Pillow

I roll in the darkness
Expecting to bump into your warm body at any moment
But instead I just find the edge of the bed
I run my finger along the sheets
Where your back should be
Up to the pillow
Where your head used to lie
I nestled my face into the puffiness
I can smell you there
Your cologne and the shampoo in your hair
I breathe as deeply as I can
Wanting to take in all of you
I nearly suffocate myself trying to recapture you
I can’t stop the tears that cascade from my eyes
I scream your name into this pillow abyss
Knowing you won’t hear me
Nobody can tonight
I scream until I can no longer make a sound
My eyes are dried up and itching
Like my eyelids are made out of sandpaper
I am exhausted on your side of the bed
My broken heart beating for only you in my chest
Your tear stained pillow under my head

He Waits

He waits for her
The lights turned down
A lone cricket’s chirp
Is the only sound
that makes him feel
he’s not alone
within these walls
they called their home
the house they built
with sweat and tears
that protected them
for all these years
the walls he thought
kept out the bad
but now he questions
all they ever had
for a thief has come
into their lair
he sits waiting
but she’s not there
and he knows that she
has found someone new
but he doesn’t know
what else to do
so he sits alone
and cries and prays
that maybe she will
come back today.

Hollow

In my head I had contemplated a million different scenarios
Eloquent words that would tell you the truth
And somehow protect you from the pain
Today when you called I couldn’t remember
Any of the phrases I had practiced
Instead, I just blurted it out,
Scared if I didn’t throw it at you now,
I would never have the courage again
I figured I should just rip that band-aid off
Instead of pulling it slowly and causing more pain
The silence from you was unbearable
All I could hear was my heart beating in my ears
I couldn’t mutter a single word
As I waited for your reaction
It came slow and pained
You said you felt like you couldn’t breathe
I knew the feeling too well
Despite all we’ve been through
I’ve never wanted to hurt you
Never wanted you to know what it felt like
to be me and love you
and hurt so deep inside some days your chest feels hollow
but now I guess you do.

He Loves Me

I’ve never had anyone love me as well as he does
I told my father
When he asked about the smile I couldn’t wipe off of my face
When I’m laughing with my friends
When I’m goofy late at night because I’m tired
When I’m sad because it feels like the walls are caving in
When I’m yelling at the football game on a Sunday afternoon
When I’m curled up in his arms, his breath tickling my face
He loves me like I’ve never been loved before
And some moments, it takes my breath away
And brings tears to my eyes
I wonder if I deserve a love like this
To feel this glorious and fulfilled and complete
Maybe I do, maybe I don’t
All I know is that I will spend the rest of my life
Trying to love him as well as he does me.

Flowers and Weeds

Beautiful faces crowd the paths
Wonderful flowers line the walls
Yet you pick the weeds which corrupt the scene
They tangle the truth
And block out the sun
So their ugliness is disguised
As they tower over the beauty that grows
Just below your eyes
You’ll never find them
Because you search with no effort
You just pick the easy ones at the top
For your entertainment
You’re not looking for something that lasts
Or smells divine or will give you lasting pleasure
You only need something that looks good for the night
You will toss it out with the trash in the morning.

Puppet In Your Pocket

You’re not the first to become upset at the news of my happiness
I wonder what right you think you have to act that way
When I say the words your voice deflates
like a thousand balloons being ransacked by a machine gun
it’s almost as if there is no air left in you at all
you try to mutter a quick “congratulations”
it is cold and soft and far from the sincerity and passion of your lies before
I ask you if you thought I would wait for you forever.
Was 743 chances not enough? You surely would’ve gotten in right on 744, I suppose.
You ask how I could do this to you and to us.
This has nothing to do with you because there hasn’t been an “us” in a really long time.
You tell me to give you one more night and you’ll never ask for anything from me again.
I owe you no favors and the audacity of your request makes my stomach turn.
My love was not a rain check you could wait and cash in when you felt vulnerable and lonely.
It’s so obvious that’s how you are feeling now.
That puppet in your pocket has suddenly become a real live girl
with a heart and a soul and a mind of her own.
The bad news for you is that she found someone that loves her for that.
She has given him her love in return.
With the promise of forever
And that ring on her finger is your clue
That she will never be yours again.

The Snow

The snow came the other day and made me think of you. The sky above was glowing so brightly it beckoned me from my slumber. I pulled back the curtains from the comfort of my bed and watched the dazzling white flakes float to the ground, with no particular purpose or place to be. They were in no hurry to land and melt away. I thought about our first winter together and how we shared a similar sentiment with the snow flakes. We were not in a rush. There was no place we would rather be than together. We had all the time in the world to float, hand in hand. A pure love, in a pure white snow. I recall how we ran outside the first time we saw the flakes begin their descent from heaven. How you loved to catch them on your tongue but they preferred to settle on those long, beautiful, dark lashes of yours. I remember chasing each other and tumbling around on the layer of cold, ending with you on top of me and a warm kiss on each of my rosy cheeks and then my lips. Once back inside the house we stripped out of our wet clothes and drank hot chocolate, talking about all the winters that were yet to come. The winters still come around here. You being gone hasn’t stopped that. Some years just seem a little bit colder now and I no longer dance in the snow with my love.

Chapter Three snippet

I looked out the window at the passing land below as we flew into a rising sun. I had forgotten how unbelievably green it was here…and flat. The landscape was dotted with farms, cornfields and small towns, rather than skyscrapers and freeways. As we began our descent into the capital city things became clearer and clearer. I couldn’t believe all the trees. I could see the dots of a softball game going on in a field below. I had to smile. I loved playing softball. I couldn’t recall the last time I had played. It was a bit depressing. A small boy pointed excitedly out the window and tugged on his mother’s arm. “Mommy, we’re home, we’re home! I missed everything.”

I thought about his statement. So far all I’ve missed while staring out this window is softball. Huh. I’m thinking that might not be a good thing. I haven’t been back in Iowa for almost 3 years and my only thoughts flying in were that I used to like softball? What about my family? My friends? Why wasn’t I nervous or scared or at the edge of my seat dying to see them? What the hell were they going to say when I drove up to the house? I probably should’ve called and told them I was coming. What if they weren’t even home?

The limo was waiting for me when I got out of the terminal. It’s a three hour drive to my hometown and I wasn’t about to try to make that behind a steering well. Plus, this trip is on Jamal and there was no need to be clipping coupons on his account. This was my non-honeymoon and he expected me to be jet-setting somewhere marvelous. I figured if I didn’t rack up some debt on this card he would be suspicious and get angrier with me. Who am I to go against his wishes? Oops, I think I had a little smudge of evil on my chin.

I took a brief nap in the back of the car and then stared at out the window, watching my former life get closer and closer. I swear there were old ghosts whipping along through the prairie grass in the ditches, dancing and taunting me in the wind as we made our way down this desolate highway. I took advantage of the bar in the back and made myself a few stiff drinks while we rolled towards Decorah.

We Fell

We fell in the fall and drifted through the air...
unsure where to land without having you there.

Stuck

I’m stuck in the world
Where you’re not here but you’re not gone
I cannot touch you
I cannot get you out of my every thought
I want just an hour to pass
Without thinking of you
Missing you
Crying for you
Crying for us
If I could I would make a deal with the devil
I would give anything if it meant
One more moment with you
One more time to have your laughter ring through my ears
One more time to hear your sweet voice say my name
One more time to feel your calloused hand caressing mine
One more time to look into your eyes so you could read my soul
But you left me
And I’m stuck
Trying to wrap up the pieces of the broken hearts we share
They are splintered and shattered everywhere I look
I don’t know how to piece them back together
I don’t know how to get up each morning without you
I don’t know how to let you go
I’m stuck

Isn't You

I know it sounds evil
But I’m glad that you cried
I earned those tears from you
After all the pain you’ve caused me
It’s the least that you could do
I gave you everything I had
Every little part of me I could spare
And you took them with no regard
You never gave anything back
Until I demanded that you return my heart
And finally you wanted to give me your love
A love that no longer does me any good
A love that can only bring me down
A love that was all I ever wanted
A love that now makes my stomach churn
I gave up too much for you
I gave up myself
I forgot who I was and what made me happy
I fooled myself into thinking
That you made me whole
And I won’t be that girl again
I deserve to be complete
And I need someone that loves me when they have me
Not once they lost me
I need someone that is not you.