Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I quiver under a tree
To hide from the scorching
There is no comfort in the shade
The hot wind of your breath melts me
Until I sweat from my eyes
I refuse to call it tears
You broke my world in two
I want only to superglue this canyon
So I can tumble home
And lie alone
In solitude and cold
But you refuse to release me.

I fold

On my knees
And out of luck
I fold
Into a memory of myself
You rip away all I have
And trump my heart
Just to say you won
I wanted to hold you
For eternity
You played
Like you wanted the same
But it was just a game
I couldn’t win

Winter soldiers

I buckle under an icy grip
As the city clears
Pins in my chest
With each breath
Blood flow slows
To my frostbit heart
I watch the winter soldiers
March down the streets
I want to retreat
But I’m frozen in fear
If I surrender to this war
And try not to blink
Could I pass for a statue
Safe from their terror
Until the spring?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It should be me

It should be me
Not you
It wasn’t your turn
I was next in line
To battle our curse
I’m the big sister
And I cannot protect you
From this monster
That invades our lives
Whenever it pleases
You, with everything
set neatly in your palm
Me, with all I have
a hurricane around my heart
another wind wouldn’t phase me
I would take it on
to keep your peace
It should be me

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I tried desperately to move
As my knees began to melt
Tunnel vision down the aisle
Where you waited
One foot in front of the other
But I couldn’t complete the walk
On my own strength
The tears from my eyes
Were too heavy for me to budge
I watched my mother
Battling the same
As father took her weeping body
And held her steady
Carrying her down to the pew
Where we would say goodbye to you.


Crushing me
Like an avalanche
Black dresses
Whipping in deadly wind
On frozen ground
As mascara smears
Down my cheeks
Freezing there
And in time
Like my memory
Of you
And the laughter
That is gone.

Frozen heart

A frozen heart
Hangs in my chest
Dragging me down
Delaying my rest
I want only to close my eyes
And feel it beat again
In tune with yours
But instead I feel broken
like I’m never gonna heal
and each passing second
changes how I feel
towards you
and us
and this broken trust
and a frozen heart
that forgot how to beat
it just drags me down deep
into a pit of lies
I can’t seem
to escape.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

He said he’s a fucking asshole when he’s mad and I had to agree but I gave him kudos for being so brilliantly perfect at it.

Stacking boxes

Stacking boxes
Like a fort
To protect my heart again
If I pack up and go
There’s a chance this will feel
Like something I chose
Instead of my worst nightmare
Stacking boxes
High enough
To hide my tears
And barricade the sobs
That rise in my scratchy dry throat
Oh how I want to scream
That this isn’t the end
And everything will be ok
Somehow, someday
And we can start stacking boxes
With memories and love
Instead of pain.


Wedding picture thrown
From mantle to floor
The cold frost swirls through the house
But a fire between us rages
Broken glass scurries across hardwood
Only to settle scattered
Like my heart and trust
How can we continue
If I cannot believe
That I am enough
To make you happy?

Friday, December 10, 2010


I lay upon the stairs
That led to our room
Unable to take the final steps
The carpet scratches my cheek
Like your afternoon stubble
I never want to move
Up means facing our reality
And the empty bed
We once shared
Down would match my heart
And the way it spiraled
Through my chest
Seeing you with her
Tears burn
As the pages turn
On a story that you rewrote
Without my permission
Unlike anything we had planned
Ripping out pages of my dreams
I watch them float away as ash
From the rage that burns within me
You have ruined the fairytale of us


I reach for salvation
They tell me there is none
I beg for an ally
But the wars already won
Someone stop my misery
I cannot stand to wake
If I try to stand up now
I know this shell of me will break
I fight to keep your memory
But you’ve already left
I cannot filter reality
Or accept your death


My heart crashing
like surrounding waves
All I can do is float
My mind murky
Like the water that holds me
Salt stinging the wounds
That you left
Unsure that I will
Ever find land
Or sanity again
Yet I love you

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Is finding there is a very thin line between out of my mind and ahead of my time.

Happy to discover that a long line of failures has made me into someone quite exceptional.


Your hot tears and endless breath
Counter the cold tiles against my face
I wish you’d leave me in this place
Broken in pieces but in peace
You have never understood
I do not wish to be saved
And the attempts that you have made
Rush to darken what is left inside my soul

The challenge, she said, isn’t to figure out how to win the game but to find out who else is playing along.

Believes each day is a new opportunity to shine some of her spectacular all over the world.