***
Somedays I wish my life was like a word document where I could just cut and paste different events and people.

Puppet

A thin line
Worn string
Unraveling
Strand by strand
Snapping
Sinking further
Victim of gravity
Your puppet
No longer
I plot my escape
One more string
to release
and I will be free

Vase

Her finger traces the curve of the vase
A smooth glass neck
That once housed hope
When he would return
Daisies and stems
Promises and apologies
Love and darkness
Beauty and blood
Today he did not return
With flowers
To mend her anger and hurt
Today the vase of apologies
Became a weapon
Hurled across the room
Shattered into pieces
That can never be repaired
Just like their life.

Kirk

There are no words for me today
No comforting things that I can say
My heart is wounded, it bleeds and cries
The pain flows out my bloodshot eyes
I want to rewind to the year before
Take the time to show you more
Before we were hostage to this hurt
If you only knew how much we miss you, Kirk.

***
She told them it was a smash and grab job and that she could identify the thief in a line-up. They informed her they could not make an arrest in a robbery when the stolen property was her heart.

***
She asked how we will all get through it. And I told her, the best we can. Lean on those we need and be strong for those that need us. In a situation like this, that’s all we can do.

Darkness

I lay still
Eyes closed
Darkness swallowing me
Into a sleepy abyss
Where my white knuckles
Murmuring heart
And thundering mind
Can relax for a moment
Tears streak
Down my cheek
The only thing to remind me
This pain is real
And that I cannot wake up
This isn’t a nightmare
This is now my reality
The hungry darkness
Is my new love
Since you’ve gone away

Cracks

I stumble
Across cracks in the road
Bumbling, barreling, bobbing
My way forward
At moments I feel blind
I want to scream for help
Collapse and quit
Just take a moment
To catch my breath
Wishing for days of
Adolescence
When a cry to my parents
Would make it all okay
There is no one to swoop in
And save me now
I have to find my own strength
My own will
My own way
On my road
Despite the cracks in the path
Before me.

***

I do not have time for games of love these days as there is no referee and you are not playing fair.

***

I remember the joy of being rocked to sleep by my mother as a child but now, the sound of his breathing next to me has become my favorite lullaby.

***
Some thought her foolish when she said this was just one of those things where you jump in and see what happens or spend the rest of your life wondering what if. While others mocked her, I thought her brave for being able to jump for you can never really lose as long as you try.

Wilt

I hate the way that mother scolds
With her eyes, her tone,
The way she turns her head
A disappointed heat
Radiating from her pores
Burning me in shame
Making me feel so small
So inadequate
Because I could never be her
And never be good enough
To make her beam with pride
And glow with love
And hug me tightly
I wilt in her shadow
Wishing I could be more like her
Swallowing the reality
She cannot see
I can only be me.

Tired

A heart so tired
It’s beating is faint
More pitter patter
Than thumping
She wonders if
She held her shallow breath
Would it stop beating
All together?
Eyes so dry
She can barely see
So many tears she cried
Losing him
Leaving a trail of sandpaper
Within her lids
If she closes them
She flinches with pain
Of him in her dreams
But open
She’s a zombie
Walking through her day
Wishing she could
jump start her heart
clear out her memory files
move on without him
breathe deeply
and live again.

Chain

She surges forward
With all her might
But this shackle she wears
Is just to tight
It’s dragging her down
Pulling her in
Beckoning her
To return again
To a place so dark
Her heart can’t beat
She’s frozen in silence
With cement feet
Fear in her eyes
And sweat on her brow
She knows she can never
Return there now
So she trudges on
Ignoring the pain
She can’t stop moving
If she wants to break this chain

Calm

She juggles
It’s her specialty
Balancing balls of happiness in the air
Fearing she can never slip up
For she cannot handle breaking
Anyone’s smile
She doesn’t know how to say no
If someone needs her help
She give so much some days
She finds her self empty at night
When it’s her time to escape
Into dream filled moments
With no expectations
No responsibilities
No pressure
Just calm

Dark brown gown

Porcelain skin shines
Against a deep brown gown
Satin on her skin
That she’s never felt before.
It makes her feel alive
And like a lady
A feeling that is foreign to her
After a lifetime in baggy tees
And blue jeans
Hiding the curves of her womanhood
And trying to blend in
The best she could.
Today she cannot hide.
Everyone in the room
Takes a glance of admiration
Towards the beautiful woman
With the twinkling eyes
In the dark brown gown
That blankets the area
In love and joy
With one simple smile.
They all notice her simply because
She has finally found herself.

In

She’s not sure
Who she will be
When she reaches that point
All things that have always defined her
Melted away to a memory
Along with weakness and fear
She wonders if she’ll still be noticed
Or become another face in the crowd
How will she make an impression?
It’s funny how she was easy to remember
When her outside didn’t match
The beauty of her in.

Crack

He apologizes for being grumpy
As if he had glared at a stranger in a crowd
Or dropped food on the carpet
Not the way he should for belittling her,
Their love
And the years she had spent by his side.
Through tears and triumphs
Never wavering
A rock for him to cling to
In any situation.
And now, she begins to crumble,
But he cannot see
It is he that chisels away at her worth
It is he that can bring her smile back
It is his cold shoulder that causes her to crack.

That Lady

Some days I wonder who she is
She doesn’t look the same
She walks taller, prouder
There’s a glow to her now
Love has captured her heart
Pride lives within her
Strength radiates from her
She has learned how to captivate a room
She gives her smile eagerly as a gift to the world
She lives life for others instead of just herself
She wants nothing but happiness for those she loves
And will stop at nothing to ensure that
It didn’t happen overnight
Metamorphsis like this takes time and tenderness
But I don’t divert my eyes anymore
When she looks back at me…
That lady in the mirror.

Heart

Hardened
Like a fossil
Tracks of where I’ve been
The story of how long it took
To create and destroy
You will never know
How hard it was
To seal it up
And protect it from the elements
Of love for eternity
After you

Brother

He still can’t say your name
Without a quiver in his voice
As he wrestles with reality
Years spent like brothers
Vanished
But never forgotten
Even the days he tries to block them out
He sits on a chair trying to cheer
In the place you two found joy
All he finds now is tears
And an empty seat beside him
Where you should be still
The room reaches 1000 decibels
And no matter how loud
The crowd becomes
A dark silence still beats through his ears
And stalls his breath
For it will never be the same
Without you

In the room

I feel you in the room
Cloaked in all your pain and gloom
Trying to shout but your voice is mute and buried
Every day I see your face
Although you left us in this place
And we wrestle with regret and doubts and worry
Thinking we should’ve tried
To stall your last goodbye
No one knew how to shield you from yourself
I sit upon your grave
Miss the memories we made
And stare at your picture on my shelf
I wonder how it got so bad
You couldn’t see the love you had
Surrounding you in every single way
There’s a hole we’ll never heal
Some days it’s hard to feel
And I can’t believe it’s been a year today

Just my tears

I breathe rapid and shallow
As I watch you
Through rain drop streaked glass
Or is that just my tears?
Hard to tell on a dark day like this
Words fall in whispers
Cascading off my lips
They will never reach your ears
Or is that just my tears?
My heart thumps in a hollow cavity
Isolated from any part of me that isn’t numb
Pieces of me splatter on the ground
Or is that just my tears?
I cling to the steering wheel
Like the illusion of us being happy
And dreams evaporate around me
Or is that just my tears?
I remember the day
I told you your love was ruining me
And you had to let me go
We cried as our hearts broke
Or was that just my tears, my love?
My heart torn apart?
You smile like we never were
And watching you
all I have left are just my tears.