Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Hagebakke Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving. I’m heading home to spend the holidays with the family but you won’t be there with us. You won’t be playing cards and eating too much food. Sprawling out on the couch and yelling at the football games. No watching you play with the kids, as if you were one of them that never grew up. Our very own Peter Pan. No, we won’t get to see you there this year…but we will feel you. In every conversation, hollow laugh and tear drop. We will know that you’re in the room, watching us. And even though it will be loud and crowded, it will never have felt so empty as it will this year without your smile. This is the holiday that we are supposed to be thankful. How can we give thanks for an autumn with so much pain and grief? How can we celebrate the year that we lost you? You should be here with us. We should be showering you with the love you didn’t want to believe was there, instead of sending our thoughts to heaven and hoping you catch them.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry for being so selfish
For always thinking of myself and my feelings
I know that is not the way that love works
You of all people have shown me that
I should never have let him in
Whispering doubts in the corners of my mind
Releasing his poison into my blood and heart
Allowing me to doubt in us for a moment
I know that you are the one for me
You bring me more happiness than I have ever known
More joy than I ever thought possible
More love than I have ever deserved
You had one simple request
To love you with my entire heart
The way that you loved me
That’s all you asked for
And I almost ruined everything
I don’t know why I thought 95% would be enough
You deserve a million times that
I’m so sorry for hurting you
I do love you with everything that I am
And I will spend the rest of my days
Proving to you that you are and always will be
The only one in my heart.

Friday, November 13, 2009


I feel hollow
Like a rotted out tree
Nothing inside to keep me from cracking and falling to the ground
You destroyed me
Like a termite
Feeding on me for your own pleasure
How could you claim you loved me
And then ravage me from the inside out?
I’m but a former shell of myself
No more magnificence or vibrant colors
My limbs and leaves don’t sway in the wind anymore
You stopped the breeze from dancing with me
I gave you everything inside me
You ate until you had your fill
Then moved on to ruin the next
Leaving me alone and hollow


I wasn’t sure how to get out of bed this morning
I didn’t know if I had the strength to face this day at all
I can hardly remember my life without you in it
Today was going to be a harsh reminder of that time
Today there is no choice but to go on living without you

One foot in front of the other, I told myself
It can’t be that hard
And I pulled my sleepy body from the warmth
Of the bed we once shared
To face the cold of the world alone

And cold it was, when I walked out the door
The briskness of dawn sweeping through my coat
I pulled it tighter around me
Just like I used to do with your arms

I looked to the sky, wanting to scream your name
To the heavens and the neighbors and anyone that could hear me
When I did, I saw the most amazing sunrise
The sky was burnt with hues of orange, fuschia and purple
Its beauty nearly took my breath away
I sat down on the lawn and stared in awe
Knowing, like you, it would not last forever

I wanted to take it all in
Sketch a picture in my mind that could never be erased
Just like I should’ve done with you
Before you left this world to paint me sunrises from heaven

Cliff Note

You almost caught me again
In your web of lies and unfulfilled promises
How easily I could have fallen
I stood on the edge of the cliff
Toes dangling over
Pebbles falling into the abyss
The faintest of breezes
Could’ve knocked me down
Back into your arms
Where I know I don’t belong any longer
You and I were just a dream
A dream that was too good to be true
Never to be a reality
You are not the man I wanted you to be
You are no longer my dream

Friday, November 6, 2009

Dead Dandelion

I watch it dance along the wind
White tentacles stretching lazily in every direction
Blissful and at peace
Bobbing through the air
Teasing me to follow it on its great adventure
Once it was a flower
Bound to the ground by stem and roots
Picked by children and rubbed across their rosy cheeks
They say it dies when the color fades
And the pedals disappear
But I believe that’s when it truly lives
No longer chained down
Free to be light and magical
And follow the wind
Never to return to the same time and place
I envy the journey
Of this flowers death
For it has finally found freedom

In The Garage

We stand, awkwardly in the garage,
Not sure what is left to say.
Your eyes are burning through the top of my head
As you stare my direction, waiting
I prefer to look down and watch my feet shuffle and sweep
the dirty garage floor
I can’t believe I wore these shoes to see you.
“So?” you ask quietly in a whisper that took my breath away
so many times before.
“So what?” I pretend I do not know what you are getting at.
You lean against the car next to me,
Your hips barely brushing against mine
You place your head upon my shoulder and let out a sad sigh
I’m not sure my heart can take this
I play with the zipper on my sweatshirt
and ask about your baseball team that’s in the playoffs,
as if I care at all.
You know how much I despise that team.
You take my hand in yours and cup my chin with the other,
forcing me to look into those piercing crystal eyes.
They are welling with tears
Mine soon match, knowing those tears are on my behalf.
“Just tell me what I have to do to make you love me again.”
You plead that you will do whatever it takes.
I remind you that you weren’t willing to do anything
when I needed it from you the most.
You tell me to stop bringing up the past and focus on the future.
All I can tell you is that there is no future.
I flinch when you toss your favorite cap across the oil-streaked floor
and run your frustrated hands across your newly shaven head.
I quickly wipe away the lone tear that has escaped down my cheek.
I swore I would never cry for you again.
You quickly take the blame for the past and tell me how much you love me.
You touch my face again and say “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me”
I swallow what feels like Mt. Saint Helens going down the back of my throat.
“I do love you. I will always love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
You think it’s because of him.
There is nothing I can say to make you realize that it’s all because of you.
You couldn’t love me like you promised me you were going to.
You never even tried until it was too late. And even now,
your effort, although valiant, is a miserable attempt at what should come so easy…
if you truly felt that way about me with all your heart and soul.
But you don’t. I know this. As much as you want to.
As much as you’ve convinced yourself you do.
You say you’ve never loved anyone like you love me.
I don’t doubt you.
But you have a lot to learn about what it takes to love someone right.
It pains me to leave you alone like this with tears on your cheeks,
standing in a dirty and dark garage, grasping to what we once had.
I never thought I would walk away from you
But I have to now.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Cut the String

You tell me you’re glad I’m strong and that I can do it for the both of us.
Funny, I don’t feel strong at all when it comes to you.
I wish that my heart were made of steel.
Every time we speak it feels like a tiny pin poking a hole through me
And my heart starts to bleed out for you.
Is the bandage I apply each time just a temporary fix?
There has to be a day ahead where I don’t love you,
When you won’t have any effect on me,
When it doesn’t hurt so badly to tell you no.
I know what I want and need and where my future lies
You are not in that picture.
So why do I cling to that string from the past?
I need to cut the string and tuck it in an envelope,
Seal it shut and hide it away.
But when I try to cut it, you fight and grasp tighter,
Hanging on for dear life,
As if losing me completely will be your demise.
That is so unfair of you to do to me.
It’s unfair of me to let you.
I’ve begged you to cut yourself loose but you refuse.
I must make this final cut so that my heart can finally heal from you.