Zombie

My ring should be there
But it cannot be worn
My life has been shredded, tattered and torn
I can’t wear my love
On a finger for you
After the things you have chosen to do
I woke up one morning
And lost all that I loved
And I’m finding forgiveness is just too tough
I walk like a zombie
I’m so dead inside
To know that our love and our life is a lie
Don’t tell me you’re sorry
Your words have no meaning
Just let me go so I can try to stop this bleeding
And somehow move on
And regain my life
I can no longer trust you and I can’t be your wife.

Stand strong

You can cut up your fucking victim card
We’re not running that special any longer
What you’ve done has nothing to do with his death
So stop whispering his name as if it will make me soft
And forgive what you have done to me
Out of love for him
And the friendship I thought we shared
There is no amount of excuses, sickness
Or addictions that can make this okay
One second, that’s all I wanted,
For you to be accountable
Just for once
Didn’t I deserve that from you?
Hadn’t I stood strong by your side
When the rest of the world had left?
And now I find myself as the one that is alone
Because I trusted those that I loved
And thought they were of the same loyalties as I
But we are nothing alike
I will not beg and cry and plead for pity
I will not flash my vulnerabilities for love
You may not be capable
But I, I will stand strong on my own.

Dark ice

Tainted and deserted
I cannot bare to walk past the threshold
Of forgiveness
Or our house
Which you have ruined
Turned to dark ice
This could never be home again.

I got this

I float
Swift and with grace
No longer hobbling along
I watch my shadow chase
Dreams that once seemed
So out of reach
Now the taste of them
Tickle my tongue
And I know they are mine
To devour
For I will not chain
Myself to doubt and fear
Again
I run towards endless possibilities
Instead of cowering in the corner
I got this
The world is mine

***
Some days it seems like my sole purpose in life is to be a shining example to other people that their lives could always be worse.

***
Proof that God has a wicked sense of humor.

Tumble

Wailing siren
Thumps in my ears
Alerting me
I must rise
I reach to your side
Of an empty bed
And tears escape
Through matted eyes
You are still gone
And the world expects me
To go on, one day at a time
As if I can function
Without you
My life, my love,
And all that makes me whole
A tower cannot stand in a storm
Without its foundation
And I tumble without you
To hold me.

Doomed

Fear
Strangles my heart
The judgment before us
Encroaching on love
Evil tentacles in a murky water
Dragging and pulling me under
Red blood mixes like a doomed cocktail
I grasp for you
Holding my breath
Knowing I will drown without you
The rock and my love
That gives me life.

Hiding

I reach and you crouch
Low in the dark
As my hands fumble for love
You sit silent as I suffer
I only seek simple words
That you cannot muster
Until my hand finds the knob
And the lock clicks undone
When the light of the outside
Starts to break across my face
I shield my eyes
And hear you finally whisper my name
And that you’ve been waiting
For me to find you
But I know
You’ve been hiding.

Brother

Your face is a giant marshmallow
I could roast it on a stick like a smore
The goo would paste my fingers together
in a silent mockery
as the charred flesh
burns my tongue and asphyxiates me.
I see you melt away.
You taste like the flames that scorch you
but I could never harm you.
Remember our younger days?
The fun we had together
and oh the evil tricks we played
on everyone around us.
I wish that this was just
another one of those games.
Mother always said we must be good
and not tempt the sharp edge of recklessness
or it would come back to bite us in the end.
I have been bitten and now a piece of me is missing.
We should have listened.
We were as captive as renegade snowflakes
drifting through the world,
slaying dragons and saving kittens.
But I could not always protect you, brother.
The hardest lesson I’ve ever learned is now.
The marshmallow lies peacefully
on a satin blanket
his face so pale, so swollen.
Tomorrow and ever after I shall journey alone.

Fairytale

When I was a girl
I dwelled in a world
of princes, white horses and gold
I lived so it seemed
in a world full of dreams
and the stories my mother once told.
There were diamonds and lace
such a magical place
that I tried to recapture in years
but those stories were void
no pain, only joy
and the princess I played cried real tears.
The men that you meet
aren't always so sweet
although charming sometimes for awhile
but you better beware,
yes, watch them with care
for intentions based deeper than smiles.
Sometimes gold turns to dust
like honor and trust
and you find that you're left all alone
once love has been planted
then taken for granted
you regret the seeds you have sewn.

Train

She runs, steady
Like a train slicing through the night
With a single light
And a lonely whistle
To signify her approach
Durable and plain
Feeling obsolete
Because nobody takes
The train anymore

broken

I utter words in isolation
For no audience to retain
You cannot grasp
What I am trying to say
Your ears filled with concrete
Because you can never be wrong
My heart beats with fear
Because I am not that strong
My love for you leads me astray
I don’t want to leave
But I’m afraid
Each day a piece of me cracks even more
And I’m scared I’m to broken
To walk out the door

Drift

I drift
You don’t notice
I float
Further away
You swim
In the other direction
And then wonder
Why I add my tears
To the sea

Trophy

His ego wears her
Like a garnish
On an overpriced steak
To make him feel
Complete and important
She flashes her plastic smile
Like she’s part of something grand
Oblivious to the fact
That she’s completely
Expendable.

Fog

Thick white fog
Embraces the night
With shadows dancing
On its curtain
Crawling over the hills
Creeping towards the light
I sit waiting
Grasping at embers
Trying to find the heat
To derail the chill
Of the fog that
Hunts to smother me.

Cornucopia

They dance
Amidst a cornucopia
Of smiles and dreams
Against the white
And into the dark
Where two can survive
On love and hope.

Melt

They say the pain will melt away
Someday
If I just give it time
Which leads me to believe that they are full of crap
And I fear if all the pain I feel really melts
I surely will drown.

Snap

I snap
Like a twig
As morning dew
Pours from my eyes
No longer able
To withstand the wind
Or give to bend
Or try to be strong
I snap
And tumble
To the cold ground below
And lie
Unattached
And broken.

Echo

Wonders if the echo of our love would ever be enough to make you want to turn around and stay.

Outlast

Believes on certain
days that his goal
is to dismantle
my life
and my job is simply
to outlast him.

Baby

I wait for you
Terrified
I only find comfort
In dreams of you
Scared you will never
Be real and mine
That my love will never
Fall upon your brow
In sweet kisses
And watching you grow
I fear I will never have
Anything growing inside me
but this empty ache
I want to love you
Baby

Where I want to be

I don’t want to wake up
If this is just a dream
Mornings without your face
Would seem empty and cold
Nights without your arms
Wrapping me up in love
They way you call me baby
All of it defines me now
And is my every wish
Even with the storms that
Rage and flash in your eyes
I know they will pass
To brighter days
Your love is where I want to be

myself

If I was stronger
You wouldn’t break me
You’d never see my tears
If I was colder
And my heart was ice
Like it was for many years
Before I let you in my life
I knew just who I was
But somehow it seems
That finding love
Has made me lose myself.

Losing a jerk

Bed Made

***She says her dream job would be to reside in a live display in the Macy’s window for the world to watch her every move. I told her it would be just as easy to get a reality show and that they probably pay better anyway. She scolded me that there is a very big difference between live mannequins and stupid puppets.

She glows

She glows
Unintentionally
Like a lantern
In the midnight sky
Tis not a light
That can be cloaked
Or doused
Or distinguished
For it shines from
Within her
A new radiance
Bold like the sun
She found that
In the dark
She can now
Light her own way
So she glows

charred

Her mouth tastes charred
Burnt by the words
She wasted on you
In a fire and rage
That turned her heart
To ash

***a day without you is like a dance without a disco ball...missing all the sparkle.

Reflection

Branched tentacles slice my legs
As I sprint through the brush
The wind and panting breath
Pounding my ears
Drowning out heavy footsteps
Slivers of moonlights lead me
To the silver lake where I collapse
Weeping as I stare at the most haunting mirror
I have ever faced
Because in it I could see
My reflection was empty.

Tears of a liar

I freeze
As your tears tumble
I drown in them
And guilt from my departure
The face I love
The man I adore
All I ever wanted
Was this life with you
Everyone knows
I want to stay
But I can no longer trust
Our love
Or the tears of a liar.

Master

I tried to save you
But couldn’t find the answers
Now I kneel before the master
Begging for the truth
Let the lies unveil
Strip your soul naked
And derail
All the things you did
To make us broken
My heart is not a token
For you to shelve in a collection
I want to mend what we have lost
Catch the love that we had tossed
And surrender to what brought us
Together before
But I cannot keep fighting
If you don’t want it anymore.

Mirror

They said it would bring
peace and release
looking within
facing the demons
that blanket my heart
but all I found
in that mirror
was a stranger
trapped inside
she started crying when
I did not recognize
despite the guilt
I could not set her free
a part of me
I didn’t know
but couldn’t let go.

Youth

I want to feel
the warmth
Of my youth
On my face again
Like sunshine
And blushing
Naïve
Un-jaded and true
I want to feel
Anything
That was me before you

Street lamp

Pulsing light
Like a fading fire fly
Broken glass upon the street
It crunches under my feet
As I search for direction in the dark
I no longer know from which way I came
Or where this sidewalk leads
I listen to the whispering wind
But it speaks in tongues I do not comprehend
I find it easier to dance with the rhythm
Than try to decipher it’s cryptic verbs
It carries me like a raging river
Into the fields of black and calm.

Bus

This cold seat feels like a cement tomb
As I sit in the back
Each bump jostling my mind
Making me question my resolution
Is this the ride of freedom I proclaim?
Or a slow escape from the mundane?
It’s hard to see where I’m going
Through mud splattered windows
That fog with the breath of strangers
With each stop and fugitive that boards
I doubt this vessel can leave town fast enough
For me to escape my love for you

A vow

Tracing my ring finger
To the emptiness
In the palm of my hand
Trying to hold love
Like a snowflake
Beautiful and fleeting
You have melted away
From all that we promised
And I’m still here
Empty
And trying to hold a vow
To you and our forever

Blender

Emotions mixed
In my internal blender
Blades whirling so quickly
I fear smoke might flow from my ears
I can’t find the power button
No way to stop
This tsunami of feelings
Inside me
Whizzing with worry
Trying to trust
Longing for love
Like we used to share

I look for you

I look for you
In the faces of children
The floating clouds
In a bowl of soup
I’ve long since memorized
All the pictures
And embedded our memories
Into my heart and mind
Now I must find a glimpse of you
In the everyday things
That bring me joy
And a sweet surprise
When they rush you to my mind
And offer me a smile
It makes missing you seem
Less like a stolen piece of me
And more like a treasure hunt.

Pepper

Every so often
I sprinkle him
Like pepper
Onto my world
When boredom knocks
And I need
A familiar taste
on my tongue.

***Pretty sure I could teach advance classes on how to not keep the man you love if they ever begin to offer that for college credit.

***Feels like we love in a dark room and each day I’m developing more secrets to uncover.

Peep

I peep
Through the keyhole
Into my heart
Wondering why
I cannot unlock it
Wishing I could share
The love that hides in there
Then I remember
You
And know it’s better
Kept safe and sound
So as not to be
Shattered again.

Settles

She settles
Like a brick into sand
Because she’s tired of looking
And standing alone
And this feels like it will hold her
For now

Feeble

Shaking
In a world that’s shaken
Cowering
Covered in dust
In a room that’s dark
Feeling with feeble fingers
In empty space
As I crawl across the floor
Praying I can find the door
And the warmth of the light
Before another tremor strikes.

Glass

The countdown
To new beginnings
Whirls around me
In a storm of confetti
And horns
I watch happiness leap
Couple to couple
And decide my kiss is best
Spent on what I hold
Cold in a glass
It will not ask me uncomfortable
Questions in the morning
Will not expect me
To give up who I have
Worked so hard to become
It seems a fair trade
Even though
It cannot love me back.