Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I back into the darkest crevices
of this cave
and hold my breath
scared to make the slightest sound.
I can feel you out there
hunting me
sniffing the air for my scent
following it here
where I hide from you.
a shadow casts
across the opening
and I can hear the
faintest steps
being laid upon the snow.
the tiny hairs on my neck
rise like saluting soldiers
calling for their master.
my heart beats with such thunder
I’m sure that it may cause an
but that’s a better option
than being out there in the wild
and being hunted by you again.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


December chases me
like a mouse in a dark alley
being run down by a
monster truck
with flood lights blinding
closing in on me
as I gasp for breath and
zig zag from wall to wall
past the soup kitchen
under the dumpster
I cannot retreat
nor climb these brick walls
my only hope is to outlast
and outrun
I try to block out
memories of past decembers
sure that if I carry them with me
they will surely weigh me down
and I cannot afford to
lose any time in this race
I am battered and bruised
but I can see the end
only a few more days
I need to survive
and then
I can enjoy 11 months
without you.


we loved to blow bubbles
as children
and dance across the yard
hand in hand
keeping out the demons
with our laughter.
it was easy then.
the popup tent was our
safe base
no one could hurt us there.
in our minds
it was an invisible fortress
no enemy could plunder.
we were family
we were friends
we were invincible.
I would give anything
to go back to my youth
with all of you by my side
blowing bubbles in the wind
chasing the dog around the yard
laughing until our sides hurt
and hiding from our parents.
we would have no responsibility
not a care in the world
except who got the biggest glass of milk
and what kind of jelly
would accompany our peanut butter sandwich
when they finally dragged us in for lunch
and you, you would still be alive,
the light in our tribe
now the dark spot on our hearts
that we cannot let go.

Monday, December 28, 2009


The glow of the candles dim
as I listen to the clock
tick tock the seconds off.
I run my fingers across the
smooth pink satin
that rests against my skin
but there is not enough material
on this lingerie to keep me warm
so I grab a blanket
and wrap it around my shoulders.
I sip the wine that now tastes
a bit like my mood…
that you are not yet home.
Another year passed
another anniversary
you missed
while I waited.


He cried at the door, warning me not to venture outside without my mittens. I told him that his love was all I needed to keep me safe and warm and I would wear it like a mitten around my heart. He told me that was stupid and it wouldn’t save me from frostbite…sometimes children are way too practical.

Candy Land

He offered me his hand,
With a twinkle in his eye,
And soft rosy cheeks,
Beckoning me to follow him.
He would take me on
A glorious adventure
Through the peppermint forest,
Over gumdrop mountain,
Past the lollipop woods
And the gingerbread trees
To the candy castle
Where we would spend hours
In each other’s arms
Enjoying the sweetness
In a magical world
Where nothing mattered
But happiness and love
And the person you
Had at your side.
So I followed him
And found that
None of the treats he promised
Would ever come to bloom
And that the candy castle
Is a big piece of shit lie
That melts when it rains
Tears from my eyes.

Open it up

I wish you had a flip-top head
So I could open it up
And peer inside
Your inner thoughts
And mind games.
I would tinker around
Like a mad scientist
Working on its greatest
I would memorize
Your happy places
And everything that
Makes you smile.
I would super glue the
Broken and shattered pieces
Of your past,
Rewire the strings
So that I could understand
What makes you tick
And make sure
That I am always on your mind.
There would be no more surprises
When you open your mouth and
No more fumbling phrases
To catch me off guard
Or rip my fragile heart apart.
I would finally know
Just how you work
And how your jumbled thoughts
Come to be.
I would fix that mind of yours
So that you were no longer confused
And make sure you see
That it’s me who
You should keep
By your side for


The flesh eating wind
whips white blankets
of powdery snow
across the fields
drifting from the ditches
on both sides of the highway.
You have both hands on the wheel
staring intently out the windshield.
I, in the passenger seat,
cannot bear to look at the road
before us
that is filled with so much danger.
Instead, I close my eyes
and wish with every fiber of my being
that we were back where we started…
the place it began…
where the sun shone bright and warm
and smiles covered our faces.
It was so long ago.
I open one eye and glance at you
wondering when it was
that I stopped knowing
the man by my side.
You grumble something about the tires
and continue on your path
oblivious to me
and indifferent to the subject
of if we should continue to travel together.
We ride in the car
watching the roads drift over
and watching our love drift away.


I’m staring at the picture
Framed and gathering dust
Along the bottom corners
Of the tractor they parked
On the church lawn
The day we buried you.
The old 4020
You loved so much
It was a part of you
A part of all of us.
To watch you and your joy
As your road the green beast
Lazily down winding country roads
To the fields that
Always called your name.
They brought you worry
And stress at times
But always
Riding that tractor
And working your farm
Brought you joy.
Hard for some to comprehend
How long day and toil
Could make someone happy
But never hard to understand
For those who knew.
It was a part of you
Like your missing hand
Your crooked smile
The freckles on your face
The love in your eyes
For farm, family and friends.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Heart on ice

The ice stands
like a force field between us
I can see into it
but not get through
your heart is frozen inside
and I am unable to thaw it
only you
can warm it
back to beating and alive
if you chose to
but perhaps you enjoy
the cold and bitter home
you have made for it now
a defensive case
so that no one can
touch or injure it
keep it on ice if you chose
I prefer mine to beat
lively and full of love
that is, after all,
what hearts were made for…
I will risk getting it broken
as long as it can beat
and has a chance of
warming another.

Monday, December 21, 2009

our war

I’ve worked so hard
for a pittance of your heart
a fraction of your soul
fighting, clawing, gnawing
covered in blood and tears
my flesh ripped open
while you depredate my being.
my friends tire
of bandaging my wounds
only for me to return
from your battle
my spirit deflated,
my body more bloodied than before.
I wonder why you won’t put me out
of my misery
when you know I cannot do it myself
rather than continuing this torture
you seem to feed upon.
one final, decisive blow
is all that we would need
to finish this raging war
between us.
I beg you to take mercy on me,
your love, your enemy,
and end this hurt.

Cock Fights

we stood in the kitchen
rummaging through
a collection of years
spent together.
I gave him the toaster.
he let me have the waffle maker
that I claimed changed my life.
plates and dishes and soup ladles
being separated
like children to an orphanage.
our eyes fell upon
the ceramic rooster set at the same time.
I called it first.
he called it louder.
a Christmas gift from a friend
that neither of us wanted
now, it was a gold mine,
the ultimate prize
only to spite the other.
voices thundering
against ceramic tiles
a cock fight of our own
in a cold kitchen
that was once our home.
I pull out the tear trick
and he relents a bit
saying the roosters are mine
if he can have the kitten
that we just adopted.
that dirty bastard!
how unfair was that?!?
but I could not retreat.
so I agreed and grabbed
the nearest thing I could find…
“take it! I get the roosters…
AND I’m taking this banana!!!”
I shook it fiercely in the air between us
as if it was a weapon
that could take his life.
he stepped backwards,
reaching for the kitten,
as I threw the roosters and bananas
into my last box
and stormed out the door

This vagabond heart

My heart wasn’t made for one.
It’s much more like a vagabond or gypsy
roaming around
seeking adventure and
stirring up trouble
never wanting to be tied down.
You tell me this is odd and
that I will regret this
years down the road,
letting my heart be free
and traveling.
You said a woman should find
a good home for her heart
and keep it there,
using words like
“safe” and “sound”
for “eternity”.
Instead I hear
boring, boring and dull.
It’s like buying a majestic kite
and tying it to a tree in your front yard
for only you to enjoy on days that
it catches the wind.
What is the point?
A kite is made to blow free
and go where the wind takes it
just like my vagabond heart.

Love in the hood

It wasn’t a fairytale love
that we shared
nothing to write a movie about
but it was a love, nonetheless,
that was deep and true.
you see, in the hood,
your man doesn’t call you
sugar or poo-bear or princess.
his terms of endearment for me
were babe, boo, and homeskillet
and at the time
and in that place
those meant more than any
other names he could have
whispered to me in the dark
because I knew I had his heart
and he would always have my back
through rain or shine
no matter what that entailed.
life isn’t always ponies
and a pocket full of posies here
but if I needed someone
roughed up or
was short on cash
my boo
would always come through
for me.
unconditional love
is a very relative term.


I’m pretty sure I ordered this sunny-side-up and not scrambled but as I stare into this skillet of my life, it seems that sometimes God doesn’t listen very well when you’re placing orders.

The Bells

I watch from above, my head in between the banister rails like a jailhouse window as she dances through the glass door and into the foyer. In one swift move her coat slips off of her shoulders and flies through the air, ringing the rack and causing it to sway. She grabs it, into her arms, like a lost dance partner of her younger years and giggles. I watch her and the coat rack swing around the entry way like a cartoon romance. “I do very well today, sir. Thank you for asking.” She sets her coat rack man back up in the corner and curtseys, thanking him for the dance. “You have lovely moves yourself.” She winks and then glides into the living room. I tip toe quickly down the stairs and peek around the corner. She stands in front of the mantle, one finger caressing the corners of his framed picture. “Do you hear that, sugar?” my grandmother asks, without turning around to face me. How she always hears me even when I’m quite like a mouse blows me away. I come around the corner and stand at her side, looking up at his picture. “Did you hear the Christmas bells he played for you?” I shake my head, knowing I will disappoint her again. I can never hear the bells she speaks of. “Well, he’s playing them for you. Just keep listening. Promise me, you will always keep listening.” I promise her I will, like I do every year and then we join my parents, hand in hand, for our Christmas dinner. We eat and laugh and open presents and as always, I miss Grandpa as I listen for the bells.

Paper clip

I twirled the giant metal paper clip
clumsily between my fingers.
I watched it somersault
amidst my flesh
like it was a magic meteor
with dazzling lights
and reflections full of promise.
It was the only object I could use
to keep my eyes off of you
across the table
a stranger that I used to love.
They passed me another packet,
with a smaller paper clip,
and I traced around the smooth edges
with my pen
making a design of half moons
and swirls.
You clear your throat,
drawing me away from my doodling,
and forcing me to make eye contact.
Your stare is blank and cold.
My eyes are hot with tears.
How is it that 12 years with you
is only held together now
by a paper clip?
No love, no laughter, no more family.
And once I sign my name
it will all be gone.
I do as my lawyer instructs
and stare at the cursive curves
of your last name one more time,
as mine.
Then slide the paper clip
into my pocket
so that I will always remember
this day
that we signed our love away.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I stumbled out the steel door
into the alley
gasping for the cool night air,
my mind intoxicated by
the music inside
and the martini’s
pulsating through my veins.
I saw him
leaning against the brick wall
one leg against it
and one on the ground
hotboxing his Newport
with one hand
and holding a brown bag special
in the other.
He smiled at me
like a lion about to pounce
and the sense of danger
was erotic.
He asked if I wanted to go
somewhere else,
with him,
and spice up the night.
I knew exactly what he wanted
and told him to lead the way.
When we got to his car
I asked him his name,
thinking I should know something
about this stranger that was
about to rock my world.
“It’s Dwight,” he said.
“Dwight Dingleberry.”
And I knew in an instance that I
had just left a headbangers ball
for a beer garden polka.
Fuck my luck.

Summer 1996

so hot
it felt like the sun
might melt
our faces off.
riding horses
through the woods
dodging majestic oaks
like they were a battlefield
full of iron clad soldiers,
their limbs like rods
that threatened to dethrone us.
but our dynamic duo
always arrived at the other side
near the creek
victorious and unscathed in this game.
we would meander through the grass
onto the rock you called
“lulu limestone”
that hung over the water
where we dipped our toes
talking of becoming
astronauts, rockstars
or the Czar of Russia,
if they ever brought that position back.
Your dreams,
never small, never ordinary,
always brilliant
in the eyes of your little sister.
I never dreamt as well as you
but I loved seeing the world
through your remarkable eyes…
so full of possibility and promise.
there was nothing that would ever
stop you from achieving greatness.
The summer you almost made me believe
that I too could be anything I wanted.
The summer that you left this earth
and me all alone.
I told everyone you were not gone.
That you merely took a rocketship
to heaven and would be back for me.
And every summer I ride here
perched upon lulu
staring at the sky
waiting for you to return to get me.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Whore

Woman of lust,
polish and paint
walk the city
where a lusting creature
struts in waiting
like a dog in heat
for a whiff
for a fuck with you.

Come to the blood rising
in your brain and limbs
to the fierce pounding heart
Whore woman
of stale stench
with ice in your veins
and coins in your stockings
to the men who wait
like a lump
until your touch
yanks them from silence.

then come
unwrap your fantasies
as you intertwine your bodies
and leave your wad
of bills
on the bed
for her,
as you leave with a smile.

Apartment 3C

A half moon hangs
on a pole near the corner.
It’s artificial rays leading me
onto the next block
as my feet crunch along
the white sugar
that God has dusted
off of the stars
and sprinkled
on the sidewalk.

I am the only marks
on natures purest
The wind whirls
around me and
dances with my
tattered scarf…
some days it feels
like a noose around
my neck.
I trudge onward
to the cold confines
of the place where
I sleep, bathe and
eat with not a soul
in sight
in a dwelling I could
call home.


I wanted so badly
to believe that you could be
true to one woman who could
capture your heart.
I did this to myself.
You never said I was the only one.
My eyes distorted the message you sent
with each look,
each kiss,
each smile.
I read between the lines
when there were no lines to be read.
A look isn’t love
a kiss isn’t a contract
a smile isn’t forever,
I fooled myself into
believing I had it all.
An empty page of your heart
I painted without
your permission for
the sake of justifying
the lust, the fuck,
we share.
created by one,
trapped on the middle
of a burning bridge
with no way to retreat
or advance
my heart to safety.

The Water

Spiders etch
their story of
and loneliness
across the corners
of this cabin.
Dust has collected
on the countertops
and my heart.
The lake doesn’t
glisten through
the trees anymore
instead its sparkling
invitation lures the
innocent to death
and danger.
The waters you loved
that swallowed you
last year
haunt me,
blind me,
as I stare
at the portrait of
you and i
on the wall,
perched upon
the new boat
we used only once
that now sits locked
in the shed
like the love
in my heart
meant only for you.

Bits & Pieces

She said I’ll have more time to love myself now that I’m not so busy trying to love him.

She wouldn’t have to tell you what makes her happy if you were paying attention to her smiles.

Some days when I’m in your arms I hold my breath because I’m afraid if my heart fills with any more love, I simply might combust.

She told me one of these days she was going to make a difference in the world. Odd, she never realized what a difference she had made in our little world.

In her innocent infant smile we all believed that we could be a better person.

The thing about being an aunt is that the sillier you are and the louder your toy, the cooler you become. Not many other jobs have that perk.

The day you left this world I went out into the night and chased the air amongst the fire flies, trying to catch a bit of your soul in my jar.

I’ve found that the real treasures in life that are worth fighting for and keeping cannot be caught in a net, they can only be stored in your heart.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I can’t tell if it’s colder in the house or outside in the blizzard
Your shoulder is like an iceberg
I can’t get around it, over it, or through it
But I can sure feel it.
It leaves my heart sinking like the Titanic.
How exactly do you want me to react?
Grovel at your feet?
Try my best to ignore it?
Throw the coldness back at you?
What will that accomplish?
I wish I knew how this collision happened
Where the hell did this mammoth mountain come from?
And why didn’t I mean enough to you to talk it through from the get
So we could’ve avoided this bitter and cold winter we’ve found.


I wait…
Inches away from the mistletoe
For you to make your entrance
Hoping to be the first girl to catch you there
Tonight and for eternity.
All the sultry glances you’ve given me
Where I quickly turned away
Lunch hours spent at my desk
Drink invitations I’ve never been bold enough to accept...
This is a new year
And a new me
So I shall not slink away from my feelings
Any longer.
When you enter this party tonight
And I meet you under the mistletoe
You will be aware of all my inner desires.
I will apologize for taking so long to respond
You will say better late than never
And we shall sneak out the back door
Away from this boring office party
Off together at last.
I giggle with delight at the mere thought of
Your lips upon mine.
My skipping heart nearly beats out of my chest
When I see you walk through the door
And then it drops
Like an anchor into Arctic seas
You, holding hands with a woman,
Introducing her as your fiancé
Yet you dare to send a sweet smile and wink my way
When you realize I’m watching.
This is not the way I had hoped to start my new year
Sneaking out the back door of this office party
All by myself, again.


He asked me to his company Christmas party and then begged that I try, for once, to blend in. I told him if that was the case, that I regretfully decline as camouflage just wasn’t my color.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I remember the day we spent at the orchard
On a blanket in the shade
Watching the branches sway
Under the safe fortress of those trees
No one could touch us
Or hear us
Or know
That we were hiding away
You climbed to the top
And picked me the most perfect, juicy and delicious
One you could find
Then handed it to me to enjoy for a moment
When I had finished
I knew that no other would ever do again
I had reached the peak of perfection
Now the winter has taken over
And the orchard is barren
Rotted apple carcass scattered on the ground
There is no beauty to be found
I lay on the cold earth
Under our tree
And empty of love
Like the branches above.
Wishing for anything to make you next to me
Knowing that no other would ever do.
I had reached the peak of perfection with you.


You hijack my mind
Like a terrorist on a mission
Determined to see me crash and burn
You cannot bear the thought of me
Having one moment without you
Not realizing at all
That if you succeed in my demise
I will finally be eternally free of you
Which is my only wish.


I used to know you
now I don’t
I used to cry
but now I won’t
I’ve let go of
the heart I owned
determined to make it
on my own
Years have passed
before my eyes
once filled with love
now full of lies
I have seen you
melt away
further from me
with each day
Until I found
I cannot pretend
to be your lover
or your friend
Instead it seems
the love we had
has withered, rotted,
turned so bad
And I am left
with feelings void
in a place where I
had once felt joy
But I won’t despair
just hurry on
I know it’s best
if I am gone.

Happy Meal

Bright orange marigolds fill the
planter in front of McDonalds
a melted mixture of the
red building and golden arches
flared like the bottom
of a bottle rocket in a bed of
chalky white rocks.
A comfort, an invitation, like being a child
at grandmothers all over again.
Past the 99 cent quarter pounder
plastered window a child sits
with her parents, waiting for her
“happy meal”. She pulls out the
cookies first, then the rubbery
chicken nuggets, bypassing the fries
as she searches frantically for
the plastic toy she knows is always there,
as her father reads the paper and her mother
races through a list of things she must get done
this week. Neither of them noticing each other
or her. Or that the head as fallen off of her brand new
mini Barbie. But she doesn’t cry, or make a fuss,
simply slides it under the table…
she knows there will be a new toy next week…
same time, same place at their happy family meal.

A rope called love

I have not forgotten,
eighteen and still holding
onto dreams you left behind.
You said I was home base
and rushed out into the night
to conquer life
and fulfill your wildest dreams.

Her, like the Berlin wall built between us,
with straw colored hair and deep emerald eyes.
You had no choice.
The straight path you walked away on,
chasing after her
without glancing back.
I have not forgotten,
twenty-six and holding
a faded letter that you wrote
to tell me goodbye.

Second thoughts,
you had none.
I saw you changing…
dimmer, smaller,
as you become lost
to my naked eye.
Your footsteps now abolished
through the changing
of the earth’s seasons
and every minute that passes.
The line between us
growing thin.
Almost invisible.
Yet hope lingers.
I am home base,
go where you will.

Love will never grow

I don’t know what the priest had been saying about his life.
At lunch we all grieved.
Pasts, memories on memories,
but oh the “you have our sympathies”.
My brain erupting with a father
lying, drunk at my graduation,
inviting his whore into our house,
smiling, concealing,
but I saw the evil shadow
that fell across
his stubbled face.

Mother was a mass of Kleenex and sobs,
my sisters
weeping at her side.
But not I. Am I not human?
Why couldn’t I recall the happy times?
The softball games,
the brand new pink bike
with the yellow banana seat
and basket on handlebars…
riding down the gravel drive
with pigtails flying,
as you promised not to let me fall.

And so I sat…waiting…
it was not too late
for tears to fall
like a cleansing counselor.

Mother begins to glide between full tables
thanking people who came to the church.
Then, the family I have left,
trods out to a mound of cold earth,
where I set my flower down
and I know
it will never grow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Next to me

My weary head rests
Upon your chest
My tears spatter your skin
Your wipe them away
Say it will all be okay
And give me that smile again
A sweet gentle kiss
Right on my lips
There’s no other place I’d rather be
Wrapped in your arms
Safe from all harm
Happiness is you next to me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What I can do

I want you to have all the happiness in the world
but it is not a gift I can wrap up for you in a bow.
I’ve tried before. Racked my brain for ways
to make you smile. It is only now I realize
that is not for me to do. Or anyone else.
I can’t make you see how blessed you are.
Or how much love surrounds you.
All I can do is pray every night when I close my eyes
that your eyes will open and you will see it for yourself.

To You I Wish

To you I wish
the moon and stars
a thousand whispers
in the dark
laughter ringing
in your ears
a million days
free of tears
the touch of someone
that is true
who gives her love
like I have you
a hundred kisses
on your brow
one to hold you
and know just how
to make your heart skip
and erase your fear…
I wish my love
on you my dear.


You don’t have to pretend
this is hard on you for my sake.
Walk away now while
I still have some pride
and happy memories.
Don’t say there is no one to blame
and that we’ll always be friends
for you and I both know that
it never works out that way.
Instead, leave me,
like you had planned,
before you came tonight,
so that tomorrow I can try to move on.
Don’t look back at my tear stained face.
Looking back is always bad luck
and it’s not a good picture to have in your head.
If you do, you may feel guilt for
the heartache you caused me
and the love you threw away without a care.
I don’t want it to be as hard on you
as it is on me. At least one of us
should be happy that it turned out this way.
No, keep your hug and your kiss that
you want to desperately to deliver
just one last time.
I want to remember it the way it was…
a token of our love,
not a gesture of your goodbye.

Faded Valentine

There’s a shoebox on the top shelf of the closet.
A secret kept from all, containing her most valuable treasures.
Pictures of a young girl wearing a red dress, white sandals and pigtails.
She’s next to a young boy with dark hair, rosy cheeks and buck teeth.
Later, portraits of the same pair,
different now with braces and make-up and pimples.
Letters exchanged, tucked neatly below,
white paper turned yellow with age,
creases worn from a thousand readings.
And at the very bottom,
a faded valentine.
Once red and vibrant like her dress,
spotted by candy hearts,
whose words made her heart pitter-patter
with hope and excitement
and love.
Too bad,
that the boy next door never knew
how much that girl in pigtails loved him.
Not only in pigtails,
but through cars, proms,
tests, friends and college.
Now, the only remnant she has
is a faded valentine
that sits on a shelf
in the closet of her lonely one room apartment
to be read on cold nights, like these,
when she dreams of what might have been
and if her love could’ve saved him.

Before the dawn

The sun has faded
The moon is high
A million stars
Light up the sky
It signals me
To make my move
My love for you
I must prove
Quickly, swiftly,
I don’t have long
I must convince you
Before the dawn.

I told you so

I’ll never say I told you so
when we run into each other
back home, years later, and have
a drink while we reminisce
about days gone by so fast.
I’ll hear your apology and claim
we were young, didn’t know
any better, don’t worry about it.
And you’ll feel better
thinking I forgave you
not knowing of the tears and pain
I thought were never-ending.
I’ll smile to put you at ease,
hug you like a peace treaty signature,
and at that point the past won’t matter
because this is the present
and Lord knows we have no future.
When you talk of hollow romances,
regrets, and days I’ve crossed your mind,
and if you could turn back time…
I’ll never say I told you so.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Bright blue eyes
burning with tears
as we stood in
a fluorescent lit
holding hands
saying our goodbyes.
Hours, days, months,
melt into years
that have passed
us by. Sailing
away through
Christmas, work,
roses, Packer games,
baseball, laughter,
movies, family, friends
and a baby that
could not survive
inside me, that
tore us apart.
A miscarriage
of our love,
our dreams,
our future.
And still I
remember your
shadow as
you walked out
the door.


If this is love
Please let me go
If this is love
I don’t want to know
Of ups and downs
The do’s and don’ts
If this is love
Well then I won’t
Be a slave
To your demands
Answer all
Of your commands
Be your toy
When you have time
Live your dream
And not live mine
Give and give
And watch you take
I won’t allow
My heart to break
For you, your games,
The things you say
If this is love
I don’t want to play.


I’ll get used to living without you
Won’t be easy, but I’ll make it through
I finally realized I’m a prisoner of lies
And I’ll be better off without you.
I’ll get used to waking up lonely
There’s no reason why I won’t survive
I’ll be okay with each passing day
It’s time that I take back my life.
It won’t hurt me to see you with others
A new love may suit you just fine
And while you’re out searching for her
I too will be searching for mine.


Some mornings are harder than others
Crawling out of bed, alone,
Blinking away dreams of you
And telling myself
That things will get better,
Life will go on,
And someday,
I’ll get over you.

The Noise

There was a sound in the darkness
That kept her awake
She didn’t know how much more
Noise she could take
She searched in the closet
And then with much dread
She dropped to her knees
And looked under the bed
Went through every room
Turned on all the lights
Checked behind doors
Then stared off in the night
The noise was still rumbling
It’s volume unfettered
Like the pain in her chest
Yes, she should’ve known better
The noise was inside her
That kept her awake
This was the sound
Of a lonely heartbreak.

The Chill

It’s cold today
In that sort of way that lets me know you are not gone for good
That phantom breeze upon my neck
Making the hair rise and sending a shiver down my spine
Reminding me that you’re still

Monday, December 7, 2009


I had a crazy dream about you last night. It was so real and vivid I couldn’t shake it all morning. I could’ve sworn you were next to me, gliding your finger up and down my side as we lay in bed smiling at each other. The touch felt so real it gave me goosebumps. But as always, you were not there.

It shouldn’t have surprised me to hear from you this morning. You’ve always had a knack for knowing when you’re on my mind. Uncanny sometimes the way you can read me even when we’re not face to face. I’ve always said men have radar that detects when their old loves have moved on and found happiness with another man. I’m sure your radar has been going crazy lately.

I finally found him. No, he isn’t you. He’s better than you. He’s better to me. He loves me better than you could. You tell me today “I miss our times together. I miss kissing you. I miss being next to you. I miss seeing you. I just miss us.” You didn’t have to miss any of that. I didn’t do this to us. You chose it. And I chose him.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I sensed it was growing inside me before I got the test results back. I knew not whether to laugh or cry or both. My mother told me to get used to that feeling but to try laughing more than crying because too much crying scares children.


She told him his love was ruining her and that he had to let her go. He said he would respect her wishes and leave her alone...but he still calls her every day in his head to tell her he loves her and he’s hoping that doesn’t constitute stalking.

Accidental Cougar

She said she was an accidental it her fault that young men find her irresistible? We figured she really couldn’t be faulted for that at all. There were much worse titles a woman in her 30’s could have.

No Noise

When the time had come to say goodbye he stood in silence, facing the corner, as if no noise would help me forget that it was over and perhaps I would stay another day.


They say the human brain weighs 7 pounds. No wonder it hurts like hell when it feels like it's trying desperately to squeeze out of something as small as my left temple...


She doesn’t see the sunlight shine
In her cave of grief and destitution
She can hear water but not find her way to drink
She can smell fire but not move herself closer for warmth
She takes tiny gasps of air that make her lungs ache for more
She just lays there, mourning, every morning
Thinking if she closes her eyes tight enough
You will be there again…
Her sunshine, her water, her warmth, her air.

Always You

I felt the world caving in yesterday
First, annoying, like a sand storm or pebbles bouncing against my skin
My knees grew weak and I tried to duck inside this deep well
But there was nowhere to hide
No corner to crouch in and retreat
The rocks continued to fall
Until I couldn’t move my feet anymore
I just stood there, taking this beating,
Unable to fight back
Fear had engulfed me
Sadness ravaged my heart
And I knew not how to escape
The stones grew in size and pelted my flesh
I was bleeding
I was crying
I wanted to lie down and give up
And as I did
You were there
Covering me with your body
Protecting me from the pain
Picking me up into your arms
And carrying me out of this place
When I came to I was safe in your love
And I knew you would never let anything hurt me
Always there, always true, always you.