Mourning

She doesn’t see the sunlight shine
In her cave of grief and destitution
She can hear water but not find her way to drink
She can smell fire but not move herself closer for warmth
She takes tiny gasps of air that make her lungs ache for more
She just lays there, mourning, every morning
Thinking if she closes her eyes tight enough
You will be there again…
Her sunshine, her water, her warmth, her air.

Always You

I felt the world caving in yesterday
First, annoying, like a sand storm or pebbles bouncing against my skin
My knees grew weak and I tried to duck inside this deep well
But there was nowhere to hide
No corner to crouch in and retreat
The rocks continued to fall
Until I couldn’t move my feet anymore
I just stood there, taking this beating,
Unable to fight back
Fear had engulfed me
Sadness ravaged my heart
And I knew not how to escape
The stones grew in size and pelted my flesh
I was bleeding
I was crying
I wanted to lie down and give up
And as I did
You were there
Covering me with your body
Protecting me from the pain
Picking me up into your arms
And carrying me out of this place
When I came to I was safe in your love
And I knew you would never let anything hurt me
Always there, always true, always you.

Hagebakke Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving. I’m heading home to spend the holidays with the family but you won’t be there with us. You won’t be playing cards and eating too much food. Sprawling out on the couch and yelling at the football games. No watching you play with the kids, as if you were one of them that never grew up. Our very own Peter Pan. No, we won’t get to see you there this year…but we will feel you. In every conversation, hollow laugh and tear drop. We will know that you’re in the room, watching us. And even though it will be loud and crowded, it will never have felt so empty as it will this year without your smile. This is the holiday that we are supposed to be thankful. How can we give thanks for an autumn with so much pain and grief? How can we celebrate the year that we lost you? You should be here with us. We should be showering you with the love you didn’t want to believe was there, instead of sending our thoughts to heaven and hoping you catch them.

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry for being so selfish
For always thinking of myself and my feelings
I know that is not the way that love works
You of all people have shown me that
I should never have let him in
Whispering doubts in the corners of my mind
Releasing his poison into my blood and heart
Allowing me to doubt in us for a moment
I know that you are the one for me
You bring me more happiness than I have ever known
More joy than I ever thought possible
More love than I have ever deserved
You had one simple request
To love you with my entire heart
The way that you loved me
That’s all you asked for
And I almost ruined everything
I don’t know why I thought 95% would be enough
You deserve a million times that
I’m so sorry for hurting you
I do love you with everything that I am
And I will spend the rest of my days
Proving to you that you are and always will be
The only one in my heart.

Hollow

I feel hollow
Like a rotted out tree
Nothing inside to keep me from cracking and falling to the ground
You destroyed me
Like a termite
Feeding on me for your own pleasure
How could you claim you loved me
And then ravage me from the inside out?
I’m but a former shell of myself
No more magnificence or vibrant colors
My limbs and leaves don’t sway in the wind anymore
You stopped the breeze from dancing with me
I gave you everything inside me
You ate until you had your fill
Then moved on to ruin the next
Leaving me alone and hollow

Sunrises

I wasn’t sure how to get out of bed this morning
I didn’t know if I had the strength to face this day at all
I can hardly remember my life without you in it
Today was going to be a harsh reminder of that time
Today there is no choice but to go on living without you

One foot in front of the other, I told myself
It can’t be that hard
And I pulled my sleepy body from the warmth
Of the bed we once shared
To face the cold of the world alone

And cold it was, when I walked out the door
The briskness of dawn sweeping through my coat
I pulled it tighter around me
Just like I used to do with your arms

I looked to the sky, wanting to scream your name
To the heavens and the neighbors and anyone that could hear me
When I did, I saw the most amazing sunrise
The sky was burnt with hues of orange, fuschia and purple
Its beauty nearly took my breath away
I sat down on the lawn and stared in awe
Knowing, like you, it would not last forever

I wanted to take it all in
Sketch a picture in my mind that could never be erased
Just like I should’ve done with you
Before you left this world to paint me sunrises from heaven

Cliff Note

You almost caught me again
In your web of lies and unfulfilled promises
How easily I could have fallen
I stood on the edge of the cliff
Toes dangling over
Pebbles falling into the abyss
The faintest of breezes
Could’ve knocked me down
Back into your arms
Where I know I don’t belong any longer
You and I were just a dream
A dream that was too good to be true
Never to be a reality
You are not the man I wanted you to be
You are no longer my dream