His Turn

He tells me it’s his turn to wait
and he will, as long as it takes
for he wants nothing more in this world
than for us to be together again
because he can never love another
the way that he loves me
and he’s right, in a way, when he says
that I cannot comprehend the depth of his feelings
it’s been too long since i was under his spell
and could believe the words that fell off his tongue
so I catalog this under
promises that would have come in so handy
years and a million tear drops ago
when I was all his and he couldn’t find the time
to give our love his all.

Muse

You scold me that I have no idea how much you love me
as if I am a child that has written on the walls with magic marker
and cannot comprehend the consequences
of not cleaning up the mess around me in an instant
I know not how to make you see that I choose this mess
and I think it’s beautiful art, unlike the paintings
I used to do for you that were always ruined and streaked with my tears
you are the only one that thinks me wrong
and in my heart I know that what I’m creating now
can never be duplicated or destroyed
you are no longer my muse of love and happiness
you are just a love of the past that I cannot erase.

***
With you there is no rush because when I look into your eyes, it is eternal happiness and love that stares back at me.
***

Calm

lips locked
I breathe through you
siphoning your calm serenity
into my shaking body
I dare not open my eyes
and ruin this glorious moment
you and i
the only people that exist
in this dream
safe from the mad world
that surrounds us daily
I do not have to speak the words
with my kiss you know that
in you lies my every happiness

Wild star

you always said that hearts were magnetic
that’s what drew us together
and kept us that way
no matter how hard or far we tried to run
regardless of knowing what was best
in our tortured minds
our hearts always pulled us back to the other
I always scoffed at your theory
although I could not explain it any better
and nights like these I wish you were right
as I sit on the dock
dipping my cotton-candy painted toes
into the murky night water
speaking to you in the sky
as the tears cascade from my cheeks
and ripple into the waters below
I see a streak across the heavens
you, my wild star,
shooting across the night
and into my heart forever.

***
she said she’s not big on gambling, unless it’s money, because she can budget for that. gambling on love and feelings and hunches never hits jackpot for her and at her age, it’s too hard to recoup the losses.
***

Green Heart

my hearts “going green”
it’s not like I can toss it out
and buy a new one at wal-mart
I have to use the one I have
and make it last
until blood no longer pumps
through the veins
it’s hard some days
thinking of ways to jump start it
so that it doesn’t wither black and die
loving you was like a coronary
and almost killed me
I’ve decided what works for Earth
should work for my heart
reduce the amount I give away
recycle the feelings and memories daily
so that they don’t grow stale
and reuse what is left
for someone else
that will know how to treat me right
and love me in return.

Doodle

I doodle down
a collection of thoughts
regarding our demise
pure and honest
unlike our love
foolish to think
we would survive
something built on lies
that would never disappear
and always haunt
always taunt
me
I doodle in pen
because some things
can’t be erased
like the way I loved you
the way you hurt me
and the anger that resides now
if I look back in 40 years
I want to remember
with an honest mind
exactly what this was
the highs the lows,
not just a foggy recollection
distorted by forgiveness
or longing.
I doodle in pen
as a reminder
to never fall for you
again.

This town

I can see the dim lights
against the night
dancing on the horizon
home is so close
I must face all my ghosts
tonight I cannot be frightened
this town seems too bare
without you there
I choke on my sobs at the thought
I park my car
knowing just where you are
and stumble through the darkness
the plot in the back left
is where we all wept
the day that we bid you goodbye
I sit on the ground
I can’t make a sound
I don’t want to disturb your slumber
but I can’t stop these tears
when you are so near
but not really with us any longer
I feel the wind that you blow
so that I will know
that you’re listening as I speak
I blow you a kiss
it’s nights such as this
that it’s so hard to leave you alone.

Frozen

I see you in the frozen foods aisle
And freeze like the peas next to me
I know not whether to turn and run
Or waltz past you without a care
Before I can decide you spot me
You wave and smile, making your way
Towards me with your cart
I envision playing a game of chicken
Throttling towards you
Using my cart as a dangerous weapon
And knocking you out cold
Like the love we once shared
It seems fitting in this aisle
You tell me I look great
I say I know
It’s the only response I can think of
I will not lie and tell you that you do too
You look tired and worn
I guess life and karma has caught up with you
You chat like we’re old friends
I stare at you, dumbfounded,
Wondering if you forgot the pain
And torture you showered on me
How you impaled my heart with your lies
Deflated my dreams with your deafening tone
And left me to rot alone with the memories
And ‘what if’s’ that I clung to so tightly
You say we should get a beer sometime
That it’s been great catching up
And you miss the laughs we used to share
I tell you that I’d rather get ran over
By an eighteen wheeler with iron spiked tires
That is engulfed in flames
Than to ever share another moment with you again
Then turn and walk away forever.

Jumping

I feel like a wobbly-kneed girl at summer camp again
I remember how the muscles in my body tensed
as I made the walk along the bouncing plank
the sound of my heart beating in my ears
my hands hot and sweaty dangling at my side
so no one can tell how badly they are shaking
the vast pool of possibilities and wonderment
lies, placid, so far below me
I wonder how big of a splash I will make
how long the waves will ripple
if this will be my finest move ever
I know not whether to pry my eyes open
so I can enjoy every second of what’s to come
or shut them tightly and jump
enjoying the unknown adventure of it all…
the music jolts me back to reality
as the double doors swing open
I don’t notice the faces of all that watch me
all I see is you at the end of the aisle
and I take each step with a smile
my eyes wide open and filled with happy tears
so that I don’t miss a solitary moment
of starting our life
jumping in together
as husband and wife.

Broken crystals

The ice covered branches
look like they are made out of
a lonely and cold glass
but when the wind whips through them
it sounds like firewood crackling
in a blazing inferno
the long shards reach towards the house
and scratch their frozen tentacles
against the window pane
screeching and moaning
from the weight upon them
tears drip from their tips
I watch them break from the tree
and shatter upon the ground
into a million tiny crystals
beautiful and broken
never to grow and bloom again
just like my heart
when you left.

Bridge

She dangles precariously
from the bridge
her fingers
which grip the icy metal bar
growing numb
the only thing separating her
from the rocky depths of the water below
is her subsiding will to survive
she’s not sure how much longer
she can fight and hang on
when all she loves
already drowned
in the murky darkness
that waits to swallow her whole
she tries to think of warmer days
brighter and filled with love
days she could breathe deeply
and laugh loudly
and feel alive
but she knows she is slipping
feels it with every blink of her eye
and knows she is about to be washed
away.

***
She said she couldn’t leave the house without paint on her toes even if she was wearing socks. She thought all women should be required by goddess law to do the same so that they felt sexy with every step they took too.
***

Queen

I stand before her majesty
staring at a face that is hard and wise
she looks as if she hasn’t relaxed in years
I wonder if she remembers how to laugh
what a child’s kiss feels like on her nose
if tears can still flow from eyes of stone
if she locks away a great love in her heart
she speaks of things that are not important to me
in a voice that does not beckon me
to smile or even to dare twitch
I stare at the massive crown
nestled into her graying hair
and count the diamonds
that dangle there
thinking that maybe the reason queens
get to wear crowns
is so that something about them
still sparkles
once the sparkle inside them is tamed and buried
for the sake of public service.

***
She blows out the candles and watches as the year fades from flame to smoke and disappears into the air. She figures that is all the time she has to waste on letting go of another year that’s passed when there is so much to do in the next one.
***

Grandma

He was her love of 50 years. I can’t fathom that kind of loss. My attention span is short to say the least and I don’t feel like I’ve ever loved anything for more than a few days. I wonder if that was what caused the empty ache inside my chest some times. I watched my grandmother at his funeral…smiling. Thanking people for their comfort and care. When she was the one in the deepest pain, she spent the day assuring others he was happier now and in a better place. She was making them feel better about her loss. It wasn’t until that night I heard her sobbing in her arm chair. I made my way to her side and asked how she would survive. How she would get up tomorrow knowing he was not there to share their morning coffee. How she would sleep at night without him snoring by her side. How she was not angry that he was gone. She said she would just put on her big girl panties and get by until they could be together again. And as always, I am amazed by her strength and wisdom.

Monsters

I’m not equipped
To handle these monsters
Made of memories
That lurk beneath my bed
Fangs dripping red
From the remnants of our love
As the winter settles in
Freezing the world out
All I want is to curl up
In the warm, inviting comfort
Of my sheets
But I am restless
As I lay there
I have no companion
To keep me safe
I am at the mercy
Of the evil forces
That whisper your name
In the dark of night
And remind my heart
That you have gone
Vanished
Like the summer
I held you near.

Science

I prick my finger
and watch tiny drops of blood
splatter against the white parchment
a letter I wrote to you
the blood is proof
that I’m still alive inside
as far as science is concerned
but some days I wonder
the sparkle that danced in my eyes
you said drew you to me
the first moment our eyes locked
burned out the day
you left
and I am unable to
find anything to light it again
I’m a vacant shell of myself
trapped in this world
searching for you
hoping I’ll wake up
and you’ll still be
breathing next to me
here with me
loving me again.

My turn

It’s not as easy as you would think
to ignore her and her snide remarks,
eyes flashing daggers
and the past that you shared.
She’s right when she says
she knows you better.
We are but a fraction of
the time you spent with her
but that doesn’t mean
I love you any less than she.
You’ve been done for years
but it’s obvious she doesn’t
want to let you go completely.
So that leaves me where?
Dealing with a deranged ex-wife
that will do anything to see us fail,
facing her at holidays,
being compared to her by your family,
and watching her put the kids in
the middle…just to hurt you.
Some days I wonder if it’s worth it
the pain and suffering she causes you
because you chose to be with me.
How can I sit idly by, as this
soap opera unfolds,
knowing it is all my fault?
I wonder if it would be easier
if I would just bow out.
But then I look in your eyes
and know that I love you
too much to let you go
and that we deserve to
be happy and together.
She had her chance.
Now it’s my turn to love you
the right way.

Deposit

I deposit pieces of you
like coins into a piggy bank.
it’s not a lot,
little bits every day,
but I convince myself it will add up
to something significant later.
I keep it handy for the days it feels
like my love account is running
on empty
and I need a boost
to feel exciting
and beautiful and wanted.
I figure that someday,
somehow,
loving you has got to pay off
in some way.

the road

I’ve never wished so hard on a single tank of gas
I didn’t know where I was headed
I just knew I had to leave
I threw the map out the window
and then left it down
feeling the air whip through my hair
at 80 miles an hour
it felt for a second like it was
blowing you off of me
and into another world
for once, I could breathe again
every mile I raced
down that highway
lightened the load
on my shoulders, my mind
and my heart.
it was like someone removed
the blindfold I had been trapped in
and I could see
for the first time in years…
I could finally see the road ahead of me
free of you.

Souvenir

You don’t know what it’s like
so many nights
I would sit waiting for your call
and once I decide I don’t need
to hear your voice say my name…
there it is. Once a comforting
sound, now haunting, reminding
me of things I could never forget.
Off us. Or you and me. Together
but so far apart. Different. Stubborn.
If only…
You always seem to love me more
when I’m gone. That’s a sick sign,
I know. But still comforting on the
cold nights I sit alone in my tiny
apartment, tiny me, in this enormous
city. Sometimes I feel it will swallow
me whole. And it’s you I want near.
But you’re not here. You never will
be…and if I don’t come home, then
what? Years of phone tag? Or worse,
what if I did come home? Phone tag
replaced by occasional visits still void
of love? I can’t be with you there.
I can’t be with you when I’m here.
And I won’t let you keep my heart
as a souvenir
of the past and times we shared. It’s
mine and you have no right to it. So
don’t call when you notice I haven’t.
Stay there, it makes you happier than
I could. And let me go on being myself,
myself without you.
I like me better that way.

tears

falling
slowly
softly
flowing
due to
gravity
lies told
love lost
hearts broke

She can

I watch you with her
and I try to recall
the love that you once showed me
lost, it seems
useless, I know
racking my brain
for feelings grown cold
trying to hang on
to what we once had
dreaming, regretting
all those years
and the result that
was so unseen,
to myself.
I never thought
you’d tire of me,
get sick of my faults,
let resentment override
your love.
Through wiser eyes
I now can see
we both loved,
made mistakes,
gave up too soon.
There is no peace
in me to see
a smile on your face
no wishing you the best
of life, love and happiness.
Instead, I feel
cheated,
hurt,
cold,
jealous,
that I couldn’t please you
and she can.

Here

Here in my arms
that’s where you should be…
not there,
with her,
in her house,
in her bed,
in her embrace.
Here in my heart
is where you’ll always stay…
in my thoughts,
in my words,
in my tears,
in my dreams.

Take it out on me

Take it out on me
I am strong
and wild
and free.
a terrible person
immature,
just like my mother
you said.
if it makes you feel good,
belittle me
call me satan’s spawn
push away your family
farther
farther
farther…
can you feel it?
love and devotion
bending and breaking
no sympathy for you
any longer
you are, to most, a lost cause.
sick they say,
and I am too…
sick of your
cruelty, hatred,
egotism, self-righteousness.
you are no better than I
your eldest granddaughter
who once loved you
respected you
honored you…
no longer.
I see now
through wiser eyes
the more you try to hide your faults
the more apparent they become.
keep on pushing,
I dare you
then who will you push
when you’re all alone?
a sad, deranged man
who thinks he has the answers to it all.
how will it feel when you realize
nothing really matters
when there is no one left
to mourn your death
or your life?
no love
no one.
if you must,
take it out on me.

31 years

You lay in your bed,
pale and weak,
near your death.
I can sense all your pain
through your shortness of breath.
As tears fill your eyes
you reach for my hand.
I step back.
It has been 31 years
since we have spoken
yet I can recall every word last exchanged.
Your pain doesn’t hurt me.
Instead I wonder,
does it feel the same as my own?
Is your heart abandoned?
Your pride slaughtered?
Your love betrayed?
Does regret plague your mind?
Do you remember the day
your words pushed me too far?
And I left you,
a wreck,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs in my throat,
questions in my mind,
my broken heart in my palm,
my family shattered.
For 31 years
I could not forgive,
I could not forget,
I could not go home.
Now I’ve been called here
to say goodbye to
someone I said goodbye to long ago
and I’m not the same girl I once was.
I am grown now
and I’ve grown away from you
not part of you,
like most would do.
But do not be fooled.
I great because of you,
because I had to.
I learned to grow
out of isolation,
without love,
across a page of family...
blank.
And when my children ask
who their great grandfather is
I say he is sick,
he does not know right from wrong,
he is depressed.
They look at me
with confused eyes,
innocent smiles,
wondering why it is
that I cannot love my grandfather
like they do their own.
I cannot explain to them
that I don’t want to.
There is too much pain,
too much suffering
in my past
and it is not theirs.
It is mine to bare
with the grandfather who lies before me
dying, pleading, begging
for my love and forgiveness
31 years too late.

Love led her here

She rocks gently,
to and fro, to and fro…
days of long labor
and eight children lie in her wrinkles.
She recalls with a tear
the way that life changes
and she pities those
who strive to control the uncontrollable,
which is just about everything.
She remembers the day
she saw his towering figure approach,
felt her heart in her throat
as she fell in love.
She fingers the charm around her neck
that once symbolized
their love and commitment,
a circle that she could not break.
She stares at her arm
and the scar above the right elbow
and recalls how he threw her from
their moving station wagon in 1964.
She cringes at the helplessness she felt
as he raped and ravaged her shaking body,
Christmas morning, 1970,
as their eight children played downstairs.
She regrets the way that she allowed herself
to be belittled, degraded, humiliated
over and over again for 40 years.
But what could a woman do?
Then it was her duty, her fault, her silent secret.
She stuck it out, raised their kids best she could
and saw her youngest baby through college.
Then she took what little she had;
a picture and frame, a tattered bible,
and the ounce of pride she kept hiding.
She left him, his cruel ways,
and the hell that love had led her to.

Dust in the corners

You’re always there,
like the dust
in the tiniest corner of my bedroom
that no amount of cleaning
can quite reach.
Lurking…
you watch me,
silent
you wait for me to find you.
I don’t have to look
because I can feel you there
always.
I just prefer to pretend
that you are gone
out of the corners of my heart
off the pages of my mind
and that I can live wholly
without you
someday.

Letter

I mailed you a letter today
no stamp or return address.
I’m guessing it will end up in the
same pile as those marked
to santa claus or the easter bunny.
That’s ok with me.
I had to send it.
Your silence is a deafening defense
and I had to break it,
had to have the last word,
regardless of whether you
know I did or not.
I asked all the questions
I was never brave enough
to speak.
I told you all of the things
I yearned to scream
all of these years.
I laid it all out there
as if I was letting you go
and not vice versa.
Yet, when I closed,
I still signed it with
love
for I knew no other way
to end it.

Playground

Shortly after midnight her eyes shut and the nurse gave us the nod. Her pain was over. Ours had just begun. I wondered out the house, through the dimly lit streets of a town I once called my own. Everything I saw had a piece of her etched upon it. I had barely a memory of my childhood without her in it. I found myself at the playground we had practically grown up on, running my fingers down the cold steel slide. It felt like the hand I had held in mine minutes ago, blue and lifeless. This was never just a slide to us. It was a mountain, an escape route, a secret passage, a trap door shoot to another world…the only limit of this slide was our imagination. I sat upon the middle swing. I always had to have the middle swing and she would be on my right side. I wish I would’ve given her the middle swing once in awhile. She would’ve loved being the center of attention for a moment or two.

If I closed my eyes, I could hear the laughter of 8 year olds ringing throughout the gray sky that surrounded me. I could almost hear her calling my name as we jumped off the swings, into the air and raced towards the merry-go-round. “Wait for me, Sissy!” she would exclaim as we leapt aboard the spinning monster that we thought was a time machine. So many times I should’ve stopped and waited for her. Instead, I ran ahead and landed in places across the world, while she waited for me to return home and tell her of my adventure. I never realized how the adventure would’ve been so much greater if she had been at my side the entire time, instead of waiting here. She should’ve made her own adventures across the globe, or even the galaxy!

But then again, some days I think her adventures far surpassed mine. For she had adventures I would never know of a child growing inside her, love at first sight the day he was born, and the trials and pride she felt while watching him sprout into a real live boy. It made sense to me now. I was always Indiana Jones and she wouldn’t go anywhere without her doll. Feeding it, loving it and protecting it from whatever monsters or aliens or evil demons we came across. She was meant to be a mother. She was so good at it. More than I could ever be. Now, with her passing, I had no choice but to be a mother to her little boy and hope I don’t fail either of them miserably. And I must keep my promise that I will always bring him to our playground.

string cheese

he peels my heart apart
like strips of string cheese
he can devour for an afternoon snack.

Inside

Inside is where I want to stay
inside your heart
your mind
your arms
where it is safe and warm.
flesh on flesh
your breath on my cheek
your kiss on my lips
your hand on my hip.
it is here,
while you sleep next to me,
that I feel most alive.

Sold

I choke on your exhaust
and the words that drip,
slick like oil,
from your tongue.
Your eyes are smudged
and glassed over,
incapable of the tears
that could cleanse the hurt away.
I don’t believe blood runs
through your veins anymore
just a cold, black sludge
that houses all the deceit you sold.
The excuses, the lies, the hollow I love you’s…
I bought and swallowed it whole.
Sold!!
to the biggest sucker…
me.