need to see me? Is everything ok?” He couldn’t help but spill out, with pathetic honesty, how miserable he had been without her and how sorry he was for hurting her. She listened, unmoved, to his plea and sat quietly after he had finished. She fidgeted with her ring finger and it was the first time he noticed the diamond upon it. “Oh wow,” was all he could muster as his face flushed red with embarrassment. She finally began to speak. She told him that he had nearly broken her. How, at first, she yearned to have him back even though he had shattered her heart. She saw the element of hope that there might be a chance sweep back over his face. “I gave you years of my life and all the love in my heart, even after you left me it was yours for so long. But you will never have another day of me. I will never cry for you again. You don’t love me. You love the memory of me loving you and giving up all that I had to make you happy. You want someone to sacrifice for you again and let you control them. That person will never be me. Getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Realizing that you meant everything to me, and I meant nothing to you. I’m finally happy. If you really care about me, then you will be happy for me and leave me alone forever, the way I have done for you.”

She stood from the table and leaned over to him, setting a soft kiss on his cheek. She whispered “goodbye” and walked out of the door, and his life, forever. As he watched her go, he knew that he didn’t deserve her. But she was wrong about one thing…he did truly care for her and because of that, he was happy for her and he knew that she would always be the one that got away.

Friday, September 25, 2009


Tonight I’ll make him remember
The woman he fell for so long ago
No work or phone or children
Tonight we’ll take everything slow
I cooked up his favorite meal
And put on my little black dress
The champagne is chilling on ice
I kicked out the worry and stress
Tonight we won’t talk about housework,
His mother, the dog or the bills
Tonight we’ll relax on the deck
And do whatever comes to mind that we feel.
Tonight there’s no time table for us
We do not have anywhere to be
Tonight is the night that I’m making
Time just for my man and me.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

You Stupid Boy

I know she said
she’d love you forever
and she meant it when she said those words
but she never realized
what you would steal
and how you’d take advantage of her
How silly of you
to think that she’d stay
after all of the lies that you spoke
how stupid she felt
the day she found out
all that you shared was a joke
You never loved her
the way that you claimed
you used her to satisfy your needs
not once did you think
about what she deserved
or the way that you made her heart bleed
Promises broken
are all that she has
when she recalls the years spent with you
you stupid boy
what did you think
that a woman like that would go do?
Yes, she found another
to love her completely
the way that you swore that you would
she’s so much happier
with him by her side
cuz he loves her much more than you could.
So please just quit calling
don’t try to break in
her heart is no longer a toy in your chest
she’s finally over you
in love with another
and her past with you is at rest.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Love Letters

It’s not nearly as romantic as it used to be; once torn and tattered love letters lived tormented in a shoe box in the back corner of a forgotten closet. Now, love letters are a rare treasure. Instead it’s emails, text messages, Facebook conversations and breaking up over Twitter. These don’t last like letters. You get a virus or a new phone or someone hacks your account and all those personal and dear conversations and exchanges are simply gone. You can’t hold those in your arms in a dimly lit room, curled in a ball, as tears drop down your cheeks and make a small spattering sound upon the parchment. They don’t grow yellow and crack with age to prove to you where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. You can’t stare at the handwriting of your love and memorize every loop and slant and the way the i’s were dotted in that special way, only for you. You can’t smell the perfume that was delicately sprayed on the paper, just before it was placed in the envelope and sealed. It’s colder now. Just a click of a button and it’s all gone. Delete is so easy when there are no actual letters.

The Ring

He asked what kind of ring I wanted. He said he wanted me to have the best and something that I would always love and be proud of. I knew that I could ask for anything and he would find a way to give it to me. I think the old me would’ve jumped all over that 3 carat platinum ring that was shiny and nearly offensive, but I didn’t need that from him.

I thought about the kind of man he was and how he always found a way to make me feel special and safe. How he was strong and solid and logical and beautiful. I knew I would always love and be proud of him. Spending time with him made me sparkle like the most brilliant diamond one could find. I didn’t need anything more than that. It wasn’t about the ring I wore. He had already given me a ring of happiness and love around my heart. I could feel it every minute of every day and I knew it would never get lost or stolen or tarnished. To me, that was the most priceless gift he could ever bestow upon me and all that I would ever need.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Missing You

They tell me you’re gone
But I feel you here
Even though I watched them put you to rest
I hurt and I cry
And I feel like I’m failing
If this is God’s ultimate test
My heart is so hollow
I can’t stop the tears
Even though I know things must go on
I lay here at night
And I picture your face
And I just can’t believe you are gone
I want one more day
Am I asking too much?
To make sure you know that I care
I cannot stop thinking
If I had done this before
That you might be here and not there
I can’t turn back time
I can’t make it better
All I can do is pray that you know
So many loved you
There’s a void in our hearts
And we are missing a piece of our soul.

Friday, September 18, 2009

damn this imagination

I’m in the elevator today and it stops on another floor. This massive man in one of those electric wheelchairs comes barreling in. He’s one of those people that your eyes need .2 seconds to sweep over and you can tell he is surly and mean. He has a permanent scowl etched across his cracked and chapped lips. Before his big wheelie is even all the way through the elevator doors he turns and starts punching the “close door” buttons…even though there is a man behind him trying to get on. The doors begin to close on the guy. I push the “open door” button so as not to watch this man get pancake’d. He gives me a thankful smile. The grumpy ass man in the wheelie actually growls at me. I back into my corner and decide to mind my own business for the next 14 floors.

The 2nd guy onto the elevator that I saved from the doors also backs a little bit into my corner. I admit, the dude and his wheelie took up a lot of room and he parked in the middle of the elevator but I still felt guy #2 was a little up in my business. I can’t go anywhere though so I just stand there and suck it up. I notice the tool belt around his waist. His fingers are tinkering with an object. He pulls it out and it’s this huge silver scissors. It’s so shiny! I imagine it came from a doctor’s office and has been used to take out stitches on very important people. He begins to twirl it around his index finger like an ol’ west gunslinger and his Colt 45. I follow his eyes as they burn through the grumpy man in the wheelie who is breathing heavy and clearly agitated that this elevator moves at the speed of an Amish buggy in a muddy field.

Before I can stop my mind from running wild I imagine tool man stepping forward and slamming the scissors into wheelie’s jugular. I think of how the blood would splatter all over the mirrored walls and leave a red trail of death as it dripped. I could almost hear wheelie man growling and gurgling for breath. And then tool man turns on me, scissors back into position and spinning on his finger again. He wipes the blood from his brow and it smears into his gray hair. I have nowhere to run. I scream but no one can hear me. As he raises the scissors above his head I can see the reflection of my eyes in them. I can see my death coming towards me…

Then the elevator dings, the doors open to our desired floor and I’m back to reality. Wheelie man scoots out grumbling about something and nearly takes out a few elementary age kids that are walking through the lobby. I head towards the alley to have my cigarette and I’m glad that tool man went the opposite direction.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

2 years 2 late

I cried when you called today
not because of what you said
but because there was nothing left to say.

Sometimes saying goodbye to the past is so hard, even when you know there is no future.

It's hurts to leave because I love you
but I had to walk because I love myself
and you can't love me like you should.

Go home to your wife tonight and try to make her feel half as special as you made me feel when we were together. You might be surprised at what happens.

A Snippet of the New Book

I fastened the veil with one more bobby-pin, took a deep breath and turned to face the mirror. The sight nearly took my breath away. My shaking hand reached for the flute of bubbling champagne on the counter. I swallowed the sweet nectar with a hint of peach as fast as my throat would allow it to go down. My hair and makeup looked like something out of a bridal magazine. The dress that I had dreamt of all my life hugged my body in all the right places. The diamond on my left hand gleamed and glistened in the soft glow of the bathroom lights. Etta James “All I Could Do Was Cry” blared from the adjoining room. I choked back tears and reached to refill my champagne. As the bottle slipped out of my hand and cascaded across the floor, a small scream of frustration emerged from my tightening throat. It was followed by another scream and a barrage of sobs as I sunk to the floor.

My name is Amelia Juhl. Today wasn’t supposed to go like this. This was supposed to be the most magical day of my life. In 20 minutes I should’ve been entering a church full of family and friends and prancing up the aisle towards the love of my life. Well, the man I had thought was the love of my life anyway. Now, to my detriment, he had become the love of someone else’s life. I was told this morning they had their baby…the baby conceived while he was still claiming he loved me, born on the morning we were supposed to get married. Sometime’s life is a totally ironic bitch, like that.

So what am I doing in my wedding dress crying on the bathroom floor? I’m not really sure, to be honest with you. All I know is that it’s a gorgeous gown and I wanted to wear it. It called out to me this morning. It begged to be taken from the closet and nestled against my satiny skin. It was odd to me how it felt warm and cold at the same time. The last few months that’s how my heart felt as well. I liken it to a small campfire in the middle of the frozen tundra. There’s still something alive in there, yearning to burn and grow, but the surrounding elements will not allow it. My mind begins to wander back to him and for a brief moment I wish he was here, that this was our day. That we could erase the betrayal and heartache that he caused. I wished I could stop loving him. And I wonder how I could possibly still love a man that would do that to me? I don’t know the answer. All I know is that I did.

I start to stand up so I can go get some more champagne. As I do, the bathroom door flies open and smacks me in the head. I’m sent sprawling backwards as my two best friends, Emma and Paige, bust into the bathroom. “Amelia!! What the hell are you doing in here?” Emma wails. It takes a moment for them to register the fact that I am in my full wedding get-up, slightly drunk, possibly unconscious and now lying in broken glass and a puddle of champagne. I moan from the floor and they rush to my side to lift me up.

I love...

I love…the way you look at me, as we lay in bed, like there is no place in the world you would rather be. The way your arms feel, tight around me, like you will never let anything bad happen to me. How you softly kiss my cheek and tell me that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met and you don’t care who sees or who is listening. How you make me laugh even when I’m having the worst of days. How you smile and share my joy when I’m having the best of days. The way you have become a part of my family and friends and love and protect them as if they were yours from the start.

I love…the feeling of your support and how you want my dreams just as bad as I do. That you don’t realize that you are the dream I've been holding out for. With every moment we spend together my heart becomes a part of yours and yours a part of mine. It took me a long time to think that I deserved someone like you. It took me a long time to trust my heart again. I will be forever grateful that you thought me worth the wait.

I love…you.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Picking Up The Pieces

I picked up shattered pieces of you today
They were messy and strewn all around
I don’t know why I had kept them so long
When all they do is bring me down
I swept up the memories and love that we had
Dusted up promises broken on the floor
I bagged it all up with some pictures of you
And I threw it all out the back door
I put up new pictures and a fresh coat of paint
Opened the windows so the breeze could blow through
There was a freshness in my heart when I finished
Picking up the pieces of you

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Will Call Her "Joy"

She rode through the alley on her vintage periwinkle Schwinn without a care in the world. She didn’t zig-zag around the puddles; she giggled as they splashed onto her bare feet. Her white cotton sundress swished around her ankles, which were draped in a snakelike wrap of beads. A small dog sat in the basket on her handlebars. It had a pink bow on its head that matched the pink flower behind its masters ear. I stood judging her while she approached. Wanting to make a crack about Toto or Kansas or Woodstock. As I watched her long chocolate locks, with just a splash of gray, flow behind her in the wind, we locked eyes. Her hazel eyes danced with delight, like a million shooting stars on a still June night. She smiled at me, genuine, pure and blissful. She wasn’t judging me or anyone else she passed. She just wanted to ride her bike and be happy. For a moment I felt envy, wishing I could be so carefree. Her smile was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile back. I wondered when was the last time I made someone smile just by strolling past them. What happened to the silly girl I used to be? Once, I wanted to entertain everyone I met. Lately, it seems I demanded that the world go out of its way to entertain me. After seeing “Joy” on her bike I think it’s time I start entertaining myself again. Simple joys reap grand rewards.

My Poison

I wish there was a pill to rid me of you. I would swallow the bottle and it would erase you from my mind, my heart and my soul. It would be as if I never loved you. I would never feel the pain of you again. I wouldn’t remember your laughter or your smile. No more recalling the things you said that made my heart flutter. My skin would forget the feeling of you against it. It may be a bit hollow but most days I think it would be better.

I don’t know what to do when you call my phone. It’s a civil war between my heart and my head. I want so badly to hear your voice. But I know that it will melt my defenses like a sno-cone in Fiji. I can’t be a part of you any longer. I have to move on. I have to forget you…for now. For as long as I know you are still out there, I hold out for hope. I pray for a miracle that our love can be salvaged.

You cannot be the man I need. I tell you this, hoping that you will understand and let me go, but instead you fill my head with lies and promises. All we have left is lies and promises and I can’t swallow them any longer. You are a poison to my heart and I will search and fight until I find the magic potion that cures me of you.

Captain K

It’s hard without you here. It’s hard to watch their tears. I’m wishing there was some way I could bring you back and make us whole again.

Everyone says the pain will subside but I know it will never leave. We are left with a hole in our hearts, a gapping canyon where your laughter and love should be.

It’s been nearly a month and I still cry every day. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I can’t make it better for all who mourn you. I cry because you didn’t stay. I cry because you can’t come back. I cry because we couldn’t save you.

I hurt because you have no idea how much we miss you. How you changed everyone’s lives with your smile. How drinking a glass of milk tastes better now. How she can’t sleep at night without thinking of you. How my nephew will never have the honor of holding your hand or wrestling on the floor with you. How Hawk games and wrestling and the 4th of July will never be the same. How October will feel a little colder this year.

I try harder now. To make every day the best it can be. To remember life is short. To tell the people I love how much they mean to me more often. To be more patient and understanding. To put things in perspective and not let the little stuff grow into more than it is. To make you proud. To make sure that whenever my time comes, I too can leave a legacy of love and laughter.